okay, so. here’s the thing.
when i was in middle school, the stem program i was in required us to do science fair as part of the curriculum. a pretty decent handful of us made it all the way to the tricounty regional fair, which was as high as we could go in the junior division. and one of the things i had to learn to win at science fair was a good business handshake to greet the judges with - something not too soft but not too firm, nice and crisp and decisive. i practiced this handshake with my dad until he deemed it Just Right, and off to the science fair i went with my newly calibrated Perfect Business Handshake at the ripe old age of twelve.
(this continued to serve me well in various other contexts, and i treasure every instance of watching someone visibly double-take over the fact that i - a squishy-looking 5′1 teenage girl - had casually deployed a Perfect Business Handshake.)
this all changed when i started doing construction work.
men who do construction work take firm handshakes to the next goddamn level. construction worker handshakes are a check to both parties’ professional pride, establishing to each other that they have the calluses and forearm muscles appropriate to their station. construction worker handshakes are ‘we are both using the other person’s hand as a grip strength checker’ handshakes. construction worker handshakes are like bricks.
(source: the many, MANY handshakes i’ve experienced at the union hall. carpenters local 197 represent.)
most importantly, however, construction worker handshakes would have eaten my perfect business handshake for breakfast. i had to up my game, so i recalibrated to match the standing expectation of ‘the right amount of firmness is the maximum grip output you are capable of.’ which was all well and good for a while, because the only people i was handshaking were other construction workers! i got a couple considering nods out of this! life is going swimmingly!
… except then one day my dad, an accountant, gets an assistant to help at his home office. a very skinny and desk-work-inclined assistant, to whom i am summarily introduced.
“this is jay, he’s going to be helping me out this tax season,“ dad says. “jay, this is kelly.“
i say “hi, nice to meet you,” and reach forwards for a handshake.
now, the thing you have to keep in mind is that i’d just come home from a long day at work. i am very tired, i am operating on pure autopilot, and my handshake has been calibrated for construction worker grip strength for the last year and a half. absolutely nowhere in my mind is the concept that perhaps a CPA’s assistant might not be expecting that. nowhere in my mind is the thought that perhaps i should dredge up my old business handshake for the current situation. but it really should have been, because you know what happened next?
he puts his hand in mine, and i crush it like a soda can.
annaxmalina
dailybridgerton
romaincrisis
dededos
vaporwave
turnnoffyourmind
