Cammy's Diary

[camsdairy]

Hello Tumblr! My friend's daughter told me about this website and said it might be a fun way to write down (or rather type out) my thoughts as someone going through therapy and maybe meet like-minded people with similar struggles. I talked about it with my therapist and she said that while it might not be the best way to express myself, it could be worth a shot, so here I am! My friend's daughter has also helped me set this blog up, as I'm new to Tumblr and have never used it before, nor do I really know how it works. Bare with me as I learn.

About this blog: This blog is meant to be a sort of diary for me (Cammy). I'll post whatever I want, so this won't be exclusively for my experience as a multiple. I have other mental (and physical) afflictions I may talk about. My multiples will NEVER post here, as I have a designated physical diary they may use if they remember to.

About my multiplicity: I began to develop DID as a child, probably as young as six, and was not diagnosed until 30 years later in 2022. I am working towards full integration of my multiples with the help of my therapist and psychiatrist. I've suffered with DID for nearly my entire life, and I'm ready to be whole again.

About my life: I am a 40 year old butch lesbian, a natural born citizen of the United States, and currently living in my hometown. I live with my older brother B and my disabled mother, whom my brother and I care for. I am single by choice, never married, and don't have any children as I am not interested in raising any. I have three friends, all men: G, T, and R. I am currently unemployed and unable to work due to my own disabilities and my mother needing 24-hour care. I'm hoping to one day start a business and be self-employed, because living off of disability income isn't sustainable for a family of three.

Multiples: Cammy – core Sylvia, little girl, ~7 – unknown role Danny, pre-teen boy, ~12 – persecutor Grace, adult woman, 20s – trauma holder Alice, adult woman, unknown age – protector Renee, adult woman, unknown age – gatekeeper

(If you'd like to learn a little more about myself and my multiples, search for the hashtag 'about cammy's multiples' here on my blog. Thank you for taking an interest!)

Disclaimer: Please don't follow or interact with me if you claim to be an "endo system" or claim to have DID and are under 35. I do not entertain so-called "syscourse", and have the right to block anyone who tries to force me into it. I'm not interested in making online friends or following other Tumblr blogs, so sorry if that upsets you. I will NOT interact with you if you are a minor under the age of 20. If you speak of me, please refer to me only as an individual instead of multiple people. I am NOT multiple people. I am a singular person with multiple faces.

[camsdairy]

Entry 7

Hello, Tumblr. I forgot about this blog. Haha! But I'm back.

I was sick for a good week and a half, but I'm feeling much better, now, physically. I went to therapy, and it was so nice to be back because I really missed going the day I had to cancel due to illness. My therapist and I had a good talk, and I told her that I've been thinking about trying regression therapy to help recall lost memories / memories that my multiples hold. So we may try that next time or not. I'm not sure.

Since I was sick, I've been struggling mentally, even after I got better. I've just been really depressed, but I've still done my best to take care of myself and mom. Alice and Sylvia have been out a lot, and B has done his best to be supportive when he's available, so that helps.

I don't really have much to say besides that, to be honest. Hopefully my depression improves soon. I'm tired of feeling so terrible and drained. I just wish to be normal, whatever that means for me.

[camsdairy]

Entry 6

It's been a rough week. I came down with something last Tuesday, and I'm still sick, but I'm feeling much better. I took a Covid test and thankfully it's not Covid, so it's probably just a flu. Either way, I've been quarantining and masking at home just in case. I don't want B to catch it and I certainly don't want to pass it to mom. Taking care of her without overextending myself has been difficult, but I've managed to do it, and B was kind enough to cash in some PTO to help on a couple days where I was really struggling. Sylvia came out and took care of us, too. She's such a doll. B told me she took the sickness like a champ, and didn't push too hard like she's done in the past. She's grown so much since my diagnosis, and especially so after I started therapy. She hasn't done as much CBT as Grace, Alice, and Renee (Danny hates it lol), but my therapist has told me she's started to come out of her shell each time. She still has a difficult time talking about my childhood, but at least she's talking, even it means having to be coaxed out by coloring pages and toys. Haha!

