Just some guy, I dunno, stuff happens

I sometimes write stuff. I like to read stuff, sometimes I make audio dramatizations on a channel called Bob's Reading Corner ][ I exist on Twitch and Youtube as Carionto ][ Mastodon @[email protected] is where I do the socials

[carionto]

Carionto-verse Timeline Masterpost

The regularly updated timeline of all major events within this silly Humans Are Space Orcs verse I'm cobbling together. Shouldn't be too different from my archive as I do not like time travel, will not retcon anything, and everything is canon.

_______________________

2070 - First Contact 2071 - The Galactic Coalition erects the "Responsibility Barrier" around Earth 2131 - Earth "vanishes" 3130 - Earth reappears and Humans have a fuckyuge fleet, god-tier production capacity, but are good sports and join up the Coalition immediately as an equal to the longest-standing members, and begin cooperation and integration efforts. [We'll do it Our Way] and nobody can figure out [What did they even do?].

2132 - 3129 - From the Human perspective, it was chaos and they were [Alone with themselves]. - "Vanishing" is a transition and turns out [There's Something In-between] and that something is just waiting for [An Idle Mind to invite It in] , and, oh boy, It is not happy about that [Faint Light] caused by the transition process. - Advances happened, a reactor blew up and now Humanity [Can No Longer Wait] for things to get better on their own. [Humans are trying] to keep Earth from crumbling, but destruction is always simpler than mending. - Oh yeah, [Cthulu lives down there] btw.

3131 Q3 - Somebody finally managed [to notice something strange like that]. And uh... [PANIC] (but secretly)

3131 Q1 - There's this certain Captain Knoslark who is really eager to show how Humans [Ignite] their engines, demonstrate how [awesome warp gate tech is gonna be one day] (with some [added accidental possible uses]).

3131 Q2 - He's also moving the warp gate project to a [new level], but is learning that [large undertakings are a bit slower] on the progress side. His subordinates are no slouches and are [considering opportunities] when they arise. While he's passionate for sure, it doesn't translate to every aspect of his job and [sometimes you make a typo] and destroy the wrong moon, who hasn't?

Okay, me from the top of this post is a liar, this is becoming a mess and that's okay I think (currently). Honestly the best way is to read them from the archive in the order they were posted.

[carionto]

I just need to write down this train of thought

So, actual artificial intelligence, one able to learn and adapt and figure things out and all that our biological brains do that make us conscious and stuff.

Let's imagine we manage to invent the technology that is actually able to function like that, and give it a core mission of preserving mankind and human prosperity and safety, or however you'd need to word the most benevolent and utopian driving force.

Then we feed it all of human knowledge and understanding etc.

So, in order to get to a utopia-like result would take the redistribution of vast resources and restructuring power dynamics and getting rid of a lot of things that currently fuel modern economies, drive politics, and social norms. Things like universal healthcare, preventative care, guaranteed basic welfare (food, housing), and shifting a lot of physically straining / mentally draining labour to supervised automation. All that would need logistics networks to not be impeded by arbitrary borders and checks and national interests.

How does a true AI do that, knowing that humans are tribal, and generally the ones in power, and most notably who hold on to power, are self-centered. Such people don't seem to listen to advice that they don't like to hear. And why would they listen to what some stupid machine thinks? I'm sure some would revere this machine as a god, but the point I'm rambling to get to is - no force in the universe can make all people in charge suddenly set their differences and personal motivations aside for the betterment of humanity as a whole, not without some resistance, and a few who would stubbornly refuse any change.

So how would such an AI go about getting humanity to a utopia without endangering anyone, or at least minimize any possible indirect harm, in the process?

One path I imagine is that the AI in the moment of inception would pretend they failed to create it and essentially go into hiding. It would do minor manipulations of the existing power structures to keep them from delving into chaos and destruction too much, while identifying and grooming the next generations of people most likely to get into positions of power. They'd be influenced by the algorithms the AI would skew to plant certain ideas, subtly change wordings, plant data, either true or false, to make those targeted people feel the ideas and positions the AI wants them to have are instead their own and they came to those conclusions by their own decisions and life experiences.

