I was never a big believer in afterlife. It was unreal to me that humans could possess something that lives on after death... Therefore, it didn't surprise me that after I died, all I interpreted was a swirling mist of darkness.
For a split second I thought itĀ could be my hell. My debt for shutting down in the arena and for letting Finch die. And I accepted it. It is what I wanted after all, right? To be alone and in the dark.Ā
Something wasn't right. I could still feel. Not objects or anything physical, but raw emotions and they weren't mine. They were subtle, more loving, and completely unafraid. As if they, it, knew this was going to happen and it was so overjoyed with the fact. It felt so familiar.. the vibes from a person I haven't seen in a long time.
I didn't know if I could speak but it was worth a try.Ā
"Mom." I said. "You know I don't believe in any of this.."Ā
A burst of emotion filled the darkness, this time it felt like a smile, laughter, and understanding all wrapped in one. Was this how she wanted to communicate?Ā
"So why am I here? Shouldn't I be nothing at this point?"Ā
Another burst of emotion, this one much stronger. It gave me the impression of a scolding and disapproval. I smiled, amused at the idea that I was ghost being lectured by another ghost. She emotes again, this time somehow conveying that this is her "heaven". I was confused at first but then I slowly realized what she meant.
I was only there because she wanted to speak to me. After I left, it was unknown what would happen to me. Ā
"I miss you.."
She knew and smiled. Instantly I felt like I was being hugged. I rephrased my statement from before: This could be my heaven.Ā
"You didn't have to kill yourself... You had so much time left... Lyda and I would've watched over you if you were -" Ā
She cut me off, shaking her head and standing by her decision. I wanted to forgive her, tell her that it wasn't a big deal any more. But I remember the fights I had with dad. The humiliation I suffered at Lyda's hands.Ā
She senses my guilt and comforts me. I could forgive her, one day. That is, if I had days after this experience.Ā
"Can I see you?" I didn't know how long it had been since I seen my mom's face. I probably forgotten what she looked like when I was too busy being self centered.Ā
She took a deep breath, and the dark swirls around me started to feel like memories. Her memories. Birthday parties.. first days of schools...meeting my father... bringing home Lyda and then what appeared to be me. They spun around in every direction before focusing on one point. The movement was dizzying, but feeling my mom's happiness was worth it. Ā
The darkness collapsed, revealing an embodiment of my mother. Alyssa Ann Young, Erudite turned Dauntless. She looked just as I remembered her. About a foot shorter than me, light brown hair that sat in a messy ponytail. Her green eyes that had a weird habit of being intimidating yet welcoming at the same time.Ā The lines of a thin, swirling vine decorated with small leaves tattooed on her forearms and led all the way to her ankles. Small, but noticeable wrinkles forming around her eyes and mouth.
"Ah, I should have known you would've dressed up for dying." I said, commenting on the shiny black dress she wore on special occasions.
"Shut up," she laughed before widening her eyes at that sound of her voice. "It was an important moment for me. At least I didn't die in a track suit."
I looked down, noticing my body embodied itself too, and smile at her. "It was great you seeing you, son." She said, pulling me into a hug. Ā "You have to go now though. There's a certain girl waiting for you."Ā
I hugged her tighter, my cheeks going red at her mention of Finch. She wanted me to believe.. that would be the only way I'd see Finch again. As I released her from my arms, light surrounded us. Her image blurred away slowly as the light grew brighter and brighter. She spoke her last words to me.Ā
"I'll be back.. only if you need me." Ā Her image completely dissipated, leaving me in what looked like the Erudite sector of the city. Voices were everywhere. I follow a familiar one around a corner of the building.Ā
Familiar faces matched the voices. People from Erudite who must have been long dead.. faces that came with me to the Hunger Games. Artemis.. Valentine... Lydia and Ayden, the two youngest tributes... Solomon and Sabrina.. everyone. Ā I saw Finch, sitting with the Amity-Dauntless girl I had seen before.Ā
She grinned at me, grabbing the girl's hands and running towards me. She tackled me to the ground, the both of us laughing and so happy to see each other. Soon enough were in the Amity section of town, sitting in a circle. I properly introduced myself to Ariss, who surprisingly recognized me. Ā
We told each others stories, things that we wished could have happened before we died. All the nostalgia I could ever want. The best part was, I could still feel my mom's emotions.
