Casey Fritz @caseyjfritz - Tumblr Blog

Things seem better these days. Been through many women, none of them anything worth settling down for yet. Through my EMDR, I have completely lost all negative feelings about the upcoming divorce, I feel no sadness. It wasn’t time wasted, it was an adventure I was just on and the ride ended, onto the next ride in the circus of life. What I am learning on now is too be present, not living in the past or looking to the future...be in the now. My whole life I wasn’t able to do that...it caused me not not “see” Natalie or even myself. I am beginning to see everything now because I’m here right now.

There isn’t much I want anymore, I think being without a family or purpose is making me feel like there is no reason to live. I’m not sure I want to die, but I’m getting close to being sure.

I’ve always had issues with sex but not masturbation. This is called “delayed ejaculation” and it effects about 11% of men, which is quite large an amount actually. The reasons are numerous but none have to do with not being attracted to the other. It can be caused by medication, anxiety about sex, the vagina being too different from the hand to do it, stress or depression as well as many more reasons. I believe mine is a medication issue. It’s pretty sad to me that I can’t really enjoy sex that much, but I’d rather be not crazy but non sexual than crazy but have good sex.

Basically Nat is moving forward, and I’m stuck reflecting. I really do want to be friends with her and I don’t want to make a mistake in that like I do everything else, not everything but most. I just don’t have a life, that’s why I think so much about a failed marriage. I just have my parents who frustrate me to no end, and when your 40 people don’t want to talk to you as much. I have nobody to talk to I feel horrible and lonely. I talk to some people when I work out and work, but not much. I’m trying hard to be confident but it’s hard taking a step forward without looking back. For every forward step I take, I go two back. I’m in quicksand. But someday I’ll be better. I’m just sad that I felt I had a purpose when I was married like that was it, I’m content now. But now I feel aimless and I’m 40 and have nobody but myself and comic books and it’s sad. Like trump SAD. I’m going to try and keep my chin up though, at least I’m not 41 right? No damn it I’m 40 so it’s all good

Proposal

I found the first post on Facebook where I proposed to Nat on March 16th, 2009. I’m glad I know that day.

Title

I wish to see how being friends with Nat will go, it’s better than not keeping in touch. You never know how things will blossom or whatever direction anything will go in life, so I’m going to just go with the flow on it. As pertaining to the last post, working on myself is my number one priority and my confidence is growing stronger by the day. I can feel how different Nat has changed in just a few months, as well as me, and maybe that’s a good thing. The truest thing I know is that if I make peace with the fact that life is chaos and will probably not go in the direction you want it to no matter how hard you try to control it, you’ll be more at peace. Just go with the flow man. Be like The Dude. Relax and ride the wave.

Marriage

After months of being apart I finally understand myself and everything that went wrong. I’m fixing myself now as we speak. I’ve tried dating, and even for some that wanted a second date..I just didn’t want to. I keep thinking I do but I don’t. Admittedly I’d take my wife back. Here’s what I discovered, and me and my therapist are making breakthroughs and I’m changing to my old self.

Delayed ejaculation: so it’s a real problem some people have even though they can cum when masturbating easily. I have this apparently. But there are medications for it.

Control: I am a control freak and did not realize it until after separation. Criticizing the other is part of it, because control freaks want to control everything. But I’m aware of it and letting it go. It’s hard but I’m doing it.

Self esteem: part of the reason for not wanting sex and the control part of me getting worse was about 3 years of a domino effect of tragedy in family and other things. It fucked up my ambition, I became lazy, I lost attention for my wife, I became very out of shape. I didn’t even want to go to a job.

Wanting: I always wanted what was on the other side: hence flirting with other girls and such. That’s part of the fact that I tend to take things for granted very fast.

I’m changing myself in all of these traits. Already working out and working, and I’m changing my mind to a new one that is letting go of these problems. It’s working, I’m coming back world.

I don’t use this much, but you strangers out there might comment maybe for advice or something. Personal friends or people from the past can’t see it, I wouldn’t want them to.

Well, it was really hard at first separating because I loved my wife and it was for 9 years. I was not so great at being a husband but I believe at some point I would have changed. At first she considered coming back to the marriage but changed her mind once j suggested a job in the day so I can spend more time with her. I think she thought I was going back to my old ways of not keeping a job but that wasn’t it...we just never saw each other. Anyway that’s over, she won’t come back and I’m pretty much almost over her anyway. So, I’ve dabbled in Dating. Had a couple one night stands, and no relationships yet because I’m liking my freedom, but casual dating and such. I’m still attractive and my confidence is coming back so I think women are living me again. So, besides saving up money for a place that’s all that’s going on.