Poetry from the soul

Where I post poems, not that anyone cares

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

21

Invite email sent. "Turn up if you fancy a drink, don't need confirmations" Except no one does. If it weren't for family there'd only be two people there. A best friend. The only friend. The birthday girl tries a brave face. It's cracked and showing. False reassurances. "It was late notice, and it's the July fortnight." The truth: the birthday girl is a loser. The bbq at the weekend only so full due to parents' friends; the best friend's boyfriend. The birthday girl is a loser. It's her 21st birthday, a big birthday. It's her 21st birthday and she's ending it sat in the dark in her room crying. It's her 21st birthday and she's never felt so shitty. She's not sure if it's worse that no one turned up, or that if someone did they'd see how lame she truly is. It's her 21st birthday and instead of stopping out until the late hours she's crying at home hating herself for thinking people cared. They don't. It's her 21st birthday and she hates it. The birthday girl is tired and sad and alone. She hates it.

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

I just want to fucking die

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

It’s in the way you stand there with a heavy heart, tears in your eyes, trying to breathe past the lump in your throat. It’s in the way you look at them with such a burning trust and hopeful desire that maybe they won’t say what you know they will. It’s in the way you want to scream “Fuck off!” but hold your tongue because you know if you don’t then you’ll lose them forever. It’s in the way your mind and heart and soul bleed for them and they know that, but you know it doesn’t go both ways. It’s in the way they look back at you, regret and anguish glazing their eyes as they whisper “I’m sorry.” It’s in the way you stand there with a heavy heart, tears in your eyes, trying to breathe past the lump in your throat. It’s in the way you turn around and walk away, fighting with yourself not to look back because you know if you do you’ll forgive them. It’s in the way you finally let the tears fall as you curl up in bed, pillow clutched to your chest and blanket pulled over your head. It’s in the way you scream yourself hoarse in the middle of a field, in the middle of nowhere, because you finally feel alone. It’s in the way you avoid them for the next few weeks because that fiery betrayal still burns deep within your chest. It’s in the way you stand there with a heavy heart, tears in your eyes, trying to just fucking breathe past the lump in your throat. It’s in the way you look at them with such heartbreak and rejection as you murmur “I’m sorry.” and walk away for the last time. It’s in the way you look over your shoulder and finally feel nothing like regret or guilt or shame or disappointment as they stare after you. It’s in the way you leave them behind so they can no longer do it to you when it suits them or it’s more convenient to leave you stranded. It’s in the way - years later - you stand there with a heavy heart, tears in your eyes, trying to breathe past the lump in your throat. It’s in the way your breathing stutters and your heart jumps as they look at you in the exact same way and whisper “I’m sorry.” but this time you know they mean it. It’s in the way they look at you with regret and guilt and shame in their eyes and a shaking in their hands that lets you know it’s real. It’s in the way your soul lifts and your lips quirk upwards as you find it within yourself to finally nod and smile and say, “I forgive you now.”

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

A Burnt Ship - Transformed

{{ Poem originally by John Donne }} Out of a fired ship, which by no way But drowning could be rescued from the flame, Some men leap'd forth, and ever as they came Near the foes' ships, did by their shot decay; So all were lost, which in the ship were found, They in the sea being burnt, they in the burnt ship drown'd. Looking at it now, I can almost feel the despair wracking each of their bodies. They know it's futile. Stay and be reduced to ash and smoke on the water, or jump and drown before ever reaching the shore; that or be shot by passing enemies. No hope, no chance of rescue, just the mere thoughts of a cold yet gratifying death to accompany them into the depths of the ocean. It's sad really. Many of them don't deserve to die - at least not like this they don't. There jumps another one - except this one was caught aflame, the material of his shirt engulfed in a lone blaze of agony encompassing the man's arm. I can hear the shouts, the orders and commands to just "put the damn fires out for god's sake" yet no one moves. Obviously they have given up quicker than their dear Captain. I witness another handful of the crew jump for their lives. "Captain!" I hear a desperate voice yell, his panicked acceptance of his demise almost tangible, "Captain come on! We've got to jump, it's our only chance." The captain turns, hat long since abandoned in his efforts to rid his ship of the flames that showed no remorse as they consumed the sodden planks, and he frowns. "You know as well as I that we could have done it. We could have stopped the fire." "So what if we did? A weakened ship screams death as much as a burnt one in the eyes of those bastards." A dramatic gesticulation in the direction of the spectating voyagers surrounding their prolapsing vessel in conjunction with his statement. Again the captain turns. Keen eyes seek out their foes and yet no emotion clouds his face. Raising a hand, he salutes the still sailing boats and returns his gaze to his first mate. "Go." "What do you mean? You're not leaving?" Disbelief and a pang of concern coat the tone of the younger man's voice. A sad, almost wistful look crosses over the captain's features and he shakes his head softly, slowly. "A captain always goes down with his ship." The other man stays, unwilling to allow his captain to die alone. That man a=nd that ship had shown him more in life than he could have ever hoped for staying in the sleepy dockside town he'd grown up in, and so he stays. The captain lies down on the deck. Acceptance that there is truly nothing left for them to attempt that is within their capabilities; he knows death is waiting for them. His first mate rallies the remaining members of the crew and then they all lay together, arms folded behind heads and eyes staring into a darkening sky. The approaching stars and the luminescence of the moon come as a blessing, one last picturesque sight for a group of dead men; the roar of the flames is insufferable, the growing heat oppressive and stifling as trembling waves of it ascend into the night. Unseeing eyes stare into an endless sky, the last of the fires resolutely enveloping the wooden panelling, the whittled decorations, the men who refused to jump. The onlookers bow their heads. Few salute the crew; many murmur a prayer that despite their feuds the dead would find their way to a final resting place; all thank their luck that they hadn't met a similar fate. Moving forward, I see the destruction wrought by the fire. Those who fled the ship burnt, and those who stayed drowned. As Death incarnated, I take each soul by the hand, and we move as one. All were lost today. So now a line of spirits walk toward a different type of tomorrow. The last of the horizon is still emblazoned across the sky, as the silhouette of a burnt ship remains on, in and under the water.

