I think we can all agree Michael Myers just needed a Snickers.
Like any normal eighth grader, much of my time was spent exploring the mind of a fictional masked murderer. Running away in terror from Michael Myers really spoke to my 14-year-old awkwardness, y'know?
This edition of Cameron Ranks Stuff sifts through that adolescent wreckage and ranks the original Halloween series from best to worst. What film should you make part of your All Hallows' Eve movie marathon, and what film deserves to be carved up like a Jack-o-Lantern? Let the Myers flow through you, and find out!
What can I say about this film that hasn’t already been said?
The suspense, the music, Jamie Lee Curtis’ JC Penney wardrobe—it’s all transcendent. The simple yet effective story of a masked murderer stalking teenagers may have been copied by a thousand other slasher flicks over the years, but this film remains on a higher pedestal. It stays with you. The aftershocks linger and linger.
I recently watched this film on a chilly October night, when my parents were away on vacation and I dwelled in an empty household. I’ve seen it so many times that this trip to Haddonfield and all of its twists were mapped out in my mind even before Linda uttered her first “Totally!”
Then I later went to bed. I locked all the doors, closed all the curtains, and slept with a light on. I knew deep down serious danger wasn’t imminent, but it could never explain why I prayed to the moon in hopes I’d survive the night.
2. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)
It was a rainy weekend night. I was somewhat drunk and munching on reheated gnocchi al forno in my dimly lit kitchen. Then I got to thinking about this ranking, squinted my eyes, and thought to myself, “Hey, I should totes rank Halloween 4 above the other sequels. It deserves it.”
And so I did. For once, the alcohol was correct. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers does deserve to rank second, even if it’s usually forced to play third fiddle to Halloween II and Halloween H20 in ranking of the sequels. The film is competently made, well-acted, and provides enough well-timed thrills to keep viewers engaged (especially its slam dunk of a twist ending).
Since Halloween III was met with instant derision from fans and critics alike, producers brought back Michael Myers for the fourth installment, this time returning to Haddonfield to hunt down his eight-year-old niece Jaime, played excellently by Danielle Harris, although she’ll always be the voice of Debbie from The Wild Thornberrys to my inner ‘90s child.
I couldn’t put my finger on why this sequel works so well for a long time until I determined there’s a stronger sense of care to the production. All movie sequels are cash cows to some degree, but here’s that rare slasher flick keeping us emotionally involved in its paint-by-numbers caricatures. When one of the characters bites the dust, Michael’s signature kitchen knife cuts a bit deeper.
3. Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)
It’s twenty years after Michael Myers’ first murder spree, and Laurie Strode finds herself terrorized yet again. But this time, she’s not running away screaming.
And such is the tale of Halloween H20. Its title suggests this is a reworking of Water World, although it's anything but transparent. Few slasher flicks have ignited my horror film boner quite like Halloween H20. Scenes like Laurie coming face to face with Michael, and even the Janet Leigh cameo, make me wallow, “Oh my, fuck yes!”
Then I shut up because I realize I’m an adult who should be a bit more subtle in his fanboy glee.
Since the film was made in the post-Scream era, it's lathered in this sheen suggesting self-assertions of hip. All the brightest twentysomething stars of 1998 are here like Josh Hartnett, Michelle Williams, and, hey, Joseph Gordon Levitt makes an appearance too. In fact, much of the film feels a few steps away from the She’s All That universe, right down to the casting of Jodi Lynn O’Keefe as one of Michael’s inevitable victims.
The film’s detractors point to its in-vogue nature as one its biggest flaws, and I agree somewhat. The flashy jump scares are too numerous and the allusions to past horror films are too cutesy at times. The thing elevating Halloween H20 above it all, however, is Jaime Lee Curtis’s badass performance where she ranges from traumatized victim to mother to headmistress to boogeyman slayer in the span of ninety minutes. The ending, which I won’t spoil here, achieves a sense of emotional resonance rare for a series like this. I prefer to think Halloween H20 as the official end of the series, with a certain 2002 film serving as non-canon gibberish, as Satan is to the Bible.
