Oh damn, this sh*t just got real...
I apologize, I’m normally not one to cuss but I don’t think there is any other way to express how I am feeling right now.
So I just started my second clinical rotation in NP school (only two more and I’m done at the end of the year). Since it’s an elective it means that we can choose our clinical setting (I am looking to work in an ED or Urgent Care so I did some networking to get an ED placement). I'm learning a lot and I spend a good amount of time doing research at home on my own time so I can be better prepared but it is still extremely overwhelming.
I appreciate that as an RN we need good assessment and critical thinking skills but the amount of autonomy, responsibility, and the decision making process for an advanced practice provider (DO/MD/NP/PA) is on a whole other level. I have always had good relationships with most of the providers that I work with and I like to think that I empathize with the responsibility and burden that they have to shoulder when directing patient care. I try to think critically, act carefully, and be a good team member so that it doesn’t make their jobs any harder and so patients get the best care possible. With all that being said, I'm starting to realize how much I still don’t know and it is frightening to be honest.
As an NP student, I walk into patient rooms and start with my interview/assessment all while thinking in the back of my mind "What the hell am I doing?" As I'm presenting my findings to my supervisor and coming up with a care plan I'm thinking "Is this going to be too much or not enough? Did I miss some huge red flag that would make the diagnosis or treatment obvious?"
I feel like every shift should start with a prayer "Please help me to help my patients and do what I have dedicated my life to doing. Don't let my ignorance and inexperience blind me to what should be obvious and cause the pain or harm of another. Let me get through one more shift and hopefully I can be just a little bit better for the next one."
I have been told this particular feeling of anxiety/fear is common for students and new providers but I still feel alone sometimes and worry that what I don’t know could seriously harm a patient. The feedback I'm getting from supervisors and colleagues has been good and I really believe that as adults we are responsible for our own education so I try to be honest about my personal strengths and weaknesses. All I can do is continue to proactively seek learning opportunities inside and outside of the classroom and not let the fear of failure or looking stupid paralyze me from asking for help when I need it and doing my best to improve the health of my patients.
I wonder if anyone else feels this way sometimes? And if so how do/did you get through it? Does it get better with time and experience? Or does that anxiety always kind of just linger beneath the surface of your mind?