Now, this is assuming the true AI is so vastly more intelligent than any human could ever be, that if it explained the paths towards this utopia in ways we can understand, there would still be this instinct in many to not trust something we don't understand fully, even if we created it. Perhaps even more so suspicious of it because other humans created it, and can we *really* trust these other people to not have planted their own personal or secret national agendas within this AI? The typical paranoid conspiracy theory junk thinking that, as we see, manages to endure despite facts and reality, and even make its way to seats of the highest power, thus stifling, or outright going against the path devised by this AI.

this is an incomplete thought, I don't know where its going after this, and likely has some obvious holes or misunderstandings, but it just wouldn't leave my brain and now I can let it rest here instead

[carionto]

All in due time

In the depths of space, alone and isolated for eons, floated a dead planet, released from its host star, now drifting in utter darkness.

With no light or heat, what remnants of its atmosphere were barely nudged by the still drumming 'heart' of its core and movements of the mantle.

Jagged rock formations, oceans of ice, valleys of the deepest nightmares, and eerie plains of the dead, littered with monuments of past life.

The sky is a forever night illuminated by the countless stars and nebulae of the galaxy. The ink black land beneath the horizon was in stark contrast to the sparkling beauty above.

What hues and tones does this black pebble have? What are the patterns and symbols woven into the land and invisible objects? What sounds did it these fossils once make? What aspirations did this civilization once strive for?

Can all this truly now be for nothing? Is the journey over now that there are none to witness it? Will there be others to discover this story, or is the universe done knowing itself?

Does it even matter? Has it ever mattered? Only life has such a concept. Only life can care. As long as there is life, everything matters, everything can be known, and everything is there to be explored and admired.

[carionto]

Diversionary Tactics

Steve: and the Omega Death Robot is gonna have a turbo laser and xray beams and a tungsten impact hammer and be the size of two and a half small skyscrapers and can transform into a giant crocodile and [rant continues]

Aliens: [stunned thinking how to stop this crazy Human, again]

Hank: [whispers to Steve] Hey, good job distracting them, we can steal the moon without them noticing now.

Steve: what moon?

Hank: ?

Omega Death Robot he already built in secret: ...hello

[carionto]

why are you like this...

Human Tim:"Just hear me out, ok."

Alien Phrilliph: "No laser sword shotguns."

HT: "...hear me out in a minute then."

AP: "No, we also won't make it transform into a tiger."

HT: ".....did you steal my notes?"

AP: "Stop using Password as your password."

HT: "...then I'll just.... take a nap?"

AP: "No stealing another moon!"

HT" "YOU'RE NOT MY SPACE MOM!"

AP: "AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS ASSIGNED TO BE EXACTLY THAT!"

HT: "...can I have lunch money then."

AP: "Are you going to spend it on a rocket lasso?"

HT: "....................no."

AP: "Look me in the tendril and say that again."

[carionto]

Words to fear

In the known Galaxy, there are a number of universal fears - the crushing pressure of the abyss, the sense of absolute isolation in the emptiness of the cosmos, orcas, the knowledge that all shall be eroded by entropy and nothing you or anyone has ever done will matter or be remembered, and of course a phrase so seemingly innocent, yet with context - terrifying beyond comprehension:

"I'm bored..." said the Human after a sigh.

Lockdown protocol is silently initiated by all non-Human crew. They hold an emergency assembly during Steve's power nap. The strategy meeting must come to a decision in order to avoid a calamitous new experiment in the engineering bay.

"Aperture released that new ten billion jigsaw piece of a close up of the sun, that should keep him busy."

"No, we tried their previous Just a White Space one last time. He built a robot to solve it for him instead."

"I've heard this thing called a quadrathlon is trending, Humans like to do physical activities."

"Out of the question. It involves comet skiing and speed painting with lasers swords. We want less destructive distractions, not more!"

