Hiatus // Realizing my abuse isn’t justified
equiniisms:
So, I don’t really know how to put this. But basically, if you know me, you know I take care of my mother, who also abuses me, but since I don’t really have any other options of living, I’ve stayed with her and put up with her abuse, and told myself that I’m used to it, it’s been six years, I’m used to this by now. But, I realized during an event that tends to trigger an explosion with her, that. I’m not. No matter how much I tell myself that I’m okay with never talking, with giving up my hobbies, my social life, keeping things inside me, over working and breaking my body, and enduring everything, I’m not. Even though I know my mother won’t be satisfied with anything I ever do, and even though I know that she’ll never be happy no matter how much I change to please her, I still feel scared of not doing so. Of not trying. There’s a voice inside me that always tells me that if I just did what she said, if I tried harder, if I took what she said as constructive criticism, and worked harder, that she’d be happy someday. I think every child wants the parent that raised them to be happy; at least, while they’re at their side. But I recognize now that it doesn’t matter what I do, how much I change myself. She’ll never be happy. She’ll never see wrong in herself. I’ll always do something that makes her angry. And I’ll always live in fear of her. I’ve always repeated her words, and other peoples words to myself to make myself get through, telling myself that I deserve this, I deserve to suffer, my mental and physical disabilities are a hindrance, and I should be glad for what she’s done. I should fear losing her. But why? As I looked at things, I realized, all she does is cage me to the home she gives me, and feeds me; nothing more, nothing less. I take care of this home, and it’s inhabitants, including mother herself, alone. Through my whole life, my friends were hand selected for me. I was never allowed to see those friends aside from the setting I met them in. And one way or another, I lost them, because she didn’t like them anymore. She always had 5 or 6 guards watching me, telling her what I was doing. Every phone I’ve ever had was hers too; none of my conversations were left in privacy. When I stopped visiting my father, it was to make her happy. I’ve never been free. And she’s never done anything for me besides the bare essentials. My mother is the one who abuses me, yet she’s the one who’s delusional, forgetful, and debilitated. I fear her, but she’s dependent on me. But I’m only 18. I’m still working on my GED. I’ve never had a friend that I truly egged with in real life. I’ve never had a job, as much as I’ve wanted one. I still don’t know how to drive; she’s put it off for years now. I’m an adult technically, but the only part of adult I know is to let my emotions eat me hollow if I had to in order to keep them from eyes.
So, basically, as much as I don’t want to, I’m going to leave equiniisms and captcm. I’m going to focus on finishing my GED, teaching myself if I have to how to drive, figure out some way to find a job, and I’m going to, most importantly, find a way to leave my home. Because no one deserves abuse. No one deserves this. No matter how much I try to excuse it. So, wish me luck. If you’d like to keep in touch, you can IM me, and I’ll give you my skype.
But until then, I hope things get better. For me, for you, for everyone.
Mihairu, the Shimmering Mun.