Because I've been sick, I had to cancel this week's therapy appointment, and so I won't have one for another two weeks. I'm praying I'll be okay until then, and if not, I can always call the helpline my therapist recommended. I haven't used it yet, as I've had a bad experience with these so-called "help"lines. The people on the other end are clearly unequiped to handle medical emergencies and are certainly NOT licensed providers. But I've never tried this one, so maybe it's different. I left a note on the fridge and on my multiples' dairy just in case any one of my multiples has an emergency. I doubt Danny will call. He'd sooner call B, which is fine, but he's not always available.

(TW: pet death) On a sadder note, T and C had to put down their elderly cat this evening. He fell off their bed after dinner and was really out of it. Panting, unable to walk or see straight. They rushed him to the ER where the vet came out almost immediately after assessing the situation and told them he had a blood clot stuck in between his legs, paralyzing him. Surgery would be at least 14k and only give him a 50% chance of making it. So T and C made the hard decision to put him down. I broke down in tears when T called and gave B and I the news. B held me as I dropped to the floor and began to disassociate. I almost switched, but I think Renee helped me push through, so I was able to stick with it and power through the pain. Progress. I've known that cat for over a decade, and loved him dearly, just like everyone else. Sure, he was getting old, but he certainly had a few more years left on him. I'm so sorry for T and C's loss, and I can't imagine what their other pets are going through, knowing that their long-time friend is now gone.

It's been about an hour since the call and I'm still crying, no doubt a result of being sick. B told me to relax and recouperate, and he'll look after mom, so I think I'm going to go to bed early. Hopefully I will feel better in the morning.

[camsdairy]

Entry 5

R and E came over for dinner, yesterday, and we had a good time. It's been a while since we've spent time together, as R has been busy with work and E has been busy with college, but now she's on spring break. After dinner, E told me about this website called Picrew and explained that people submit their art so others can use it to create their own characters. I thought that was pretty cool! She showed me how it worked and said that maybe I could use it to show how my multiples say they look like. After R and E left, and B and I cared for mom as usual and put her to bed, I ended up spending hours fiddling with different character makers. I eventually found ones I liked and did my best to make depictions of myself and my multiples as accurately as possible. They're not perfect, but it's something. I also typed up little blurbs of us to go along with each image. If anyone reads this, I hope you enjoy.

(Oh, and I finally figured out how to edit Tumblr text on mobile, so now I can embolden, italicize, and more! Yay!)

Name, Gender, Age: Cammy, woman, 40

Roles: core, host?

Orientation: sex-repulsed butch lesbian

Likes: solitude, found family stories, lasagna

Dislikes: politics, loud noises, most spiders

Personality: loner, homebody, people pleaser, addictive, outdoorsy

Background: Venezuelan, Jewish Italian

Name, Gender, Age: Sylvia, girl, ~7

Roles: possible memory and/or trauma holder

Orientation: too young for orientation labels

Likes: pink, animals, playing outside

Dislikes: yelling, family holidays, itchy dresses

Personality: kind-hearted, agreeable, eager to make friends, plays hard, wary of (most) men

Background: Jewish Italian

Name, Gender, Age: Danny, boy, ~12

Roles: persecutor

Orientation: straight

Likes: Spiderman, music, girls

Dislikes: yelling, birthdays, family holidays

Personality: most aggressive, rule-breaker, back-breaker, plays hard, jokester

Background: Jewish

Name, Gender, Age: Grace, woman, 20s

Roles: trauma & memory holder

Orientation: sex-repulsed, romance-repulsed

Likes: Tracy Chapman, house plants, coffee

Dislikes: children, winter, aggressive dogs

Personality: second most aggressive, assertive, independent, addictive, sarcastic