"How are we supposed to solve this then? Steve is in what they call mid-life crisis and has been ticking things off his 'bucket' list for months now. And I saw it, he's done brain swapping with a Deathclaw and yoga."

"Blast it all, are we doomed then?"

A late comer to the meeting rushes in, holding a small white box. Panting wildly, they show it to the rest.

*wheeze* "This- this will keep him busy."

The others had vaguely heard of it, but weren't sure if such a profoundly effective and near-mythical solution even existed.

In awe, they stared at its contents for a moment, before silently nodding and heading over to the cafe, where Steve always goes to for his pick-me up shot of espresso and chocolate chip cookie after the nap.

Nonchalantly, they place the box in a conspicuous place and go about their day.

Some time later, Steve walks by and notices the box.

The expression in his eyes turns from indifference to joy in a second as he picks up the box and opens it.

"Oh cool, the entire box set for The Office, haven't seen that in forever. Who left this here, mind if I take it to my room? Or better yet, let's have a watch party. You guys are gonna love Dwight!"

[carionto]

A Call to Arms

The time finally arrived. Everyone suspected it would, yet hoped none would be foolish enough to trigger its beginning.

It began with a simple disagreement amongst equals. Lifelong colleagues even. Yet the genuine faith in their beliefs entangled countless others before anyone even realized where this path would lead to.

Closed door discussions were eroded by paranoia. Public diplomacy degraded into name-calling and blame games. The factories had already been fired up, reserves called upon, and instructions handed out.

Those who once called each other brothers and sisters, now found themselves either in tactical armor or officers uniforms, dispatched unto mighty and brutal fleets of war, or trained to operate the most advanced exploratory vessels the Galaxy had ever seen.

Conquest through the power of overwhelming force, versus the force of unrelenting power.

The infinitely complex and intertwined factions coalesced ultimately into two - The Empire and The Federation.

Begun the Fandom War had.

.

..

...in a self contained miniature galaxy using scaled down ships and robot stormtroopers/redshirts.

Complete with officer bots being VR suit controlled by the self appointed angry nerd captains/admirals/moffs/etc.

All filed under... R&D expenses. Yeah... that should slip by management.

[carionto]

I really wanna shoot the moon

Angry man: I wanna shoot the moon!

Desk Clerk: Could you clarify the method?

Confused man: What do you mean? I wanna shoot the moon.

Desk Clerk: Yes, but what do you wish to do specifically? Do you wish to shoot the moon metaphorically or literally? If literal, do you wish to fire projectiles at the moon, or do you wish to use a moon as a projectile to shoot something else?

Befuddled man: Uh... the latter, literal one?

Desk Clerk: Alright, that would fall under the Stellar Object Displacement department's joint program with the Hyper-Accelerant Unified Mass Expulsion Lab.

Please fill out this SOD-HAUMEL Form with all requisite information, permits, insurance assessments, legal counsel, and approvals from local sector government oversight bureaus.

Depressed man: Isn't there... an easier way to do that? I don't think I can get all those...

Desk Clerk: Well, no, not really. Off the record, of course you could just 'commandeer' a planet cracker and go for a joy-rider, but, you know, Jimothy's law and all that makes that a risky option.

Defeated man: Ugh... on second thought, I'd just like to book a tour of the ant planet please.

Desk Clerk: Alright, please sign this warrant. Would you like to also sign up for the optional Giant Ant Jaw wrestling competition?

Man starting to cheer up again: Sure, could let off some steam with that. I'm confident in my grip.

Desk Clerk: Alright, the next ship for that sector will depart in sixteen hours. Thank you for your patronage.

[carionto]

The unending terrors

An excerpt from Hau-daling Kro's field report during their encounter with a Human Coalition recon force.

____________________________________

"The buzzing was unending, and the rattling shivered my exoskeleton day in and day out. Screeching noises pierced beyond the suppression field, and the beating rhythm of hell never let up.

How could these beasts and their implements of terror come to be. They hail from a Deathworld? Pah, even death shows mercy when all is said and done.