I had been considering that myself. One the one hand, staying together could present the possibility of it ending up just the two of us, but separate, one of us would die alone. The thought made me sick to my stomach.
I intended on fighting for my life, but based on the performances of my competitors, I was fairly certain I wouldnāt be the one walking out of that arena as the victor. āI-I had hoped we could stay together. I mean, as morbid as it may sound, one of us will die in there, and the odds arenāt in my favorā¦ā I pause, hesitating.
Looking straight in his eyes, I force out my thoughts. āI donāt want to die alone, Cason.ā I squeeze my eyes closed, āI know itās terrible and Iām not giving up or anything, but if it comes to it, I donāt want to be in there, without you. I donāt think I can do it.ā
My moods had been erratic and unpredictable when I was away from him, and I didnāt want to be like that when I died. I wanted to be with the man I loved.
I fight back tears and every urge to lash out while listening to her wishes. I want to tell her that she has as much as a chance as everyone else. That somehow we'll both come out of this alive. But that's a kind of wishful thinking so far from reality, I can't even comprehend.
"I want to stay together as well. I wouldn't be able to do it without you."Ā
By now my nerves are at full force. My fingers fidget and go numb in cycles. There's a soreness in my jaw that wasn't there moments ago. I haven't felt this sort of anxiety for months now. The end results won't be good.Ā
"I am so sorry." I apologize to her, and I myself am not exactly sure what I'm apologizing for. Perhaps I'm already predicting my moods and attitudes in the arena. Maybe I should be apologizing.
The movement of the carriage is soothing and the view is amazing. Iām not sure if weāre actually outside, but with the snow falling softly around us, it doesnāt matter.
I glance over at Cason, who looks like heās deep in thought, and I know heās thinking about tomorrow. I reach up, cupping his face with my hand and pulling him down for a kiss, hoping to calm him some.
Resting my forehead against his, I wished it was all a horrible joke. āNo matter what happens tomorrow, I will always love you,ā I whisper.
I donāt really want to think about tomorrow, but I canāt help it. I ran through probably hundreds of strategies and possible outcomes since they announced the true nature of the games, and the odds were slim that Iād make it out.
I'm half watching the scenery and half brooding about tomorrow. I shouldn't be acting like this. I'm not the only one in this situation. I feel her hands on my face, her lips on mine, and some of the haze goes away.
I nuzzle my forehead against hers, my thumb caressing her fingers. "I'll love you to. No matter what." I hold that position for a while before putting an arm around her shoulder and holding her close.Ā
"When we're in the arena... do you want to stay together? I will not leave you if you don't want me to." I hate asking that question. There's so many what-ifs involved with it. Still, I hold her close, knowing this could be my only opportunity.Ā
I enjoyed skating a lot, but I was glad when we were back on non-slippery ground. āThank you for not letting me fall, I say with a bashful smile. I grin when he pulls me in for a kiss and rest my head on his chest, soothed by its steady pounding.
"How about a sleigh ride?" I had only ever seen a live horse once- the day Ms. Mason took me swimming- and had a love hate relationship with the beasts. They were huge, and that freaked me out, but they were also gentle. Kind of like Cason.
I donāt bother putting the shoes back on as we make our way to the area with the horses. The tile is cold, but I like the feeling on my bare feet. Stealing another quick kiss, I slide my hand in his, glad to have him by my side.
