you are more than he could have ever asked for

stay hydrated and breathe

[carcinogenous]

six years later (maybe fewer)

i'm back, hungry to write more

[carcinogenous]

I’ve been reading recently and it’s reminding me what a deeply healing and nourishing activity it is. One that often sparks a relearning of yourself and what makes you human existing in the world, existing alongside other humans.

[carcinogenous]

dear furloughed partner,

in a painstakingly unfortunate turn of events, my brain has etched your image hard into a block of mind amber. Like the mosquitos suspended in a pool of gold goo.

new management is trying very hard to dispose of it but they’re finding the mistaken memorial unexpectedly sticky, too stubborn to move, the transition is taking longer than initially expected.

but not to worry, plans are being drafted in the meantime for surface alterations and, on the longer-term solution side, memory deletion. if all goes well, the image block can expect to be obliterated in the coming decade.

Management thanks you for your patience.

[carcinogenous]

its been a year and

when I close my eyes sometimes, if the weather is gloomy enough, if I am feeling sad enough, I will see you. your face.

looking back at me. Two sides of the sun blazing into each other.

I don’t think I like it but I must if it happens every so often.

I wonder what you must be doing in that house, under that cold, hopeless moon.

if you ever look up at it and wonder about me too.

[5walls]

[carcinogenous]

crazy to read past thoughts from past you

[carcinogenous]

sweet tooth

i miss my sweet boy

sweet eyes and smile

sugar coated tongue that begs me to suck. hard.

lick my lips

from the loose granules of candy crushed loveliness

that is his taffy existence,

stretchy and fluorescent, 

full of corn syrup and chemicals, bad for me but oh—

so good too.

a mouth vibrating full of diamond cut jewels,

sugary and clanging against the backs of my teeth

and syrup, melting warm down my throat.

[carcinogenous]

I can’t remember what loving you felt like anymore

[carcinogenous]

12/30/2017

The entirety of our world, from the sweet burgeoning to the quiet, shaking combustion, spanned an insignificant two months. Oh, how great structures can collapse so easily after what felt like time consuming, diligent construction

Perhaps this is just a reminder of how fleeting human nature is—in the time it took to build myself a house, I experienced and lived a lifetime, and then woke up to you disappearing into thin air right before my eyes. No trace of you left in my world, it’s like you never existed, and my heart had never left my body to live inside yours.

How beautiful and significant it was, how bitter and venemous it has now become.

I am empty- but I do not know of what.

[carcinogenous]

he told her she was pretty and she fell in love with his voice, a dark fire that licked into her ribs and lit her up        they tumbled down the well together. she is still there at the bottom and has forgotten where he is.

one fall in the capitol

[carcinogenous]

kali uchis and awkward conversation terrible pizza at busboys and poets menomale and leaving you at my door step andy kaufman and kissing until 3 am standing on your feet at kelela before sunrise before sunset before midnight tears on your pillow 'first time' meeting at columbia room the light behind us at angel olsen and the way it lit your face 5 serrano peppers and chinese sausage taking plan b 4 times that were always followed by peanut butter cups the first you told me you loved me the first time i called you daddy $5 shots, crying at the dive bar le diplomat, lamb stew, losing my gloves, crying in the street holding your hand through georgetown petworth citizen and reading room $16 burger, $14 drinks, another crying session fighting and waking up to  1 missed call, 18 text messages (this happened twice, remember) me showing you 'imagining my man' you showing me 'up in hudson' an impromptu dance to 'one step ahead' in your tiny room clutching me close one night the entire night you reaching up to tuck my hair behind my ear kissing my hand, to my wrist, sucking on my fingers great british bakeoff laying on your chest wonderland ballroom, 2 tequila shots, 2 beers 2 snowballs cold hands on your torso cold feet on your feet the two days you let me say i love you however many times i wanted and you said it back

versions of you and me I don’t want to forget

[carcinogenous]

how many times do i need to die before i deserve something permanent

thoughts the night of

[carcinogenous]

go to sleep baby i don't think my heart is pounding hard enough for you to hear through my ribcage. there is something so sick about counting down the days until i know i can no longer hold you like this inside my center. two years ago i did not think i could pick another boy to unravel next to until you, held me firmly and told me that it would be ok if i closed my eyes and did not blink time could move slower if i did not blink, time could stop if i did not blink, time could let you stay here for infinite eternities

before we sleep

[carcinogenous]

the heart dies of this sweetness

[carcinogenous]

growing up

no one ever tells you about the fall from the precipice. here's what you should know: it is a long fall. a lot of sleepless, empty nights when you try to fill the white space with something that you cannot see. cannot even imagine yet your brain cannot turn off wondering what it is or will be. no one tells you that the fall is scary. here's what you should know: the fall is terrifying and you will probably cry. in the shower, mingling with hot water, under the covers, quietly. on the phone with your parents, behind forced laughter. it is scary because you will, in what feels like two seconds, have everything ripped from under you and be told to float, suspend yourself in gray space. and you will try but you won't know exactly what you're doing and how you're doing it and nothing will make sense--you will just know you want the ground back again. the fall is like that. mostly. you get the concept of the fall, but on a deeper level, you won't. I wish I had something profound to reveal to you, something you'll receive after the fall. But I don't. as of yet, I am still falling, and cannot see the ground.

[carcinogenous]

why does it smell so heavily of weed.

[carcinogenous]

what do you do when the guy your roommate has been dating on and off and on again comes into the kitchen and starts a water stream right into your trashcan, hits your ears as you sit trying not to hear but there are zips and drips too many for it to be him pouring a soda into the trashcan but why would you be pouring soda into a trash can to begin with. frozen like ice i am sitting but i don’t want to be thinking about anything that has to do with water or melting or sliding down tubes either man-made or man made. wanting to vomit but i can’t because something else is in the trashcan now taking my would-be puke’s place if you haven’t gotten it yet: 11:30 pm, victim age 21 sits in front of her computer at the kitchen table revising her poetry for english class when the perpetrator comes in and pops open the garbage receptacle pause– the victim says she heard a distinct unzipping of the pants and then for 10 seconds, a long stream of liquid hitting stuff then drips, then pause, then again, it starts, never-ending, while she sits unable to believe it, praying that it’s just water from a bottle being slowly and torturously poured into garbage and she can’t tear her eyes from the blinking cursor to even check because too many things are happening: what’s happening, why’s this happening and doesn’t he know this apartment has, like, 2 bathrooms? after an indeterminate amount of time she dares to look up and he’s gone his girlfriend says “ew what the fuck” and all the victim can do is look at google docs in disbelief with so much confusion and revulsion because boy, i don't know how your girlfriend lets you do your 5 minute fucks with where that dick  has been.

dear yahoo answers, by Steffanee Wang