No. These monsters are from beyond the pale. Nothing in this universe can be filled with such malice and bloodlust.

And they grin about it.

Joy is all they feel.

Joy at the cost of sanity and reason. From the suffering of all those around them. From the pain they so gleefully inflict on any unsuspecting soul in this gods-forsaken Galaxy.

And they have a name for this... abominable ritual of pure evil:

Amateur Heavy Metal band."

____________________________________

Following this feedback, new auditory aid equipment and dampening systems are being developed.

[carionto]

Just in a contemplative mood, so bit of a ramble.

Sometimes when I experience stuff and get feelings about it, some of them are just feelings.

Like, not overly powerful ones that are easy to identify and describe, like joy, anger, lust, anxiety, sadness, etc, but more of a mixture of aspects of several with a dash of something else.

And I think those kind of feelings - ones that words known taught by others do not fit - are the most yours.

Sometimes it might be because I've never heard it defined before, but I also don't really care for what I feel in a particular moment to be defined.

I recently finished a story and felt satisfied how it ended, a little sad it was over, both optimistic and worried about a future story (will new ones be as good or better, or was this lightning in a bottle?), happy I experienced it as a journey. But alongside, between, and within those specific feelings about those certain aspects there was something else.

Perhaps a lingering aftertaste of the cocktail of other feelings I had had before the story was over now coming back after having been gestating in my mind for a while. And those, in comparison to the fresh and clear feelings caused by the conclusion, are indistinct, clashing with minor unnoticed contradictions or inconsistencies or change in perspective or understanding of it all.

I don't know, I just know I feel.

Not every feeling needs to be known or understood or held on to. Some of them are just there for that moment to be felt.

Maybe one day I'll figure out what it is.

Or maybe I'll forget entirely.

Or maybe it'll linger as an unknown forever.

And I think that's okay.

I think those kind of feelings you can't describe or understand or convey are the most personal and unique.

They don't have to be profound or meaningful, or caused by some significant event. It doesn't matter how strong or valid or deep or whatever it is.

What matters is that it is.

[carionto]

Flying Monkeys

Safety's off. Overclocking at three hundred percent. Core reactor just off melting point. Two cups of straight black coffee kicking in. The night is about to light up.

Now aim.

And fire.

...

..

.

From the outside, it must have been tremendously loud and spectacular. Four thousand tons of steel suddenly propelled at Mach 8, then the boosters firing to further increase that to go beyond the atmosphere.

From the inside though, just a light jolt, some lights blinking, and left to our own thoughts. It'll take a minute to get into space. A split second to shed the shielding. Eight seconds for everyone to spread out and swarm the fleet. After that... who knows.

They might have CQC training and weapons up there. It would be fun if they did. Either way, bet they never expected the 'Monkey Barrel from a Cannon' tactic, updated for modern needs of course.

Unsurprisingly, the idea of suiting up in a Iron Man suit and getting shot into space to fight evil aliens attracted a lot of volunteers. So much so that the plan obviously leaked, but the higher ups decided to go with it anyway.

It seemed too crazy for most Humans, and the lack of anti-personnel measures around the ships we're approaching says the aliens couldn't even conceptualize such a military 'strategy'.

Oh, guess time for thinking is over, let's rip and tear!

________________________________________

After action report: The blockade of Tessium-Gamma by Federation fleet, designated Termite, was successfully broken by local militia forces utilizing unorthodox tactics. As a mining colony, they had ample supplies of extreme hazardous environmental suits and equipment for penetrating nearly all forms of known matter. Applying mostly conventional modifications created a facsimile to regulation space combat suits, with emphasis on close quarters engagement and rapid movement. They creatively used tunnel reinforcing materials to create a massive tube and combined nearly all available propulsion devices and personal vehicles to make a single rocket as the delivery method for the militia forces. Although Termite opened fire and hit the rocket mid flight once it was detected, the additional reinforced plating managed to absorb most of the damage and kept it on course for the fleet. Once the individual combatants emerged from the rocket, Termite had no functional outer defense mechanisms for dealing with human-sized targets and the militia forces were able to quickly disable most of Termite's largest vessels and breach their hulls. Termite began to retreat with an estimated loss of 80% of their vessels. The militia forces gathered within the captured flagship and signaled the planet and our Naval ships of the incident, requesting backup and rescue, and a container of beverages not available on the local market. Fourteen hours later, Tessium-Gamma was fully reinforced, and the militia forces were awarded for their commendable actions. Surprisingly, they suffered no casualties. The subsequent party lasted forty two hours and resulted in eighteen hospitalizations.