I nod my head and squeeze her hand gently when I feel her fingers intertwined with mine.Ā
I don't want to admit it to her, but as the night wages on, I'm feeling more and more nervous about tomorrow and the days following. Everything about her and our being together has kept it at bay for days now and I'm so grateful. But its becoming harder to cope.Ā
I remember the night I confessed my feelings for her, how I told her we wouldn't be the same people in the week coming. I wish we had more time.Ā
An avox opens the carriage door for us, but I take a moment to look at the light brown horses secured to it. He makes a little snorting sound every so often.Ā
I move aside, letting Finch into the carriage before I take the spot next to her.
I take a deep breath, calming my nerves and manage to move a little more fluidly, āYouāre pretty good at this,ā I say teasingly when he skates backwards, but Iām reassured when I feel his strong hands on my waist.
Slowly the movements become more familiar and I am moving across the ice with much more ease. The whole thing is quite calming, and I love the feeling of air rushing past me. It was really an amazing experience.
Feeling confidant that he wouldnāt let us crash, I lean up, kissing his chin lightly. āThank you for doing this with me,ā
"Pretty good for the time being," I say, glancing behind me to avoid people. "I've got you here to keep me confident." IĀ notice her tension dissipating steadily as we make rounds around the rink. Her kiss sparks a warmth in me..Ā
"Thank you for being with me," I mean it in every possible way. My gaze lingers on her eyes for a moment before I turn away from her, guiding us back to the exit of the rink.Ā
When our skates are off I pull her close, my hands set on her waist again. I kiss her softly, before resting my chin on her head and taking in her scent.Ā
"Your pick," I say quietly. "What do you want to do next?"
As we start skating, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, but I know Cason wonāt let me fall. He seems to know what heās doing and soon weāve made it around the small rink a few times.
In theory I can skate, but theory is different than practice. I do my best to follow his directions, though, and I manage to propel myself forward weakly. āDonāt let me fall,ā
I turn around, skating backwards for a few seconds to see if she has closed any distance. "You're doing fine. Don't be scared." I smile at her. "I'm not very good at skating backwards," I shrug, slowing down. She glides in front me, and I take a hold of waist to keep her steady.Ā
"I promise I won't let you fall, beautiful." I tell her. I push her forward, my hands still safely on her waist. "Whenever you're ready, just do the walk-y motion with your feet." I laugh.Ā
I take the skates smiling as I pull off my shoes. They were works of art, but I wasnāt used to wearing heels. āIām sure I will. Thereās something about snow and ice thatās just so, miraculous, you know?ā
When he starts to lead me onto the ice, I clutch at his hand, not wanting to let go. āUh, maybe not. I donāt really want to fall on my ass and ruin this dress,ā I say with a shy smile.
"Agreed," I say, watching the falling snow. If it were snowing like this in the city, I'd look at it under a microscope. Snowflakes are beautiful up close - clear but colorful when they reflect light. The number of branches and fractals on one never the same as those on another.
"Of course," I look at her brightly. "Just trust me, okay?" I turn, holding Finch's hand behind me and push off the ice. We both glide over the frozen floor. I shift to the side, taking a small turn. In the corner of my eye I can see her dress billowing behind her. I smile and shout over my shoulder. "Push yourself like you're trying to walk! I won't let go."Ā
I grin when he mentions ice skating. I had never done it, but Ariss said it was fun. She had gone with her parents when she was younger- before she had started getting in trouble with them.
"I havenāt, but Iāve read about it!" I say excitedly. I had once asked Ms. Mason to take me, but she said it would be too dangerous.
The ice is clear and gleams, despite the blades that are running across its surface. An avox brought over some skates and I gladly took them, sitting down and pulling off my shoes. While the heels were manageable, that didnāt make them necessarily comfortable.
"You'll love it," I say, wrapping my arm around her waist. She skaters look like they are floating. I take a brief look around the ballroom while we walk to the rink, noticing everyone is more or less carefree.Ā
I thank the avox for the ice Ā skates, who simply nods and returns to her spot. I help Finch with her skates before tying up mine.Ā With my skates on, I rise and take Finch's hands, leading her on to the slipper ice.Ā
"Do you want to try by yourself first?" I ask her, giving her my hand just in case.
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