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March

finish this month's sudoku book

go to a museum for an exhibition or two

succeed at making a poached egg ✅✅

do some writing at a cafe

clean up the entire balcony ✅

stock up on ice cubes ✅

make a spring playlist

make a running playlist

order samples or perfume dupes for spring/summer season

go back to clay sculpting (finish something - maybe easter decor? a keychain, maybe?)

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tipsy and watching pilot episodes of all the period dramas i can find

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this is how you know its really spring now

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tipsy and watching pilot episodes of all the period dramas i can find

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the weird thing is, regarding cooking, the more i try those basics that used to freak me out so much, the more i realize how easy they are. seems like the hardest thing about it was overcoming the fear of wasting food.

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okay, so adding to another anons suggestion about physical movement, i dont know if you even listen to any heavier music (not that you have to actually listen to it but like, not hate it ig) but if you don't mind it then something that helps me a lot is going to a local show (metal or punk usually) and get in the pit as much as i can. usually this obviously makes me unable to think bad thoughts so thats good hehe, don't know if thats quite what you're looking for though... but yeah imo you don't even have to know anyone there nor the bands - i often go to gigs of bands i have not even heard about before. people at these sorts of places really don't judge others that much.

LOL its funny because it happens that metal/punk are actually pretty much the only genres i dont listen to at all (except for checking out what poppy puts out and now also my brother's band lol). i dont think im a target for this advice, considering this kind of subculture isnt appealing to me in any way, neither in terms of music, fashion sense, the whole concept of pits and like, this whole energy. unfortunately! glad it works for you tho. i'd much rather go and dance to disco at some club's retro night.

but in a more general way, i do agree that concerts are a wonderful way to release tension. even as more of a swaying type, so on the opposite end of a gig enjoyer spectrum, it's just such a shame how costly shows are. and yes, even the local ones, at least in the genres i like. a jazz duet doing only "classic cinema" covers being 90pln... especially considering how short-lived of a relief it is, i'd much rather save money to see a bigger musician i already like.

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and man i really wish working out really did "kill the bad thoughts". like i said in one of those deleted posts today - i did my best to stay "on the move" since friday, including being physically active, and the despair still caught up to me, when i sat down and stayed still for ten fucking minutes, just to watch the blue sky. being active is a very important thing in getting better, but i think the way people talk about it got my hopes way too high up, compared to the pay-off. it's unfortunate but its not enough to fight depression.

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you know what you could do....? start some work out routine going. you will absolutely kill your muscles as well as bad thoughts too. and you can listen to your favorite music at the same time as well. only profits here

yeah i do that

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i mean yeah sorry if that response was like. dismissive and rude and i didnt really plan on coming off like that (especially right after crying for like, two hours about how no one talks to me - so there goes an answer why, lol). but i do that. and i think this - right next to "go volunteer" are the two most popular suggestions i get (volunteering is great and i keep researching stuff i could do in this town, but the few places that do recruit people rn are *serious* places like children's hospice. and i dont know if i, being a person with suicidal ideation, am a good candidate to work with dying children. perhaps as some short of shock therapy, to compare how bad people have it? but that is definitely the wrong reason for doing it, as children dont deserve to be "experimented on" like that by unprepared volunteers).

but yeah. it is just like. yeah. i do that. i know people dont know everything about me - its not really something i feel particularly interested in personally, so i dont really *blog* about finding new yoga plans or some minor drama in the gym i have access to, or hitting personal records (i dont really keep track of it, my work-out cant be "heavyweight" due to health issues, so most important thing for me is keeping it regular, rather than going harder and harder).

but i do agree how exercise is good. im looking forward to finally buy new shoes (waiting until the newbalances i like the most are on sale again, so i dont have to walk around in my old ripped ones LOL) and to start running again, as during cold-and-slippery season it was tough.

yeah sorry im trying so hard to word it in a way where im like, obviously grateful for any sort of suggestion or interaction bc i do need that, even if as some sort of reminder while im already doing that. but i do wanna clarify that i already do a lot of the basic suggestions, like getting fresh air (even thorough the winter and ugly weather), minimizing my online time, diving into active hobbies like creating and movement and travelling rather than passive like watching tv shows, eating healthier and cooking more. i am open for advice because i dont wanna be in a place where i get defensive on the sole suggestion that *maybe* im not doing enough. but, yeah, i do put effort in getting better. its just tough. having bad days and pits of despair doesnt mean im not trying! as much as i am grateful for any sort of desire to help, please, please, please put some trust in me and assume that i am doing, at the very least, the surface-level self-care.

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you know what you could do....? start some work out routine going. you will absolutely kill your muscles as well as bad thoughts too. and you can listen to your favorite music at the same time as well. only profits here

yeah i do that

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"export kisses" is such a cute thing for a website to say though.

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well predictably so - not deleting. the backup of the blog is taking so fucking long and i dont want to sit here and wait. i know im only feeling this urge to self-destruct as some sort of teeny-tiny-microdosing of killing myself. im sorry everyone. i really do need this to hold onto. i really need this hope, that one day i'll log back in and there will be someone happy to see me. i know im being such a stupid fool. but i really do need it so badly. this schrodinger's notification of some sort.

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hi, i've been following your blog for a longer time, more than two years for sure, and whenever i see you pop up on my dash it makes me smile. i don't know you but you seem like a really precious being deserving of love and attention. i truly hope things will work out for you, may the spring come bearing happiness and fulfillment into your life. take care ❤️

thank u baby i am quite a bit of a fucking asshole but working hardddddddd so i appreciate that, what a kind thing to say! wishing the same upon u MWAH 🌹

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pare metrów przed domem porwała mi się torebka z kajzerkami i wszystkie wylądowały w piachu i teraz nie mam co zjeść. zajebie sie kurwa

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dobra poszedlem jeszcze raz i mam moje bułki juz ok, sytuacja bułeczna pod kontrola

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pare metrów przed domem porwała mi się torebka z kajzerkami i wszystkie wylądowały w piachu i teraz nie mam co zjeść. zajebie sie kurwa

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pare słonecznych dni i ja juz czuje piegi kwitnące na twarzy jak rzeżuszka na parapecie

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oh my god its so humiliating when i tell someone about plans im excited for, like a city or museum exhibit or a concert and the moment i mention im going alone their eyes immediately shift or they go silent or change the topic bc they're THAT FUCKING SCARED that ill ask them if they wanna go with me. like are you serious

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it's so dumb whenever i'm like "no, it's fine, i dont need a backpack at all", and then my daily bag starts breaking down bc i carry too much heavy stuff in it, and then my shoulder hurts when i carry heavy stuff in my tote for too long, and the one very big bag is too big for these small trips and strolls and whatnot, so im like.... damn it. i guess i could use a backpack after all............

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i know ive said this before but the post-concert lows suck. when you wanna hear the stuff again but the digital version, even the highest quality available, doesnt compare to the feeling of hearing it live, enjoying it with other people, getting overwhelmed with the sound as it hits you like a boost of adrenaline. yeah