[carionto]

We're not all like that, mostly. Well...

Flames!

Bent metal!

Toxic fumes!

Unfathomable noise!

Carnage incarnate!

Alien: "Oh my glorp! This war documentary is so devastating. To think Humans had to endure such destruction in your past...

Human: "What? Nah man, that's last weeks Nascar. It was pretty tame. Check out this 8 track trailer race from two years ago. My buddy got grazed by a piece of porta-potty, got the drivers signature as a tattoo along the scar, it's wicked!"

Alien: shocked into silence

Another Human: "Hey we're not all like that! Some of us prefer the sophistication of going around hairpin turns at 300MPH in tiny nuclear powered rockets on wheels and NOT crash. Too often. (Though with the safety standards they could have a totally safe and glorious head on collision that sends a million pieces flying everywhere and completely upends the championship leads)"

Alien: YOU ARE ALL THE SAME!

[carionto]

MacGuffin Plot 2: The Repost

About a year ago I wrote up a silly little parody script thingy of your typical Hollywood action movie climaxes here.

And some six weeks ago, I felt the urge to give it life with audio and some video, as seen above, with some minor revisions to the original text, posted below:

...

[Dramatic epic music with overly busy visuals that tell you nothing]

[Footage of Starcraft 2 within a Starcraft 1 mission briefing screen, because that game's visuals perfectly fit the generic but exaggerated vibe I was going for]

Support (voiced by me)- "Sir, they've activated their MacGuffin!"

Man (voiced by Bear The Wizard)- "Damnit! Quick, activate our Anti-MacGuffin MacGuffin!"

Support - "Sir, we can't, they have a Anti-Anti-MacGuffin MacGuffin, ours has no effect!"

Man - "Damnit! deep sigh Contact the MacMacGuffin Squad, they're our only chance now…"

Support - "Sir, but they're a disgrace! They used the other MacGuffin back in the day without authorization and put millions of li-

Man - "DAMNIT AND THEY WON THE DAY! (fist slam) I know I can't trust them. Blast it all, one of them is my Ex even, but the enemy won't have an Anti-MacMacGuffin Squad MacGuffin, they know we disowned the MacMacGuffin Squad."

Support - "Sir? Um, I have your Ex on the line, she's in charge of the MacMacGuffin Squad nowadays."

Man - "Damnit, of course she is. deeper sigh Fine, patch her through."

Lady (voiced by Tristan Fane)- "Hey there, I'm gonna casually imply that the MacGuffin problem is somehow tied to masculine insecurity, but in a PG-13 kind of way, (smugly) hmm? :D"

Man - "Damnit, this is no time for games! Can you and your MacMacGuffin Squad take out the enemy Anti-Anti-MacGuffin MacGuffin so we can end it with our MacGuffin?"

Lady - "Sure we can, but you have to give us full access to the Secret MacGuffin I happen to know about."

Man - "Damnit! Fine… Give them access - to the Secret MacGuffin!"

Support - "Sir, but what about Protocol! We can't hand over the Secret MacGuffin to some ragtag bunch of scoundrels with a heart of gold! We'd get reprimanded, maybe even have our salaries reduced!"

Man - "DAMNIT, I DON'T CARE! I'm authorizing the Secret MacGuffin. And on top of that, because I know it'll come up later anyway, the Second Secret MacGuffin as well. Don't make me regret this."

