bagels

life is what death must feel like

[iguanamouth]

stay safe

[mcu-incorrect-quotes]

(Back in the old days of shield, part vii)

Clint: Wait for it… wait for it… 9:01. Natasha is officially late for the first time ever. Alright, let’s do this. Who’s got theories?

Sharon: Uh… alarm didn’t go off.

Clint: All three alarms? All with battery backup? Come on, who wants to take this seriously?

Hill: She was taken in her sleep.

Clint: That’s what I’m talking about! Super dark, Hill, but way more plausible than the alarm clock theory.

Coulson: I bet she tucked herself in the bed too tight and got stuck.

Rumlow: Maybe she fell into another dimension where she’s interesting.

Fury: It’s 9 a.m. Why is no one working?

Clint: Natasha is a few minutes late, and we’re all trying to guess why.

Fury: I like a play. I’d say she’s… in line at the… bank. This is fun.

Clint: It is fun, but you’re all wrong. She clearly slipped through a sewer grate and is having terrible sex with a mole chimera.

[Natasha enters]

Clint: There she is. Nat! Where have you been? We’ve been worried sick! Do you care to explain yourself?!

Natasha: I’m just seventy seconds late! It’s not a big deal. Don’t worry about it.

Fury: Romanoff, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.

Natasha: …There was a problem at the bank.

Fury: [claps] HOT DAMN!

[druigseternals-deactivated20211]

pierce: captain america knows you exist and will now not let us be. you need to take care of him.

winter soldier: of course

——————

winter soldier: you should eat more. your serum would’ve affected your metabolism so if my calculations are correct, you ought to be eating at least twice the average human being.

steve, spilling his coffee: HOW DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE

——————

steve, about to sleep: (:

winter soldier: it’s supposed to get super chilly around 2am so you should probably wrap up warm. here are some extra blankets

steve, startled: WERE YOU UNDER MY BED THIS WHOLE TIME

——————

steve, in a battle: dang i’m bleeding who shot me

winter soldier: here let me clean the wound and i’ve got a bandage right here just sit still don’t worry but when you’re done fighting you should probably get this looked at i know your serum heals you quicker but there might be something stuck in it and you don’t want your skin to grow over anything inside

steve, crying: who are you why are you following me

winter soldier: please be careful and make sure you get home safely

——————

steve, at peggy’s funeral: i can’t believe she’s gone

winter soldier, from behind: everything’s gonna be alright. she lived a long and fulfilling life. she loved you so much and she’d want you to carry on making a change in the world.

——————

pierce: soldat, mission report

winter soldier: mission is going well. captain rogers is eating more regularly, taking more care in battles, his exercise routine is no longer unhealthy. he is still grieving agent carter, but i believe he’ll be okay. last night he let me tuck him in-

pierce: i- that’s not what i meant

[just-add-butter]

Omg, I’m laughing so hard right now it’s silent, I can’t even manage to eek out sound I’m laughing so hard!

Tagging some people I think neeeeed to see this. Omg. @notimetoblog @nomadicpixel @time-travel-bouqet @kentuckybarnes @cordytriestowrite @buckthegrump @pepper-stark @jaamesbbarnes @teamcap4bucky

[mcu-incorrect-quotes]

THIS IS GOLD

[mcu-incorrect-quotes]

Rhodey: Okay so basically when a human says something really cool you say “wig”

Vision: oh I see

*the next day*

Wanda: Vis, I've been meaning to tell you this for the longest time… I think I'm in love with you

Vision: wig

[critter-of-habit]

“Okay listen up folks we have a security situation here- -”

[allofthefeelings]

I hope Avengers sometimes go to Strange like “I need your help” and he’s like “What’s wrong? Skrulls? Hydra?” and they’re like “I’m congested and it hurts when I swallow.”

[magistrate-of-mediocrity]

You think they ever approach Vision in a similar manner to complain about how the wi-fi router keeps kicking them off the network?

[allofthefeelings]

Well, NOW I do.

[thelibrarina]

Peter Parker calls Steve Rogers at midnight and he shows up at Aunt May’s in full uniform, shield at the ready. “You said something about Nazis? Let’s go.”

And Peter’s standing in the doorway in pajamas and like, pikachu slippers, and he’s like, “The AP history test is tomorrow. I need you to tell me everything you know.”

[moonblossom]

Alternately, I’m now picturing Wanda going to basically anyone else and trying to talk about some issues she and Vis are having, and universally, they all just go “Have you tried turning him off and turning him back on again?”

[allofthefeelings]

There are so many good comments on this post but this one deserves a special shout-out.

[indifferent-kiwi]

Peter: So what do you remember about the JFK assassination?

Bucky: I think I killed him

Peter: alrighty then

[marvelxs-universe]

this entire thing is glorious

[mcu-incorrect-quotes]

Natasha: Steve would throw himself in front of a moving car for you.

Bucky: Steve would throw himself in front of a moving car for fun.

[gin-juice-tonic]

[whitepeopletwitter]

[sweetmeatdale]

Imagine MCU Peter Parker accidentally letting slip that he’s gonna miss a class trip because Aunt May can’t chaperone so then he suddenly has to explain to his teachers why one of the Avengers volunteered to oversee the class camping trip or something like that.

Like imagine Peter being super embarrassed when all of his classmates are wondering why the fuck Thor, god of thunder and king of Asgard, is on their trip.

Or why Captain Steven Rogers is standing at attention as the teacher lists off all of the parents who volunteered to come.

Or like even the defenders, like imagine the principal asking why he thought a blind lawyer from Hell’s Kitchen was a suitable candidate for chaperoning a bunch of high schoolers.

Or Natasha comes along and all the kids are too afraid of her to say anything the whole time.

Imagine Peter trying to explain that his second choice after his legal guardian was known Kennedy Assassin, James Buchanan Barnes.

Imagine the principal trying to figure out how in the hell a student contacted S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Daisy Johnson for what basically amounts to a babysitter for a weekend bus trip.

Or even further and tie in Venom and have kids questioning why some off-the-rails San Francisco newsman signed on to help this random kid in Queens.

Like I love all the headcanons about the older superheroes deciding that this child is their responsibility but the domestic side of that is just hilarious

Add more if you think of it honestly

[whitepeopletwitter]

[circesherbs]

k but somebody’s roomba totally vacuumed them up after they died in the snap. it’s inevitable

[whitepeopletwitter]

[just-shower-thoughts]

Headphones indicate how advanced humans are. Many animals would quickly die if they were unable to hear outside, but we can disable our hearing just for entertaintment.

[dankmemesreasonforliving]

[fake]

[stucly]

Ginnis

[elixandre]

you come into my house