The further you go, the better your endurance

[carolinevandercruyssen]

I miss Anny today, and everyday. I am still grieving. But, bringing back the memories hurt less and less. I am able to think of her, and still smile. I am able to speak of her without breaking down. Anny, Julien, and Marijke made me feel like a child; safe to explore, to be myself. I had no need to grow up so fast. Saying goodbye hurt, each and every time. Losing Anny, I had Emily to hold onto. Emily was there to hug me through the most difficult time in my life. I had someone to go to turn to, to feel safe with. Even though it was just one night after landing from Belgium, this became my home. My safety. I felt safe. In many respects I have Isabelle to thank for sharing her daughter with me. 

[carolinevandercruyssen]

ENG: Video

http://www.ted.com/talks/john_mcwhorter_txtng_is_killing_language_jk?language=en

[carolinevandercruyssen]

Day 2, morning:

My very first "I don't know"; I am not to blame. My second "I don't know"; this one is on me. I am held reliable and responsible on each and every account after the first.

Mantra: What I do not know can be learned. If not yesterday, today.

[carolinevandercruyssen]

Day 1: Detach myself emotionally from my work, studies, and contracts. I must define my role and create boundaries to fulfil my role to the best of my ability.

* There is a difference between discipline and motivation. Motivation comes and goes, both in waves of ups and downs; whereas, discipline is a daily practice. You develop a muscle that taps into your mental strength.

** Charm vs. hard-work. There are some who can charm their way into self-benefitting situations. However there are certain things charm never can do, and at those times internalized understandings and discipline are called to take the stand. Charm can never get you an objective feedback. Charm can never get you to question your shortcomings. Charm can never get the job done. Charm can never be a definite evaluation. Charm, my friend, is an illusion.

[carolinevandercruyssen]

Indifference. Would it make me a devil to wish “indifference” upon me? To not care. I often wonder what triggers the switch of passion; that very thing that pushes to act, to do something, to do anything. I say things, because I care. I look for things, because I care. I sacrifice, because I care. I get hurt, because I care. I get pushed aside, because I care. I am sensitive, because I care. I am diligent, because I care. I am patient, because I care. Oh man, oh man, it’s not easy. It’s scary. It’s unstable. It’s uncertain. It’s mysterious. It’s uncomfortable. 

Nonetheless, I guess caring is ok. Only for certain things. Only for certain places. Only for certain people. 

How can I care in a fulfilling way?

I can care about my studies, something that I have control over and something I can direct. I can care about my health: mind, body, and soul. I can care about my work: tutoring sessions. I can care about my work at the CIE. I can care about my work with Andreas Motsch. I can care about my LSATs. I can care about the research that I do. I can care about my writing. My reading material. What I am exposed to. All these things are important, because I value them. 

[carolinevandercruyssen]

Een beetje in het nederlands

Ik zou graag vaker in andere talen schrijven en lezen. De voorbeeld dat Emily krijgt thuis en de moeilijkheden die ze moet mee maken hebben een directe impact op mij. Ik heb de kennis van vier talen en ik zag niet het rijkdom ervan. Iedereen zij altijd hoe speciaalse ik was omdat ik meerdere talen kon, maar dat was heel normaal voor me. Heel normaal. En mijn omstandigheden hebben mij een heel wereld geopened. Ik heb zo veel geluk, xoxox. 

[carolinevandercruyssen]

Are you kidding me. I never felt this way. The feeling of being absolutely, entirely - in love with my project. The Love Project has been one of my favourite things to do with my passtime. I love taking photos of people, hearing their stories, and writing a concise and honest reflection of their words. It is so important to learn the fundamentals of life, the fundamentals of love. The universal language that we all speak. And as I was spending my hours in class, speaking of french literature. I tried to listen to the professor, to participate, to give insight, to be present. But all I could think about was what could be of “The Love Project”. I was thinking of making The Love Project a brand featured in organic and vegan clothing. The Love and Peace movement. I was thinking I could introduce it at health shops and baking shops; maybe even at fundraising events,... I could create a business card that promotes the brand. 

The only reason I would like to promote it so aggressively is because I think it’s an important message for people to incorporate into their everyday lives. That all judgement and criticism be forgotten once put in front of another human being. A person who also knows how to love, to forgive, to care, to share, ... 

Things that need to be done: 

1. Business Cards April 7th

2. Create a Website / Email April 14th

3. Create a teaching plan -> Coaching Program May 1st

I am first and foremost an entrepreneur. I like the risk of uncertainty. I like the thrill of working everyday as if it were a distinctive day filled with endless possibilities. Of meeting people, of hearing different stories, ... I am free, unleashed, uninhibited. Wonderful. 

