[carbonatedplasma]

idk if any of you remember #cute boy, but throughout everything we went through, we're back together again after 6ish years :)

[carbonatedplasma]

time to dump all the things I feel I cannot tell my irl loved ones.

TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts and just general sadness

everyone keeps talking about my future or any future involving me, and I don't know if I'll be there to see it. I don't see the point in finding a new job because I don't see myself being here for much longer. None of this is coming from a sad place, just lingering suicidal thoughts that are always in the background 24/7.

I told my sibling about this, and all I got back was, "it gets better" "it really got better around 34", so you're saying I have to wait ten years for things to improve? A whole decade? I understand they're just trying to help but fuck me, please listen. I have all these stupid disabilities that cause so much pain, like ffs, bpd is literally listed on the wiki page about psychological pain.

MAID will be all too tempting once it's available to those with mental illness. Sure, things are pretty okay right now, but the thoughts and temptations are still there, lurking in the corner of my mind.

anyways sorry for all of this. just needed to get it out and not in a notebook that someone irl might accidentally read and, in turn, get me admitted.

[carbonatedplasma]

literally only using tumblr to annually scream into a void at this point. tw ment of abuse/mental health stuff

things haven't gotten better since i last posted. they were for a bit in the summer and fall off and on, but they always go back to this. i finally got a legit mental health diagnosis and I'm not sure it was a good idea. just upset that it's caused by abuse, I could've been fucking normal. bpd, i suspected it, but are you fucking kidding me. having a psychiatrist look at you with sorrow while you list all of the things you've gone through and symptoms you have is just saddening. the things i mentioned that i didn't realise fully classified as abuse until talking about them to her. i need to leave

[carbonatedplasma]

can't post this elsewhere w/o the risk of being sent to a ward so. also sorry, am on mobile and can't remember how to do the hidden thing cw mention of suicidal thoughts and bad family relationships

uhhhhhh, so shit has gotten really fucking hard. I sobbed my entire drive home last night, and I mean, the thoughts have been bad but never t h i s bad. was so tempted to just let go of the wheel. everything fucking sucks right now. my parents have become horrid. transphobic, ableist, just overall shitheadery. I'd rather be dead or live in a fucking bush than be here. they threatened to stop paying for my meds.... on my fucking birthday.... saying how I need to pay for my own stuff when I literally can't afford my $100+ med bill per month, one med I literally cannot live without. struggling to find work too because of this whole pandemic, which is just delaying the process of me leaving this place forever. I'm either hiding in my room, drowning myself in endless video games and job searching, or taking shelter at my siblings. this isn't a life I want to live. I just want to leave, whether that be by death or going off grid and making the forest into my home, scrambling through the brush, full nude

[ledzepplin]

[cottagesongs]

I’d be running up that road Be running up that hill With no problems

[handweavers]

obsessed with these comments

[djmobwife-deactivated20220329]

Literally all these comments... He’s just European lmfao

[belloochie]

everyone in Munich acts like this

[neyhaz]

This dude is called "Jeremy Williams", (real name Daniel Schütz), he's German and he's infamous in Germany for being weird and supposedly on drugs. A few months ago he went on a drug-induced rant on his German YouTube channel where he said that he only eats 1kg of skyr joghurt, cheese and lemons and other foods he hated because eating foods you like make you fat. Just google “Jeremy Fragrance Skyr” or something and you’ll maybe find a reupload because he has since deleted all of his weird videos.

He also does videos of him doing naked push-ups in the street and he wears a weird “clip” on his suits in his more recent videos which supposedly help him in filtering radioactive and magnetic energy waves. Germans think he is a massive coke fiend and they don’t take him seriously AT ALL, but I enjoy watching his videos because he's so weird.

[sandmandaddy69]

[tiktoksthataregood-ish]

[lepuffpuff]

[6i0-deactivated20180625]

[chinnchin]

lediouck

[389]

Cho Gi Seok

“What’s Real” for Metal Magazine

[hinenuiitepo-deactivated2018072]

Māori woman, with traditional moko tattoo on her chin, 1890.

[softblockwashere-deactivated202]

[starjasmines]

^ people don’t often realize this but it’s so true

[softblockwashere-deactivated202]

^ For real...

[sloppystyle]

[theocseason4]

[sixpenceee]

An urban jungle located in Taipei, Taiwan. Credit to photographer Andreas Mass.