MacGuffin Plot 2: The Repost
About a year ago I wrote up a silly little parody script thingy of your typical Hollywood action movie climaxes here.
And some six weeks ago, I felt the urge to give it life with audio and some video, as seen above, with some minor revisions to the original text, posted below:
[Dramatic epic music with overly busy visuals that tell you nothing]
[Footage of Starcraft 2 within a Starcraft 1 mission briefing screen, because that game's visuals perfectly fit the generic but exaggerated vibe I was going for]
Support (voiced by me)- "Sir, they've activated their MacGuffin!"
Man (voiced by Bear The Wizard)- "Damnit! Quick, activate our Anti-MacGuffin MacGuffin!"
Support - "Sir, we can't, they have a Anti-Anti-MacGuffin MacGuffin, ours has no effect!"
Man - "Damnit! deep sigh Contact the MacMacGuffin Squad, they're our only chance now…"
Support - "Sir, but they're a disgrace! They used the other MacGuffin back in the day without authorization and put millions of li-
Man - "DAMNIT AND THEY WON THE DAY! (fist slam) I know I can't trust them. Blast it all, one of them is my Ex even, but the enemy won't have an Anti-MacMacGuffin Squad MacGuffin, they know we disowned the MacMacGuffin Squad."
Support - "Sir? Um, I have your Ex on the line, she's in charge of the MacMacGuffin Squad nowadays."
Man - "Damnit, of course she is. deeper sigh Fine, patch her through."
Lady (voiced by Tristan Fane)- "Hey there, I'm gonna casually imply that the MacGuffin problem is somehow tied to masculine insecurity, but in a PG-13 kind of way, (smugly) hmm? :D"
Man - "Damnit, this is no time for games! Can you and your MacMacGuffin Squad take out the enemy Anti-Anti-MacGuffin MacGuffin so we can end it with our MacGuffin?"
Lady - "Sure we can, but you have to give us full access to the Secret MacGuffin I happen to know about."
Man - "Damnit! Fine… Give them access - to the Secret MacGuffin!"
Support - "Sir, but what about Protocol! We can't hand over the Secret MacGuffin to some ragtag bunch of scoundrels with a heart of gold! We'd get reprimanded, maybe even have our salaries reduced!"
Man - "DAMNIT, I DON'T CARE! I'm authorizing the Secret MacGuffin. And on top of that, because I know it'll come up later anyway, the Second Secret MacGuffin as well. Don't make me regret this."
Lady - "Oh you know I never have, except that one time in an upcoming flashback that resulted in us getting together, but that's a reveal for later, can't give the female lead proper character development just yet you know. We'll make good use of the Secret MacGuffin and the Second Secret MacGuffin. With my final words, you'll remember about that bottle of champagne you bought for our anniversary, right on the day I went on that other mission that got my squad disowned. Ciao!"
Man - "Damnit, I hate my Ex, but I secretly still love her more than anything. We just gotta hold out until they use the Secret MacGuffin and the Second Secret MacGuffin to destroy the enemy's MacGuffin, their Anti-Anti-MacGuffin MacGuffin, and have a fateful showdown against the Super Secret MacGuffin we don't know about yet."
Support - "Sir, the MacMacGuffin Squad used the Secert MacGuffin, but the enemy deployed their Super Secert MacGuffin and the MacMacGuffin Squad is losing members fast. It's down to your Ex now with the Second Secret MacGuffin. She's on collision course with all the enemy MacGuffin MacGuffins. She's calling you now for the final call (but not really because Deus Ex Machina will save her and you'll be reunited in the end)!"
Man - "Damnit, patch her through!"
Lady - "Hey (dramatic cough) looks like this is it. We had some fun times, shame it never worked out, but hey, the sad dramatic music over an artsy black and white flashback is implying that I'm about to go out in a blaze of glory, even though there's no way I can actually die. Just watch me light the fireworks in this expensive action sequence that really shouldn't last as long as it will."
Man - "Damnit, don't say that. I'm about to stammer out a half-baked I still love you, but the signal is suddenly only way one and all I can do is hear your final words as you selflessly sacrifice yourself to destroy the Super Secret MacGuffin and win us the War. dramatic tear rolls down cheek"
Support - "Sir? She did it. We won the War! No more MacGuffins! Finally, it's over!"
Man - "…damnit, I have to get to her as fast as possible. I'll run to the hangar and hitch a ride on the quirkiest random cool guy pilot still on board, he'll give me some unintentionally perfect life advice and make me rethink how I should be towards everyone from now on. Maybe even to the point where I drop my catchphrase."
Support - "Sir, wait… he's gone now. All we can do is observe the hopeless scene then be shocked by how wholesome it ends up being and have our own little change of perspective on life and duty. That's neat."
Lady - "Hey. Guess I'm still alive. How 'bout that."
Lady - "Oh, what the heck, I'll stop being snarky just this once and respond with a kiss."
[Sudden cut to normal credits sequence that makes another hard cut to jazz music and Monty Python-esque credits text nonsense instead, with the voice actors saying classic action movie one-liners over that]