This life as long as I am healthy: mind, body, and soul - it is my responsibility to make it the very best life it possibly can be. Whether it be in my academic pursuits, I must work hard. Whether it be in my personal development pursuits, I must work hard. Whether it be in my business, I must work hard. 

[carolinevandercruyssen]

Another Day

I had a really bad encounter with one of my classmates. I try my best not to judge and to keep my opinions to myself, however when you are encountered with someone loud, obnoxious, full-of-themselves, imposing, rude, and abusive then why would you want to spend more time with him/her. So, it’s kind of cool that I realized I did not ever have to spend any time with a this person, ever again - because I chose not to. After going to the Royal Ontario Conservatory, I met with Sofijya and we went out with her three friends. We did what most college students do, bar hopping. We went from one bar to another, to another and then we had a good time chit chatting away. 

[carolinevandercruyssen]

Emily’s love definition

"Emily what is love to you?". "Adult love or kids love". "Both". "Then, I cannot answer that" "Ok, well kids love" "When you have a crush on someone and you can't tell them" "Oh, ok. Do you love me?" "Yes, but with you, it's a different love. The one you can tell the person". "What's the difference between the two?" "I don't know, I think the love you can't speak about is because you don't trust them, yet. Like I don't know if the person loves me back. But the one I feel with you, makes me happy!!! I know you love me too. So to you I can say, I love you".

[carolinevandercruyssen]

Just a day

Everyday I am supposed to write a little bit about my experience, just to keep track of what has been going on. That’s hard for me, because I am a visionary - I look into the future and I like to see what is “possible”. I like diving into that “uncertainty” to see whether that impossible will finally be possible. 

Yesterday, on my way to school and during school and after school and when I go to bed and when I wake up I am absolutely obsessed with my new endeavour with the Love Project. I wonder who will I meet next, what is the next story, how will I make this something worthy of being read. I know I live for this.

I met Allan yesterday. He is a 62 year old man from Sri Lanka. He stands at one of those Gateway Stands everyday at 5 am to support himself and his family in asia. He works day in and day out. Somedays he makes nothing, but he says that’s ok, because this is the choice he made. And he is happy afterall these years.

I saw Tamara who came up to me and said, “hey caroline, I wore a ‘Love’ shirt today. Look!” I was so so so happy!

And I met two “sales” people who tried to lure me into buying something I didn’t want nor need. I resisted and didn’t give in. However I learned. I learned. I learned. 

I also received a free massage, which felt amazing -- at SMC study room. Cristina was so kind to let me have one as an employee. 

Oh and I stopped at Scout and Cash and Mike the owner remembered me. ANd I walked into lovely Layla-Lu the one and only famous 15 year old singer. Her story is for another time. She’s amazing!!!

I met a man named Boileau -- he said he can predict the future and the universe. I thought there was something off, but he was so so so nice. It’s all so strange, he was so nice and in a strange way I had my utmost love for him. 

I met Luis from Portugal. A construction worker but such an amazing healthnut guru. He too was so generous with his time and knowledge. Ah! 

And on my way home I dived into the Alchemist and realized that even though I fill my life with these wonderful people, I miss my Godmother. So very much :(. 

[carolinevandercruyssen]

Gratitude

Grateful: I am grateful that I am a student at the University of Toronto. That I have met and I am surrounded by wonderful people, who support my endeavours. I am thankful for all that my life has turned out to be. The chain of events has led me exactly where I am, right here right now. I live a life where my friends are successful in their very own way. I am lucky, purely lucky. Even though I miss my godmother, I am so lucky to have known her the way I do. She has changed me, even more precisely, she has shaped me. I am forever thankful for the emotional platform that #TheLoveProject brought me to. 

On my mind: School work. My mom. ..

If one dream can come true what would it be: For The Love Project to guide my life, and to finally publish some work. 

[carolinevandercruyssen]

Love Project USA

The Love Project in action from the United States. When I met Brandon Tranat the age 7 we played tag, believed in "cooties", and stated the Pledge Allegiance before class. Today he shares his definition of love:

"Love of our Family. Love of our God. Love of our Country. Love to me, at this point in time of my life, goes to our country. I love those who came before us, who shed blood, sweat and tears to establish the United States of America -- that we know today. I love having the privilege of serving our country. I love proudly wearing our uniform -- day in and day out. Above all, I love everything that the US of A stands for". ‪#‎TheLoveProject‬

— met

Brandon Tran

[carolinevandercruyssen]

Henry, this little charmer full of life purchased a cup of hot chocolate and loads of whipped cream. 

