Haven’t written in a bit, because I’m gravitating away from tumblr as a platform in general. Every now and then, though, it helps me to take a step back and write a blog post. Here I am again checking in at the end of the year to try to gain some perspective.
I’ve been at my mom’s house for exactly a week as of today. It’s hard, and I feel really despondent most of the time. It’s completely rattled my sense of wellbeing in the quietest, most sinister way. I can tell Ruthie’s not happy here, too. She’s a rabbit, so obviously she can’t sense the suffering that’s taken place in this room, but she definitely doesn’t like being cramped and stifled in a few feet of space. That’s how I feel here too, though.
In the past few weeks, I’ve given something that should’ve died long ago once last shot. I don’t regret it because it’s given my clarity that I’ve never had before in regards to it. But it’s still ugly to watch die.
Beyond that, I’ve made a lot of art. It’s such a survival mechanism for me here. Everything feels grey and dead so I’m trying to create stuff for people I love, like my aunts and my sister, the women who always took care of me when my own mother didn’t.
I’m scared for that dead space of time between Christmas and New Years where things are ringing with a quiet meaninglessness. I was supposed to spend New Year’s Eve with him and his friends who hate me, but I decided to be gentle on myself and stay away from the people who bring me down in such an ugly, ugly way. So I reached out to a friend and asked if I could tag along with their plans and they graciously welcomed me in.
I’m not scared to be lonely anymore. I’m not scared to let it die like it’s supposed to. And I tell myself that even if I’m lying to myself, and I am actually really afraid, that’s okay too, because I’ll do it anyway.
And in the wake of the death of something I thought I needed and wanted for so long, I now feel such a pregnant and pulsating possibility. I feel free at the thought of not being tied down by the grief. I feel like I can actually heal this time.
Here’s a list of things I’m looking forward to:
My big sister is coming tomorrow! We’ve been saving this week’s Jenna Marbles video to watch together.
I painted my grandparents for my Aunt Julie and I’m really excited to see her open it.
I’m currently painting my other aunt’s grandkids for her and my uncle, and I’m excited to give back to them, too.
We’re having Christmas brunch tomorrow, and I’m making rosemary skillet potatoes and scones.
I always say I hate family Christmas parties and I mostly do because I feel unappreciated and sidelined, but my sister and I always hang out with a few of the cool cousins and make fun of everything. Plus, I’m stoked to wear this 60′s wool skirt I found at Casablanca Vintage this week and drink wine in it.
My Aunt Julie is a lot like my grandma, so seeing her is a taste of that kind of unconditional love that I really miss from my parents most of the time. Plus, Christmas is the one time of year we can all get together and grieve my grandma together. It’s a big, big comfort.
I’m tryna design my big sis a tattoo for us to get after Christmas—hopefully just something small but meaningful. I miss getting tatted.
I’m (probably) hanging out with a bunch of cool ladies for New Year’s Eve and wearing my dope purple metallic jumpsuit and Bowie boots.
I’m going back home with Ruthie on New Year’s Day for a therapy appointment on the 2nd and I’m looking forward to the alone time spent getting work done, shipping orders, filling commissions, etc. It’ll give me time to recalibrate from the time spent at home.
Me & a few of my art ladies are planning to get together for an art day next week before the new year!! I’m really looking forward to it.
Also hopefully going to see my gal Hannah next week and I really miss her.
That’s all for now! Sending you all love and strength through the holiday season.
