[camtrouvaille]

Empty. Is that was 26 feels like? Devoid of passion. Because I am happy but is that enough? Why is there a void when I feel like I have everything I ever begged God for. Did I think I’d turn into a writer or a banker? Did I want more than this? Maybe it’s selfishness but I feel this need in my chest tugging so hard but for what I don’t know. I still feel unsatisfied.

[camtrouvaille]

I forgot what it was like to not get out of bed all day. To wake up, only to take a nap again. To not have the energy to take a shower or eat. I forgot the sinking feeling in your chest and the crippling anxiety that comes with it. I haven’t felt this way since I was a teenager and I forgot how easy it is to sit in your sadness and misery. Feeling this way again almost feels like reconnecting with an old friend. There is a certain comfort in it. So I guess I will lay here a little while longer.

-C.C.

[camtrouvaille]

I haven’t written in so long because I haven’t been heartbroken in so long. I forgot the way it feels to be young and to love with abandon, without fear. How it felt to wait hours by the phone and click your name in my search history for the 100th time. I forgot the way my heart would race with anxiety when you wouldn’t call or tell me you made it home safe. The way I would hold it all in, out of fear of driving you away. My only release, spilling it all out on paper. The ink mixing with tears. I haven’t written in so long and sometimes I miss it, like you might miss your youth, but you only miss it because it is fleeting. Sometimes I miss it and other times I know I’m better off now because I am no longer 17 and in love. I am no longer heart broken and writing.

-C.C.

[camtrouvaille]

You were nervous but I said yes without hesitation. Before you could even open the little box my arms were around you. I said yes and congratulatory snow from the squirrels fell down upon us and a car horn had just stopped going off. There was a wet spot on your knee afterwards and our coffees waited in the snow. Forever seems like such a short amount of time when I think about spending it with you.

-C.C.

[camtrouvaille]

My quirky math teacher grins and his graying ponytail sways as he scribbles the infinity symbol on the bored. He turns to look at us when he’s finished, looking smug. He points at it and declares “this isn’t a real thing.” An infinity does not exist, you can imagine it and try to fathom it but a forever is not real. It cannot ever contained, even with this symbol. But humans are so needy and their desire to have clarity and definitive answers is what put this symbol on something that does not even exist. He continues by saying it seems to give some people peace of mind, but only if they do not understand that everything eventually has an ending. Even a forever, or an eternity, or in this case an infinity. And for some reason that was just as comforting to me as my dad was on the day you left me.

-C.C.

[camtrouvaille]

You know how when you wear the same piece of jelwery every single day, it slowly becomes a part of you. But then when you take it off you see how often you mindlessly twisted the ring or pulled at the necklace, you realize how reassuring it was, well that is what losing you felt like. It is like you were always there until you were not and I am constantly reminded of it when I roll to your side of the bed and it is cold after years of being warm.

-C.C.

[camtrouvaille]

I saw you for the first time in over a year. The last time you heard from me I was broken, desperate, and drunk. Somehow I expected you to be able to fix me. When I saw you this time it was somehow the same, but different. You walked up to me, put your arm around me and made your usual snide remarks. You pointed out my shaking hands and uneasy laugh. It was like nothing changed, except this time when I walked away I did not miss a thing.

-C.C.

[camtrouvaille]

I want to beg you not to go but I know it will not make a difference. You were set on leaving me the day you met me. You just stayed a little longer than you originally intended.

-C.C.

[camtrouvaille]

His hands have roamed more people than I care to think of. His lips leaving a trail of sins along every persons body he has used to fill his void. His conquests are far and wide and I know he does not love me like I love him. I know I should not feel special that he held me that one night, that he confided in me, or that he let me stay. He is cruel and alluring, a complete enigma. I have been told that the feeling of falling in love and the feeling of fear are similar. And when I am around him the lines are blurred and I do not know if I am infatuated or terrified. It all starts to feel the same, my pulse quickens, my hands become restless, my heart pounds, and I am not sure if I should take flight or give in. He can have me for as long as he wants me, though I know I will never be enough to fill that ever deepening void.

-C.C.

[camtrouvaille]

I knew within six months of meeting him that I would walk away from everything for him. My home, my family, my friends, my career. I would come to terms with the fact that he might not be there when I gave birth to our children and would possibly miss first words, first steps, birthdays and holidays. I would choose to continuously uproot our children and try my hardest to make every house we moved into a home. I even accepted the tragic reality that I could potentially become a widow, a single mother. All because of the exact words that I tell him every single night. “I love you more than anything”. Some may call this the most reckless thing I have ever done, but it isn’t, it’s safe. Because those are the most true words I’ve ever uttered. I would walk so he could fly.

-C.C.

[blossomfully]

Sue Zhao

[camtrouvaille]

You tell me to close my eyes while I am kissing you, but I am afraid that if I do, you might slip away. That when I open them I will realize it was all a dream.

-C.C.

[camtrouvaille]

I thought we would have forever. And maybe we did have a forever? A special moment in time carved out for us and only us. Maybe sometimes forevers just do not last as long as we’d like them to. But that shouldn’t take away from that person, memory, or moment. Because I would have lived through a million tiny forevers with you. Even if they all ended.

-C.C.

[i-wrotethisforme]

If I stayed with my ex, I would be married with kids right now and honestly I would be really happy, I know that. But I wouldn’t have met you or your sister or my neighbors or any of the guys I’ve dated in the past 5 years or any of the people I consider my best friends right now. And there are thousands of pictures I wouldn’t have taken and memories I wouldn’t have made and trips I wouldn’t have gone on and favorite outfits I wouldn’t have bought. And I wouldn’t live in this apartment and I wouldn’t have taken this job. I was so close to my entire life being completely different. My life that I’m in love with almost didn’t exist. That’s why I’m thankful for that breakup and all the worst moments of my life. Because I wouldn’t have what I have right now without every decision I’ve made leading up to today, even the bad ones.

[camtrouvaille]

You used to Kiss me slowly with your hands around my waist and now you do it with your eyes open and I wonder if you feel distaste. I once complimented your shirt and after you hardly ever took it off but now it hangs in the back of your closet, never to come off the hanger. You used to open the door for me and hold my hand in the car but now you are always in a rush and your hand only grips the steering wheel to avoid mine. I told you I loved you today and I think you pretended you didn’t hear me. I cannot help but wonder when you stopped.

-C.C.

[i-wrotethisforme]

It hurts because I used to buy shirts in your favorite color. And I used to clean my house before you came over. And you reminded me of Christmas even in April. And now I’ll never wear yellow again and I don’t care if you see empty wine bottles by my front door because I don’t even care if I ever see you again. And that’s scary because that’s evidence that I’ve changed. To my core. And I used to like who I was before.

[camtrouvaille]

And I hope you don’t view me as the one who got a way, because I was never really meant to stay, I was never really yours anyway. I loved you though, so much that it destroyed me. You could’ve asked me to light myself on fire and I would have, with a smile and shaking fingers. You could have asked me to stay and I would have, with a smile and tears in my eyes. But you never did though and I am forever thankful for it. Because you could have returned and I would have been far too weak to stop you.

-C.C.