“Oh, wouldn’t that make you hyper”. I gently said. 

“Oh no, don’t judge”. 

“Ok.”

“By the way, It’s ok that you made that remark. You just cared, and that is sweet of you. So, thank you. You know, kind of like my mom she says things like that. It’s because she’s known me my whole life and I know she just loves me. But then again, you have also those people you’re attracted to and I also love them, just for a short period of time. But, I love them - even if it’s not forever”. 

[carolinevandercruyssen]

I met Ken on my way to school. The first thing he said to me was, “Hey kid, let me get out of your way. Keep those cigarettes far from you. I am telling you 22 years of smoking, all because of a pretty girl”. I responded, “Was it worth it?”. He said, “Sometimes. I had to go for it -- to learn. I am no longer with the woman but she taught me what love was and what it was not. It’s unfortunate most people have the definition twisted. They keep asking themselves, what is in it for them. It’s always about gaining, gaining, gaining. Let’s just turn it upside down and ask ourselves what can we give?” 

[carolinevandercruyssen]

Missing you.

Today especially, I miss you. The words you would whisper in my ears. The touch you would kindly give me. The way you looked at me, like you looked at no other. The days I took for granted, knowing that your time was eternally generous towards me. I was wrong - to think that everything lasts forever. It doesn’t. Yesterday, I took a pause. I didn’t realize that the stagnation in my academics has a lot to do with how hurt I still am inside - missing you, every piece of you. Especially the scent that came with your hugs. 

It all hurts all too much to dwell in that time we used to be together. I wonder, will we ever, reunite? I sure do hope so...

Rest in peace, love. May you be happy. May you be at peace. May you be loved. xoxo 

Signed,

Your little one.

[carolinevandercruyssen]

The past is the past

This morning I read a diary I wrote in grade 11. I cannot recognize myself in the journal any longer... The girl who wrote those words was so sad, afraid, hopeless, anxious, and full of self-hatred. Readings those words, I would be incredibly worried about her. Her self-esteem was very low and her primary concern was to be thin. Not thin, to fit a trend - but because she thought it would help her attract more attention, more love. She felt empty and hurt by the trauma of leaving Belgium, home. 

It’s worrisome to see how my thoughts were, they really did create me. It is scary to even read these diaries, in fear of being plunged back into that mindset. But, now I realize I am no where near that girl. I’ve become much kinder with myself and I’ve learned to attract the purest and kindest love around me. I negate what hurts me, and what leaves me raw, vulnerable, hurt. Isn’t it up to us to standup for ourselves. It’s too bad that that teenage girl didn’t have someone to be 100% honest or to confabulate day-to-day life with. To think of the past is wishful thinking. To not have had what I wanted in the past does not mean I was unworthy, it just means that I was not as lucky. But hey, maybe that will make up for the luck today. 

Those were dark days, hiding away in my room - upset at the world for not noticing the pain and the hurt I was going through. Upset at the world for the lack of trust, loyalty, and love. So upset, so angry, so hurt. And if there was one thing I wish I had known was that this resentment and turmoil could not have been “fixed” by a magical outside source. The truth is its within, within, within. And that is the source of true companionship and loyalty and self-kindness. That in itself is personal power! 

oxoxxoxo

[carolinevandercruyssen]

Gratitude

Gratitude: 

I am thankful to waking up to a beautiful environment. Waking up, to just me and no one else to worry about. I am thankful for the delicious coffee slowly waking my soul and bringing me closer to clarity of thought. I am thankful for my friend Jenny who knows the good and the bad about me, yet still accepting of who I am. So grateful that the weather is wonderful, out there. The sky is clear, the sun is shining - all is well. Forever grateful for my journey and my background, my journey. I am thankful for all the love my family has given me. I am thankful for the hurdles I was obliged to overcome, it has tested my strength of character like never before. In the midst of all uncertainty, I am thankful that I never lost faith in a bright future. I am grateful for the soft sounds of music in my ears as I am typing away. I am thankful for the drama-free life. I am thankful for the rootedness, groundedness, softness. I am thankful for prioritizing my healing. Ah, ZEN. It will all be ok. 

What’s on my mind: 

I wonder how Julien is doing. My assignments are on my mind. One more week of school. My choors. Coldness in my room. I want to go out to a bar and have a good time. I want to explore and discover the world. 

If I can achieve one dream, how would I feel and what would it be:

I would be published. I would have my writing in a composition of a journal or so. But I met several of published authors and they aren’t that successful, which makes me wonder if that would be my destiny if I choose a path of “low paid” jobs. Anyways, I am still a go for law school - I think that’s really what I want to do. :)