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

Feel my resolve wearing down See my time running out I feel myself standing Too far from the ground I don’t wanna fall Too scared to end it all But I step And I drop Turn around See the top Of that skyscraper All my pain's gonna stop The ground’s coming up fast It’s too late to turn back Forgive me I’m sorry But I jumped And I fell So goodbye And so long This is my farewell…

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

For Erebor

Together we stand, Arm in arm, hand in hand, Until death do we fight, Not one gets out alive. And should we all die today, Then at the least we can say: "Remembered forevermore, In our quest for Erebor." We stand cool and calm. We, brothers in arms, Looking down at that field, In the battle we won't yield. If wounded, we fall, Yet we still give our all, "Remembered forevermore, In our quest for Erebor." Cut through flesh, cut through bone, We fight for our home. A company of thirteen, Think how much we have seen. Look how far we have come, So today must be won, "Remembered forevermore, In our quest for Erebor." Many lives we have lost, Was it all worth the cost? Our leader and kin Now just icy pale skin. Durin's line now dismembered, But in legends remembered, But this battle naught in vain, For Erebor is ours once again. Together we stand, Arm in arm, hand in hand, Until death do we fight, Not one gets out alive. And should we all die today, Then at the least we can say: "Remembered forevermore, In our quest for Erebor."

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

I Am Not Broken

I am not broken. I may be dented and scratched, A little bruised and bent, With torn corners And frayed edges, But I am not broken. Sure, maybe superglue isn't as good at sticking back together the pieces of a broken heart, As it is at mending broken spectacle frames. And maybe duct tape isn't as great at taping back together the pieces of a shattered soul, As it is at fixing plastic pipes. And maybe zip ties don't work as well for securing you to an anchor point in life, As they work for strapping a kidnapping victim to a chair. But I'm still Not Broken. The cracks are there, The bruises, the scratches, the dents, the bends, the tears, the frayed edges, They're all there. That doesn't mean I'm broken.

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

Inspired by the new horror movie 'Babadook'

Once upon a time In a little nook Sitting there Was a large red book Through it's design And chilling crooks A twisted secret inside You should never look He goes knock knock And creeps and slides Into your room He's going to get you Very soon You shouldn't feel The need to look Because he'll go "Ba-ba-dook-dook-dook..." Once upon a time In that red book There lived a creature The Babadook With long long arms And dark dark eyes A hat atop his head He's very old, very wise He hides in wardrobes Makes not a sound That is until Night time comes around Then he'll tap and knock His fingers crooked Whispering over and over "Baba-dook, dook, dook" He sees you sleeping And he comes creeping Sliding over to your bed Crouching down by your head He smooths your hair And smiles slightly He strokes your cheek Tugs your ear lightly He moves closer Makes not a peep Then he slowly croaks "Don't go to sleep" You turn over He flees back To the wardrobe Behind the clothes rack You stir and awaken Your eyes open and wide Just like the wardrobe door To your surprise You get out of bed And step to the floor Making your way over To that open door You peek inside See nothing but clothes What's actually there Nobody knows. Once upon a time In a little nook There lived a creature The Babadook With long long arms And dark dark eyes A hat atop his head He'll give you a surprise Whether it's in a word Or it's in a look You can't get rid Of the Babadook... "Ba-ba-dook-dook-dook..."

