There’s no amount of text or ideas that could justify the things I’m doing with my life right now better than the words “self-satisfaction/realization”.
In the eyes of many I may be wrecking my “professional and adult life”. In my eyes, I’m just doing what I have to do to keep myself sane. I’m doing what I want, I’m moving at my own pace. And I have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by people (specially family) that have been able to help me economically ( Yes, I do consider myself to be very privileged, although in a couple of months this may no longer be the case.) while I’m struggling to become the person I want to be.
This brings us to the questions:
Who does he want to be: An independent self sustaining being, a man that is able to create work (mainly videogames) that he and other people consider valuable, a man with enough freedom to move, to travel and get to know the world, and to be able to spend more than enough time with the people he loves. I’m not talking about going out to eat lunch with the wife, or watching movies or buying stuff together with friends, or even going on sundays to family reunions, I mean to really have the time to listen to them, to understand their motivations, their problems, having the energy to actively help them, to get involved with them, to really be with them.
Who is he right now? I’m a 29 year old unnemployed (by own decision) International Business Graduate with a determined intention of learning to design games. I study game design from home, with free and/or cheap resources. At the same time I’m trying to create a commercial project involving videogames and traditional mexican handcrafts. Luckily I do already have more than enough time to get involved, at the same kind of level I talk about in the last paragaph, with the people I care about. I have been able to enjoy and help my family and my life partner in a way I had never been able to, which is deeply satisfactory.
*I realize I’m much more than my professional persona, but still, it’s a big important part of a whole and will be one of the focus points on this blog.*
It’s a fact that there has been a great deal of “Identity Loss and Search ” as a recurring theme in my life. From what I can remember I have been through wanting to be a singer (probably inspired by my father), a cool paleontologist (just like Dr. Alan Grant in Jurassic Park), a super rich and adventurous mafia crime leader (like Tommy Vercetti), a music composer (again inspired by my father), an International Business man, a Videogame Marketer, and an itinerant Videogame Creator.
That doesn’t mean I have never had a clear idea of what kind of person (professionally speaking) I want to be in life. It just means, that when I’m getting there I realize I don’t want to be that person anymore. I either get bored really easy, or get turned off by the kind of (what I perceive to be) amoral decisions needed to do to adjust to that kind of life.
Well, seeing how this has happened at least 8 times in my life I do need to make sure this is the last one, I mean you have to stop and really decide at one point right? 8ths the charm or so they say, right? No? No...ok.. And it sure does look like it is, although I am still studying and preparing myself, theres this kind of feeling that I have never felt before when working on something. The feeling that this thing I’m working towards is mine, that sensation of really being able to express myself, the feeling of fun and discovery, and the uncompromised and genuine interest in the activity of creation.
This is supposed to be a kind of diary in which I sort of write about my experiences in going from being an International Business and MKT person to a Design/Programming/Videogame person and also I will post some other projects that have been slowly coming up. A journey that will either end up with me being triumphant or me being dead (I say this jokingly but who knows).
But do be aware, if you are in some way involved in game development the stuff I will post may sound too noobish, stupid or pointless.. Remember this, I’m a simple ex-marketing guy who didn’t like marketing, and is now learning to design games , all self taught, all from home, all from 0 to 1000.
It’s really easy to visualize the kind of person you want to be, the kind of work you want to do, the kind of economic life and social circles you would like to be part of without taking into account the trade offs. What you imagine about certain styles of life is rarely matched by reality. There are always these secrets, the sometimes shameful mysteries that other people don’t tend to share, the ridiculous and kind of depressing sacrifices they had to make to get where they are or just to survive. I’m slowly discovering the ones regarding game creation and for the first time in my life I’m willing to say: I’m up for it.
Probably my next post will be constructed around this theme, but referring to my videogame mkt career...because why the hell would I just decide to get out of Konami D.E.?
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