captainstarsplitter

Trekkie | Feminist | Immigrant | starsplitter on AO3

[aidashakur]

i'm moving different because I want different… old ways won't open new doors for me.

[inahiddenplace]

be open with your love and loud with your laughter. life is so much brighter when lived genuinely.

[captainstarsplitter]

“Idk, my health just hasn’t been the greatest lately…”

… says the woman who refuses to go to bed on time and get more than 6 hours of sleep.

[weimarweekly]

[captainstarsplitter]

Y’all. Y’all.

[gaycrouton]

Walter Skinner’s hand is one of my favorite characters in The X-Files

[vampirejuno]

Do you ever become mutuals with someone you share an intense interest with and it becomes this limbo of "I want to be your friend SO fucking bad but I'll eat a shoe before dm-ing first"

[captainstarsplitter]

… 🫠🫠🫠

[oneheadtoanother]

Y'all aren't ready for this conversation

[sab3rtooth]

trying to look ethereal at the grocery store

[captainstarsplitter]

This is what my house looked like 9 days ago. Today I have almost completely set up the living room & kitchen, the bedroom is in the works and the spawn’s room will follow. (Unpacking is the absolute worst, on that note.)

I have two whole weeks by myself while the spawn is visiting her dad overseas. I am back to work. I’m very fortunate that I’m slowly getting my life back, returning to my normal routine.

I’m not doing well. I’ve decided to make productive use of my time alone and take care of myself: Having my medication adjusted, focusing on self-care and making sure I’m staying on top of my schedule. I should probably also focus on better sleep hygiene, but … well. My main task though is to finally reach out to get evaluated for whatever it is that makes me feel like something is seriously different about me versus other people. There always has been some sort of rift, a feeling of otherness. For the longest time I told myself it’s because of the cultural barrier I’ve experienced since moving to the US, but let’s face it — I felt the disconnect just as much when I was in my country of origin. My geographical location has nothing to do with whatever is going on. (Hello, it’s me! I’m the problem, it’s me.)

The cute security dude at work asked me out for a date, and we’ve been texting and talking where time permits. I feel horrible saying it because he’s a thoroughly nice and good-hearted guy, but there’s just … not a lot of there there. It’s already evident that neither our interests nor our intellectual level match (and I’m not talking about formal education, because he has a college degree and I don’t, at least none that’s accredited in the US). Also, he hasn’t read a book in seven years. Seven.

I feel like a horrible snob (I am a horrible snob) ... but my God. I can’t complain about not getting any attention from men — it’s more like 80% of the time getting said attention feels predatory — but is it too much to ask to see something a little more promising, maybe?

[enigmasandepiphanies]

having a crush as an adult is so embarrassing, like why am I kicking my feet and giggling instead of earning enough money to get the green sofa of my dreams

[captainstarsplitter]

HOW DARE anyone call me out like that while I’m simping over the cute security guy that works in my building … months after he started waving and smiling at me. Fucker was persistent, I’ll give him that. He’s got me now.

[themadscene]

Lyle Ashton Harris. “untitled (Lyle and Robert, Bronx, New York, circa mid 1980s)”

[captainstarsplitter]

“I don’t think much about him no more

Seldom, if ever, does he cross my mind

Yesterday’s gone,

Lord, it’s better forgotten

Like the poison red berries to die on the vine.”

Reminiscing. Sometimes grief hits hard, and nothing stings like the things that could have been. One of these days I will probably laugh about it, but today I’m surrounded by a plethora of complicated feelings (and moving boxes, and bubble wrap, and packing tape).

[trash-sandwich]

Because another 5,000 words of (mostly) Mike/Roddy RPS was totally how you expected to close out your weekend. The last of stuff from the boneyard. 

Part One: How to Destroy Angels

Part Deux: Working Title: Reverse Cowgirl

[captainstarsplitter]

I AM SO FLIPPING EXCITED FOR THIS IT’S NOT PRETTY ANYMORE.

[halogenic]

I think about this once a day.

[captainstarsplitter]

It is Saturday. The spawn is snoozing next to me in a light slumber and every time she wakes up she’s mad AF, for no other reason than having woken up (I feel you, child).

Ex-spouse is here for a visit since the spawn’s birthday is coming up in a few. I’m elated for my child that she gets to see her dad, and simultaneously very aware that the mere presence of the man — including his passive-aggressive comments, snide remarks about my supposed lack of intelligence/grasp of the English language (we can absolutely hash this out in German, fucker, and see how well you do … oh wait! You don’t speak it.) and non-stop complaints about various ailments — fuck with my head. I’m angry and on edge. I’ve spent a decade living like this and basically was the complaints department for a dude with zero interests. I’m not even gonna start about how I feel I wasted my twenties being a maid, so there’s no need for digression. It’s all water under the bridge, and I will remind myself that I’ve always been the most interesting part of his persona when we were together. (Insert upside down smiling emoji here.)

Today my new couch will be delivered. It was yet another FB Marketplace find and most definitely a splurge, but it’s red oak and leather and Amish-made and I am absolutely in love and can’t wait to sprawl around on it.

[captainstarsplitter]

I have been productive in the last couple weeks. More productive than I’ve been in a long time, and yet I still feel drained and unaccomplished. I guess I should feel proud that I’m getting stuff done and remind myself that there are lots of good things happening; but it just kind of … doesn’t reach the part where my brain decides to release some goddamn endorphins. I’m hoping that being in the new place will feel liberating and maybe ease some of the relentless persistent sadness I’m feeling. Y’all, I’ve got the morbs. Depression/grief/trauma sucks.

On a brighter note, I found furniture. First, there was a mid-century vanity complete with mirror in mint condition that I snatched up from my local thrift store. The item is unmarked and likely mass-produced, but in decent shape nevertheless and the (cosmetic) repairs I’m currently working on are minor.

To make things easier, I begrudgingly re-activated my Facebook account and realized that a) Marketplace is still the easiest way to get rid of all the crap you don’t need and b) there’s lots of good stuff for cheap. My first find was a gigantic Safavieh area rug from their Kenya collection. It’s bright and delightfully textured and a lot and I can’t wait to lay down on it after a long day.

My second find was a round dining table made of teak, sold by a wonderful retiree couple from a neighboring town. They were sweet and funny and helpful (not to mention their absolutely beautiful apartment), and the table is in immaculate shape, especially considering it’s older than me.

Third I found a Danish teak side table made by Trioh (and there’s even a matching coffee table available from a different seller, which honestly is just too good to pass up). The side table itself is in great condition.

Lastly, I finally found a pair of dining chairs, and at a steal to boot. They’re Maui by Vico Magistretti for Kartell, and while they were not in good shape anymore, fixing them up has been fun and challenging altogether. Plastic is less forgiving than wood, but triple 0 steel wool has worked well for me so far. (The same seller I got the chairs from also has a beautiful Mission-style leather couch made of red oak, and while it’s totally out of my price range I’m considering the splurge).

I’ve noticed again how much I enjoy working with my hands. The monotony and precision of the task calms and distracts me, and it serves as a good reminder that the effort, elbow grease and dedication I’m putting into things will eventually pay off.

[theygender]

Anyone else feel like things have been Very recently? Like it's all just getting a little Too for me

[captainstarsplitter]

Presented without further comment.