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

Smile for no reason No reason at all That way No one can take it away That smile will forever be yours You don’t have to mean it It can even be just a little one But smile, smile, smile.

Smile for no reason No reason at all They say if you fake it Just for long enough It’ll become real And you’ll feel it So smile, smile, smile.

Smile for no reason No reason at all Because yeah Life can be shit But there’s no reason to feel it So smile, smile, smile.

This poem is really bad And I don’t believe it myself But I’m gonna try to anyway And have a little faith That smiling for no reason No reason at all Is the true key to happiness Because my smile is forever mine So I will just

Smile, smile, smile…

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

It hurts to breathe It hurts to see That the reflection staring back Is actually me My skin itches It doesn’t fit I don’t fit I never have I don’t think I want to Conformity At it’s finest Pretending Playing a game Self deception Not as fun as people make it out to be I don’t want to be me But I don’t want to be them

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

You fight, and fight, and fight Yet nothing happens, nothing changes You have no control They take it away And it leaves you clutching at nothing Hands are empty Grasping at a lifeline that isn’t there - It’s an illusion Just like everything else Lies, deception, lies, rejection, lies ...

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

Tears fall Hearts break Souls crack. Emptiness refills them all. No more tears Nothing left to break Nothing left to shatter Gaping cavities That make up a person Who has nothing left. They’re empty. Because others took Took Took But never once did they Give

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

We are only human School seems to forget this We’re students, teenagers Yet we’re thrown into the abyss The choices and the decisions The options all minor incisions Slowly cutting away at our soul At our strength, at our pride It’s no wonder we go to such great lengths to hide Behind...

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

Hello Darkness, my old friend It’s nice of you to visit again I haven’t seen you in so long Tell me, What did you do while you were gone?

Did you see others? Just like me When you arrived Did they smile? Did a tiny or small, Giant or large Smile light up their face? Was it a beam of...

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

I feel numb.

I remember saying "I wish I couldn't feel."

I didn't mean like this.

I am no longer living, I merely exist.

The only time I Feel Is when I'm staring death Directly in the face.

Then I feel alive.

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

Rainy days just float away There is no concept of time Hard to keep the loneliness at bay Then I remember you are mine You put a smile on my face Even when I feel like crying You let me know I have a place Of that, there is no denying It’s because of you That I feel loved It’s like you’re a force Sent down from above And I know you’d never leave me

Because I am you And you are me We’re two pieces Just meant to be You fill the cracks Purify my soul When I feel empty You make me whole again We are one

Sunny days spent out together Dancing beneath the trees Days like this should last forever Despite all of the skinned knees Tripping up and falling over You pick me up again You hand me a four leaf clover You wish me luck and then We sit down On the grass Simply watching Clouds as they pass And I know you’d never leave me

Because I am you And you are me We’re two pieces Just meant to be You fill the cracks Purify my soul When I feel empty You make me whole again We are one

Of course there are off days Nothing’s ever perfect But to see you smiling An apology is worth it A love like ours is worth it A love like ours is pretty damn close to perfect

Because I am you And you are me We’re two pieces Just meant to be You fill the cracks Purify my soul When I feel empty You make me whole again

Because I am you And you are me We’re two pieces Just meant to be You fill the cracks Purify my soul When I feel empty You make me whole again We are one Yeah Together We are one

[captainwordsfromtheheart]

I miss the days Where we'd climb trees Our mothers tutting At skinned knees We wouldn't care To her dismay Just run outside Again to play With sun-kissed skin And smiles so sweet Laughter flowing Through the streets Hands drawn like guns Our war paint on With sticks as swords Those games we won Out all day from dawn to dusk Stopping only for tea Then back out again we were Pretending to sail the sea That'd be just day one Next day we'd do the same Instead we would play ninjas A new day, a different game I miss the days Where'd we'd run free Feel like no one could tell us no Our clothes would fray We'd have sore feet From going wherever we'd go Hide 'n seek, tag you're 'it' Cops and Robbers and more Manhunt, and hopscotch We were never bored I miss the days We spent outside Now those are few and rare We've lost our ways Now trapped inside Our inspiration bare We sit and type on laptops The click click clack of keys Instead of squealing laughter And the buzzing of the bees Alas though, it's not our fault We all know who to blame The media, the government An endless list of names I want it back to the days Where we were all full of heart No pressures, no stress, no fear Let go back to the start...