FLASH RANK: My Fingers
Legend has it you can see John Cena if he waves only four fingers.
Welcome to the Flash Rank, a special edition of Cameron Ranks Stuff where the ranking is fast and furious. I’m pretty sure it willbethegreatestthingever because I just drank five Red Bulls and I’m all like wwwwwoooooaaaaahhhh action airplanes rockstars extreme sports
And so I was at the food court at my local mall the other day and I just looked down at my fingers and I was like, “This is it. This what I must do.” And so I ranked all of them from best to worst but I do hope it works out for them because they need to be together 5ever!!!!! <3 <3 <3 xoxoxoxo
1 (best). Middle Finger
My middle finger is so hot and I want to take all the selfies with it. Like so glam.
Actually, no, wait, it’s too good for me.
Stay away from me, middle finger. I’m trash. I’m scum. I don’t deserve you. I’m a piece of shit. Here’s the keys to the Jeep. Drive away and allow me to throw myself in a fire.
2. Thumb
Okay, so yadda yadda thumbs are the most useful fingers blah blah blah. I can pretty much imagine the torture trap the Jigsaw Killer from Saw would set up for me if he heard I didn’t appreciate my thumbs enough. He’d probably make me thumb through the entire script of, well, the last Saw movie.
3. Pointer Finger
I pointed to the promise land once, but turns out it was just a cheeseburger.
4. Pinky Finger
My pinky finger is not everything I hoped it would be, and it knows how I feel. Sometimes it wiggles to entertain me, usually when I try to sip tea. It’s like WHO ARE YOU. JUST TRYING TO SIP MY FUCKIN TEA.
5 (worst). Ring Finger
Yeah, I know you want a ring around you. But marriage is just a social construct that’s slowly killing us. And it pretty much just turns love into a contract. And don’t think you’re entitled to anything. And no I don’t want Claire to be my mother-in-law.