Your enjoyment of Halloween II relies on how you look at it through the comparative lens. If you compare it to its predecessor, it pales. If you compare it to several other slasher flicks made in the ‘80s, it glistens. Unfortunately, it’s viewed more through the former than the latter.
Much like the second Mrs. de Winter or Joe on Blue’s Clues, Halloween II is bound to face criticism from those too attached to its predecessor for it to be received with open arms. The plot does it no favors in that regard as it’s a direction continuation of the events of the first film, but it deserves a look closer. The film maintains several of things that made the first Halloween work. It keeps Michael Myers mostly in the shadows. The quiet hospital setting engulfing most of the film is unnerving, and presents notions of sexual intercourse in therapeutic pools.
However, a recent viewing of Halloween II reveals, despite its best efforts, too many instances of standard slash fare. Some of the suspense in the first Halloween is missing here. I spent less time fearing Michael’s whereabouts and more time waiting for him to kill his next victim and move on.
5. Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)
I illuminated earlier on Halloween H20’s over-reliance on partying like it’s 1998, and Halloween 6 is similar except its entire existence seems to eat, breathe, and shit 1995. If I were to rate the 1995-ness of this film, it would fall somewhere between a Hootie and the Blowfish album and stack of Pogs.
The whole thing feels like a flashy Stone Temple Pilots music video, and the plot suffers because of it. Michael Myers tested, Scott Weiland approved.
Speaking of the plot, it’s a total mess. It presents the idea that Michael Myers is motivated to kill because he’s possessed by a cult of druids, but the film is so choppy it’s hard to keep track of what’s what. Still, it attempts to insert fresh blood at a time when the series probably needed it the most. It’s a film where I appreciate the ideas behind it all, not so much the execution. Yes, it appears to be written by third graders, but I’d take a third grader’s inspired art class dreck over general uninspired art class dreck.
And to think with all of Halloween 6’s talk of evil druids, the scariest aspect of the film is its presentation of a world where Paul Rudd isn’t famous.
6. Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)
Fun fact: After Halloween II, producers wanted all future films in the series to tell a different Halloween-themed story. The collective response from the 1982 filmgoers? “Fuck that horse shit.”
Yes, Halloween III doesn’t feature Michael Myers, and instead tells the tale of an evil Irish toymaker selling masks programmed to kill children on Halloween. It’s a bad ‘80s horror film, but an enjoyable one if not always for the right reasons. Still, it gets originality points from me. I have a slight affinity for sequels that have little to do with the rest of its series. Wave The Fast & the Furious: Tokyo Drift in my face and watch me smile.
I do wonder what the Halloween series would’ve been like if it went in this direction. This ranking probably wouldn’t exist, and my social life in eighth grade would’ve improved tenfold.
7. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)
To put it bluntly, Halloween 5 is dreary as fuck. It takes all the potential from Halloween 4 and squanders it. Unlikeable, annoying characters rule the roost, and the plot moves as fast as, well, Michael Myers himself.
But the film’s dreariness extends beyond the context of the film, of course. Halloween 5 is the embodiment of the slasher film fatigue at the end of the 1980s. Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street also released sequels in the 1989, and they were also dreary as fuck. Halloween 5 evokes that feeling of exhaustion more so from the film’s dark, moody atmosphere to its low box office returns. In fact, it’s the least financially successful Halloween film in the series.
I dunno, man. It all just makes me sad, y’know?
8 (worst). Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
To borrow a line from an earlier blurb, fuck this horse shit. Except for real this time.
Halloween: Resurrection should be regarded as shitty, non-canonical fan fiction adapted to film for the sole purpose of making more money. The weird thing is that there’s nothing profoundly terrible about it. It’s just so run-of-the-mill in every way. It takes every horror film cliche and throws it into a bowl of hack-n-slash myopia.
The plot revolves around a group of debauched youth spending a night at the Myers house as part of an Internet reality show. The bad news? Michael Myers comes home and kills most of them in manners you’d expect. Boring, boring, boring.
There’s a good reason Resurrection was the last film of the original series. The film, and the series, comes to an end with Busta Rhymes roundhouse kicking Michael Myers, but I’m sure a roundhouse kick from Busta Rhymes could bring an end to anything.
