don’t let them know

~20 f, bipolar, bpd, ed, addict, 5'6, 100lbs~ tw obviously

[88winchestr]

[careless-and-sad]

real

[zombiegirlfriend2007]

[isais4lanadelrey]

the feminine urge to make boys like you even if you don't like them

[hbizzzle]

[careless-and-sad]

Do you ever just drug yourself so you can fall asleep at 8pm bc you’re tired of being awake because same

[abnormall]

[looprole]

[depressionbound]

It hurts so much when you realize that

everybody talks to you. But nobody cares about you…

everyone needs you. But nobody wants you..

and everyone loves you. But nobody likes you.

That realization just never fails to fucking crush you..

[recaption]

[careless-and-sad]

Um...

Officially at my lowest weight I can remember I’ve been since I was fully grown, plus I got even taller since then. I don’t even know what to do with this information. 16.5 bmi 

[careless-and-sad]

TW weight (low) numbers

For reference with this I am 19yo, cis female, and 5′6

(this is NOT my full story at all but it’s what I’m dealing with atm)

So i guess at my last physical i weight 112lbs which was over a year ago. I must have gained into last spring because i was looking at old videos and I looked kinda chubby? Idk I have never been big but I was like wait was I and didn’t notice? I also wasn’t weighing myself at this time so i have no idea what I was.

But then I looked at my lifesum app (GREAT app by the way) and this summer it said I was 113 yet I look thinner then I did before in the old spring videos. Anyways, I went to the doctor for a physical in September and I was 108lbs. Obviously she was like wtf why’d you lose 5 lbs that you can’t afford to lose and i was confused because i wasn’t even restricting for most of the year especially the summer, I ate what i wanted. Then I realized I was doing a lot of c0ke over the summer which probably affected my weight.

So recently, (ab a month ago) I had a really bad manic episode and was doing recreational Adderall and not sleeping or eating for a week (all due to the drugs and mania not an ed). And that kind of snowballed into getting into the habit of not eating until dinner bc my body was used to running only on caffeine and drugs. I was at around 106lbs by then.

I have not been using those drugs or manic since but my body and brain are still in the habit of only eating dinner. I also started working out a lot and this morning my weight was 103.8 lbs which for my height is getting close to a dangerously low bmi (16.9). Anyways, idk what to do bc it was only about only eating one meal as a competition with myself at first but now the calorie thing started again and I’m doing it on purpose. Genuinely lost, I don’t have an eating disorder but this mindset is stressing me out and I just keep losing weight. I think it’s noticeable at this point as I’m down 10lbs when I was already basically underweight. Anyone have an explanation or advice?

[careless-and-sad]

Weighed myself again 11/24 11:20am I’m down to 102.4lbs i’ve never been losing weight this fast it’s like a pound a day

[gyermey]

Sadness feels both constant, and chaotic

And that’s what makes it so beautifully addicting.

(J)

[careless-and-sad]

No thoughts, just Vienna by Billy Joel

[careless-and-sad]

My concert fit it’s serving legs

[careless-and-sad]

cold hands. bloody lips. collar bones. clear bile. dark circles. prescription drugs. piercing wind. twitching eyes. nicotine meals. broken nails. vodka sodas. DETERIORATING WOMAN

random pairs of words i associate with my life right now idk.

[careless-and-sad]

“I don’t believe in a deep down. I just think you are the things you do”

Or something like that from Bojack. 

There’s no “deep down” I’m just bad and a poison to everyone around me.

[stlowens]

Czesław Miłosz, from “With Her.”