Background: Venezuelan, Jewish Italian

Name, Gender, Age: Alice, woman, unknown age

Roles: protector, caretaker

Orientation: futch lesbian

Likes: cats, veggie lovers pizza, birthdays

Dislikes: politics, summer, silverfish

Personality: laid-back, no nonsense, family-oriented, flirty, bookworm

Background: Venezuelan, Italian

Name, Gender, Age: Renee, woman, unknown age

Roles: gatekeeper, internal self helper

Orientation: not known / uninterested

Likes: solitude, cats, children

Dislikes: self-doubt, liars, loud noises

Personality: easy going, sociable, quiet, advocate of slow living, honest to a fault

Background: no identity

Here are the character makers I used: makowka character maker II / little guy maker / character maker! ✦ by veluv

[camsdairy]

Entry 4

So the trigger streak is broken. I lasted 15 days. Yesterday, I got call around 1:30 in the afternoon from a number I didn't recognize. I assumed it was disability calling to schedule an assessment appointment, but when I answered it, I didn't hear a stranger's voice. Instead I heard dad's narcissistic widow's (D) voice. I don't know how she got my number. I haven't spoken with her or seen her since I was in high school when I was forced to babysit K, all because she refused to be a mother to her own infant/toddler son. I felt myself begin to disassociate heavily as she proceeded to talk my ear off, pretending to be friendly, and I blacked out. I'm grateful I was already sitting down when she called.

When I came to, it was Saturday, some time after dinner. B was home, so I asked him what happened. He told me that by the time he came home from work, yesterday, Alice was cooking dinner for herself, mom, and him. She told him D called and asked if she and her boyfriend could stay over for a few nights before they went on a cruise, then asked for money for some cruise "expenses". When Alice said no, D began yelling at and berating her, and so Alice hung up and blocked the number. Some time after that, K texted and apologized profusely for his mother's shitty behaviour. Apparently, D called him while he was at work and demanded that he speak to "me" in the middle of his time on the clock to convince "me" that my family should give into her delusional demands. She also admitted to, with some coercion, snooping around K's phone during their last visit to get my number, because she knew we still talked. Alice assured him that her behavior wasn't his fault, but that he should consider going no contact, as he has his own issues with her.

I don't remember D as much as the multiples who interacted with her more than I did, but from what I do remember of her, this narcissistic behavior checks out. Sometimes people never change, even if decades have passed.

Anyway, it pretty much ruined my plans for Friday and today, since it caused Alice to come out, so I wasn't present over 24 hours and now need to recuperate. Thankfully, B has off work until Monday, so that'll take the weight off my shoulders of having to care for myself and mom at the same time. Alice left a note for me and told me she remembered to write an entry in our diary and had no issues taking care of mom, so I feel somewhat better.

[camsdairy]

Entry 3

This morning, I was woken up prematurely by disability determination for some questions about my life to assess whether or not I should continue to be receiving disability benefits. While on paper, I should be able to continue receiving them, I'm still very worried that I will be denied. We really need the money. And I'm not sure how it will be impacted once I start working for myself.

Some time ago, B had recommended that I look into autism as a possiblity as to why my ADD diagnosis never felt like the sole issue I've been affilicted with my whole life. Finding out that I have DID answered so many questions, sure, but there's still something missing. I've been doing so much research on the topic that I'm beginning to believe that I may, in fact, be autistic. While I don't relate with everything autistic people do, there's many things I do relate with. I've felt like the only person who has felt the way I do for decades, only to find people who experience the same things I do. One of B's clients is an elderly woman around mom's age who was just recently diagnosed with autism, and B said that she reminds him of me when I don't mask. I've learned about masking, too, and how it not only hides signs of ADD/ADHD and DID, but autism, too. I relate heavily with high-masking autistics and people with both autism and ADHD. I've probably been masking for most of my life. B told me that when Sylvia or Danny are out, the signs of autism (and ADHD) are more obvious. B was also diagnosed with ADHD, but at a much younger age than I was, and he also suspects himself to be autistic. I know now that it's genetic, but I'm not sure which of our parents we get it from. Mom could be high-masking, or maybe I just don't know what it looks like for her, and I certainly don't know what she's experienced internally. I can't really ask her questions, now, anyway. And dad.... I don't want to think about him. I don't think I nor my multiples paid enough attention to his behavior and idiosyncrasies when he was alive. We didn't want to.

