"No," he found himself whispering, shaking his head as she spoke, his tone bordering on that of a whiny toddler. "No, no, no." He didn't know what he was disagreeing with. He was only trying to get it to stop, to cut off her words, to refuse to see their relationship for what it was. Even if he tried to let her go, how was he meant to? He had tried. He'd tried time and time and time again. He'd tried as many times as he'd waltzed back into her life and she knew that, she had to know that.
"I don'tโ I could never hate you, I..." He could feel his mind racing, thoughts trying to upstage his heartbeat, trying to find the words to say to salvage this... but they didn't exist. All that existed was the truth, and the terrible fear that this was his last chance to tell it to her. "I love you." He was saying it before he could think it through, but even as he did, he knew it didn't matter. He wasn't saying it to win her back, to make her change her mind; he knew her, she was stubborn. If she'd made it up, she wasn't going to budge. And it was for the best. How many times had he told her he wasn't worth it, how many times had he told her to give up on him?
He just didn't think she would actually do it.
"I'm in love with you, Carmen." The words felt like the heaviest he'd ever spoken, carrying an honesty in them that he hoped she could tell was real. Not because he wanted her to think better of him, not because he thought it would make a difference, because she deserved to know. Because if this was the last time he ever saw her, he couldn't let her go the rest of her life thinking he never really cared. "You're all I think about. When I'm with other people, when I'm alone... I can only distract myself for so long before it's just you. It's always you. You're always there like this... this... annoying fucking angel on my shoulder, but I'd be lost without you, I am..."
Lost. The word caught in his throat, met with more realizations than he had planned to sort today. The truths he tried running from was wound so tightly around the rest of them that when he pulled one out, the rest seemed to come with it, spilling out. Or maybe it was just the leftover alcohol in his system, the line of cocaine he'd done, the handful of pills he'd tossed back making him unable to shut up. "I run because it scares me. You know that. It's not you. It's... I can't do commitment because I can't even commit to... to... being here."
There was more he wanted to say, but he couldn't manage to find the words. His eyes didn't move from hers, an image still blurry through the tears he didn't realize were falling. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach; something that told him he'd met the end of the line. He'd gone too fast, he'd pushed it too far. He'd wound up alone, and it was only downhill from here. When he left her today, he was leaving a part of himself behind, and any leftover hope he'd clung to that things might one day work out. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Swizz pulled his boot back. Leaving her the option to shut the door in his face. To never have to worry about him again.