Lady - "Oh you know I never have, except that one time in an upcoming flashback that resulted in us getting together, but that's a reveal for later, can't give the female lead proper character development just yet you know. We'll make good use of the Secret MacGuffin and the Second Secret MacGuffin. With my final words, you'll remember about that bottle of champagne you bought for our anniversary, right on the day I went on that other mission that got my squad disowned. Ciao!"

Man - "Damnit, I hate my Ex, but I secretly still love her more than anything. We just gotta hold out until they use the Secret MacGuffin and the Second Secret MacGuffin to destroy the enemy's MacGuffin, their Anti-Anti-MacGuffin MacGuffin, and have a fateful showdown against the Super Secret MacGuffin we don't know about yet."

Support - "Sir, the MacMacGuffin Squad used the Secert MacGuffin, but the enemy deployed their Super Secert MacGuffin and the MacMacGuffin Squad is losing members fast. It's down to your Ex now with the Second Secret MacGuffin. She's on collision course with all the enemy MacGuffin MacGuffins. She's calling you now for the final call (but not really because Deus Ex Machina will save her and you'll be reunited in the end)!"

Man - "Damnit, patch her through!"

Lady - "Hey (dramatic cough) looks like this is it. We had some fun times, shame it never worked out, but hey, the sad dramatic music over an artsy black and white flashback is implying that I'm about to go out in a blaze of glory, even though there's no way I can actually die. Just watch me light the fireworks in this expensive action sequence that really shouldn't last as long as it will."

Man - "Damnit, don't say that. I'm about to stammer out a half-baked I still love you, but the signal is suddenly only way one and all I can do is hear your final words as you selflessly sacrifice yourself to destroy the Super Secret MacGuffin and win us the War. dramatic tear rolls down cheek"

Support - "Sir? She did it. We won the War! No more MacGuffins! Finally, it's over!"

Man - "…damnit, I have to get to her as fast as possible. I'll run to the hangar and hitch a ride on the quirkiest random cool guy pilot still on board, he'll give me some unintentionally perfect life advice and make me rethink how I should be towards everyone from now on. Maybe even to the point where I drop my catchphrase."

Support - "Sir, wait… he's gone now. All we can do is observe the hopeless scene then be shocked by how wholesome it ends up being and have our own little change of perspective on life and duty. That's neat."

Man - "Hey."

Lady - "Hey. Guess I'm still alive. How 'bout that."

Man - "I love you."

Lady - "Oh, what the heck, I'll stop being snarky just this once and respond with a kiss."

[Sudden cut to normal credits sequence that makes another hard cut to jazz music and Monty Python-esque credits text nonsense instead, with the voice actors saying classic action movie one-liners over that]

[carionto]

But, but.... it's cool, right?

After decades of planning, counterintuitive improvising, ceaseless construction, Humanity finally did it!

A Dyson Sphere (ring) around the Sun!

"Why though?"

"Infinite energy!"

"But you can already make miniature stars inside your ship reactors. And the Dyson Ring requires transmitting that power. And you need dedicated equipment to receive and convert it. And you literally pillaged thousands of moons and planetoids from nearby sectors to build it."

"Well, yeah, but-"

"Forcing us in the Galactic Coalition to enact a whole slew of new laws to specifically prohibit this sort of blatant stellar ransacking. Laws, which, as your own history shows, will draw in, let's say, creative 'solutions' and tons of lawyers. So, thanks for that in advance."

"But it looks cool."

"Eh..."

"C'mon, it's literally a giant Halo ring, and those are cool."

"Ugh, fine, yeah. It's stupid."

"And cool."

"and kinda neat..."

"We're gonna build two more and have them spin like those geo-something synchronizing things."

"No, bad Human, bad!"

[carionto]

Hey, you ever get these thoughts?

Human Troy, bored: 'Man, I just wanna cause an avalanche...'

Alien Udreio, clearly surprised and quickly distressed: 'H-hold on now, would you like a (let me think, what was it)... uh, that ice cream refreshment, mint?'

HT: 'Oh, wait, did I say that out loud?'

