Hi, my name is Camila and Im addicted to vital anguish.
I usually think too much.
The problem comes when I have to pass it on to paper.
Why would I want to pass it on to paper? Because I would like to share it, people would read it and say “Hey I feel the same way”, so maybe this would make me feel less lonely.
That loneliness feeling is something that I have always felt. Childhood memories are not sad but I do remember that I was feeling lonely.
The fact that the memories of me feeling lonely dont look sad to me makes me wonder what loneliness means to me.
As I said, I want to share my feelings so I can feel less lonely but memories of me being lonely dont make me feel sad so I believe is not that I want to stop feeling lonely when someone tells me “Hey I feel the same” but yes I would like to know theres more people who feel the same so maybe we can create a group of people who feel lonely not to stop this loneliness feeling but to live all together with it.
I dream of a Community of Sarcasm where everybody lives OK because we all cooperate but without leaving the feeling that life is still cruel.
Life is cruel because we realize.
I can believe in Gods punishment. Gods punishment to me is giving awareness to a monkey. Awareness that someday the book of his life will arrive to the last page irredeemably.
And while Im thinking about my last page, the other pages of my book pass by too fast to write something.
It looks like in this life everything takes too much time to be done. In all my life all the changes has been too fucking slow, in fact most of them didnt culminate yet.
They makes us wait, they sell us that there is not a possibility of change, but we dont have time to wait or to believe what they say.
Sometimes I look myelf in the mirror and I think that Im thinking and then I wonder why Im thinking (yeah I told you that I think to much).
I like to think that we are a computer program designed by some extraterrestial Lisa Simpson and that comforts me. It could be said that its my religion if religion means comfort, and that is basically why everybody believes in God, to not feel lonely.
I think the world should feel lonely because its basically the truth. And that truth would make us think in how not to feel lonely together.
If we grab on to something, everything else stays obsolete. Grab on to the conviction that when we die there is something doesnt makes us be better in life or pay attention to life.
To think that after life there is nothing would makes us do something in life because is the only thing we can do.
According to my father, the one who told me about vital anguish, this is an existential anguish, an insecurity on your proyects and ideas as well as a nonconformity with life and a change desire in a rigid society where you feel isolated, and that produces you a misunderstood intelectual loneliness feeling that becomes in a permanent anguish feeling.
He says that the twentys are the worst for this, that later one realizes that is not such a big deal and that everybody carries his own cross.
This description made me feel less lonely.
But it does makes me feel lonely if later on, one realizes that is not such a big deal.
Maybe I dont want to realize that is not such a big deal.
Maybe Im addicted to this vital anguish because is the feeling that makes me feel alive.
I tried to feel alive by many ways.
I tried to feel alive by living on the edge and also by living as I was supposed to.
But everything comes back to that empty feeling that is in fact what makes me feel complete.
Feeling like this makes me realize about things that I wouldnt realize if I had, for example, the religion scape route. I think people that believes in God have a bonus, a facility to live without the weight of life on their shoulders.
The weight of life, mine and everyones, is something that I like to have on my shoulders. I like to know and feel how fucked up people are, how the world is coming down and how there seems to have, increasingly, no solution.
Maybe if everyone would think so, if everyone would truly feel the weight of this awful world that we have created, then maybe people would think on a solution too.
I talk about a global thought in which everyone is together to find a solution.
That will stop the search for individual solutions that are selfish and maybe the consequence of this will be the peace in the world.
Yes, it would be a world of lonely people, but lonely people united for a common purpose that will ultimately take them to feel complete.
Thank you for reading my thoughts.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CAYFIpi89k
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