When G's son J was 3 years old, I learned that he was diagnosed with autism. I've met him several times, and not once did I see myself in him. He's significantly younger, non-verbal and high support needs, so of course I wouldn't relate with him. I truly believe that if you've met one autistic person, you've only met one. It is a spectrum, after all.

Anyway, I'll do more research into autism, collect as much information about my experiences as I can, and bring it to my psychiatrist the next time I see him to see if I can get an autism diagnosis. Although, I've heard the process is grueling, very expensive, and sometimes not even worth it due to lack of accommodations for autistic adults, so I'm not sure if it's even worth it. I'll bring it up regardless.

[camsdairy]

Entry 2

Today in therapy, my therapist brought up age regression therapy, again, but I'm still not ready. I want to integrate, I really do, but I'm afraid of having to remember the abuse I endured which caused me to split in the first place. Ironically enough, when Grace was out the last time age regression therapy was brought up, she was all for it. Even though I haven't been triggered in two weeks, I still disassociate when I'm stressed, which is unfortunately often despite being medicated. Living like this isn't healthy, but I don't know what to do. I've tried every medication under the sun, and my current medications are the only ones that have worked best. I've been slacking on my breathing exercises, so I should really get back on that instead of allowing my stress to consume me. B has always been patient with me, and especially so after my diagnosis. I can't thank him enough, so the least I can do is be patient with myself.

My therapist also asked how I've been feeling in general, and I admitted to sometimes feeling lonely when under too much stress. I'm usually pretty secure with being a loner, but every once in a while, I feel truly alone all because nobody in my life is a multiple. I'm glad I have a therapist I can vent to about my problems, but I need someone who I can relate with, preferably around my age. I wish there was a way to meet people like me in person, because online doesn't cut it. I barely leave the house, only venturing out for errands and taking mom with me, which is difficult. And if I want to see my friends, most of the time, they are the ones coming to me. I'm glad they're so understanding of my situation and enjoy spending time here, but I wish I could see them at their homes, again, and check out that kava bar they've been telling me about.

Something else that's been on my mind these past two weeks is that I wish my family could afford a pet, because I miss having M around, and I know having that added emotional support would be helpful. I've been thinking about her a lot lately. It's been two years without her, and that's far too long. I don't know how we were able to afford taking care of her, what with her and mom's medical expenses, but we made it work. Maybe one day we can have a pet again. But I don't think that will even be a conversation until after mom passes, which could be years, months, or days even. I don't like thinking about her passing, but I also hate watching her deteriorate. She was my rock, my protector. When all is said and done, and I've had a good cry, I'll be happy for her once her pain is gone.

[camsdairy]

Entry 1

Today has been exhausting. B had work, so I had look after mom by myself for most of the day as usual. It was hard because mom's health has been getting worse lately. Even when she doesn't remember me, I'm thankful that she's still her kind-hearted self. After dinner, she had an accident. I'm just grateful B was home by that time so he could help me clean her up and the mess. If our dog M was still alive, I'm certain she would have helped, too. Haha!

Therapy and integration work has been going well, and I haven't been triggered in about two weeks, which is a new record! Life has been stressful, of course, but at least I remember it. Last diary entry was from Danny. He ate ice cream, again, even though he knows I'm lactose intolerant. He only got about three spoonfuls in before B caught him and put a stop to it, so I/he only suffered a mild stomach ache.

Anyway, it's late, so I think it's time for bed.