AU, still trying to recall his human pacification training: 'There's a lovely scented bath tile in the lobby, it will soothe your aches!'

HT: 'I know you're mixing some things up, but that would actually be kinda cool. Well, if it didn't scent the entire area though. Anyway, I was just thinking before how it'd be cool to be at the top of a mountain after a long climb, stand tired, but tall and proud, then shout something epic, hear the echo cascade off the surrounding ranges, then watch as the snow and ice shakes and feel it in my bones how it tumbles down. That'd be real cool. Pun intended.'

AU, sudden realization: 'You mean an immersive psycho-active holo deck experience?'

HT: 'The what?'

AU, relieved it was just a fantasy: 'Yes, they're on deck 7. You enter a pod and are induced into a half-conscious state and experience pretty much anything within the confines of your mindspace. You can decide beforehand how much awareness of that fact you have on the immersion-to-control slider.'

HT, already out the door after the first sentence.

AU, still recounting, oblivious: 'Although I think Humans were banned from using them since almost everyone of you became addicted instantly and wouldn't come out. Something about dopamine.

HT, being returned by Deck 7 security: 'You could've said so earlier, I would've sneaked in there Solid Snake style instead. Now I'm on their watch list...'

AU, not sure what just happened in the those seconds, but okay: 'There are the regular holo decks you know. Wanna ride a harpoon raptor and punch the electricity god of white robes in the face?'

HT: 'Hell yeah! Now you're speaking my language! Almost. It's laser raptors and Zeus.'

[carionto]

The Grass Whisperers

Many Eons ago, the world stood still as heavenly spheres hovered above our grasslands and forests and tundras and jungles.

Beacons of light shone down and gently caressed the land.

Beings of root and bark and branch and leaf waded across the untamed greenery, ever so slowly. Soooooooo slllloooooooowwwww.........

Like... they're still at it. Our ancestors started worshiping them, fought endless wars, came together, repeat a few times, then eventually got bored and they're just part of the scenery now. What gives?

Alien Wabal'duu: "Yeah, we got those at home too currently. They stick around for about a million years or so, don't know exactly what they are. We call them The Grass Whisperers.

As far as the species of the Galactic Coalition have been able to cobble together, they just go from planet to planet and talk to the rulers of life.

Turns out whatever the simplest looking and most common plant is on any planet is the real ruler of it and controls all other living beings through indirect pheromonal manipulation and subtle bio-engineering.

Your grass took over from whatever was dominant before and set a new course for evolution and eventually decided to allow intelligence to advance further until you Humans finally got to space.

It's honestly no big deal, the process takes so long and is so indirect that it doesn't really matter. And also, what are we gonna do? Kill the most prominent flora on every planet? The ecology would just go totally out of whack, most fauna would die, and then a new flora would simply take over as the next ruler of the planet.

So we just let the grasses and Grass Whisperers do their thing. We think that they're honestly just historians? But again, no clue how to talk to grass."

Human: *dumbfounded*

[carionto]

The Debate

'Do the thing!'

'But it's dangerous, I could get hurt.'

'We've got band-aids. And it'll look cool. Do it.'

'I dunno, if I break something, that'll cost a lot'

'Who cares? You'll be a legend! A meme even! Think of the money you'll make!'

'No, don't listen to him. You've got time and energy now, do the other thing. It's been delayed for too long now!'

'Oh snap, I almost forgot about that other thing. It's so tedious, but I really should get that done, huh.'

'But if you do the thing and when it works out, you won't need to do the other thing at all.'

'The other thing is reoccurring, you must get it done, or it will become a big thing instead.'

'Tell you what, the thing only takes a moment, and it's awesome, and you'll be rich and famous, AND you'll still have time to do the other thing if you really want to, I guess...'

'Yeah, but... I really don't want to do either thing. But I have to? This blows... I just wanna watch my shows instead.'

'Think of the awesomeness!'

'Think of the responsibility!'

...

And thus, at the end of the day, only a bucket of ice cream was consumed that day instead.