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journal

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[casuallydistanced]

26

i am now close to 30

i am still young

but getting old

i grieve my childhood

the things i have accomplished are immense

especially in music

i am grateful for my life up until this point

i listen to nurture on my record player and reflect

wind tempos

can i accomplish more?

can i achieve greatness?

even with limitations?

i will run my dads company

i will make more music that leaves an impact

i will marry lauren

i will take care of my family

thank you Jesus for another year

i am grateful

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hi again

i’ve made great efforts to learn about myself

as well as make changes in my immediate surroundings

i now have modded an iPod 5.5 into an insane relief for music listening

i’m so proud of myself

but i feel a longing for more

i knew something became different

a switch flipped

i’m done with streaming as much as i can muster

fuck all of them

even if it matters very little

i plan on going back to physical media as much as i can

blu-ray, dvd, mp3 ipod, cd’s, vinyl, whatever

i find so much more enjoyment from media consumption when it’s in my hands

watching movies using my xbox’ blu-ray player vs streaming it on the same xbox is NIGHT AND DAY difference

no latency, no dithering, no quality issues

maybe it can be psychosomatic

but even a deeper color difference

i feel an intense sense of freedom

as well as my urge to stray away from streaming growing

lauren isn’t the biggest fan of me harboring physical media

i understand entirely why, given her hoarding grandparent from her childhood

but i’m happy with the deal i made with her:

buy blu-ray movies we like from half price books

watch them together at random

then sell them back

just like renting

she even wants me to get a real record player to play my vinyls on

i definitely think i need to rip all the albums i own on vinyl

since i have physical copies to back it up

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the season is calling for me to learn

learn Serum proficiently

learn from CTS

learn how to not stress about striving to be the best

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i made up with her

i was toiling so much at work beforehand

but all it took was “i’m sorry i made you feel that way”

and “i’m more than willing to try again”

we ended up having one of the best intense sessions later that evening

reiteration on communication:

it is key!!!

i’m so thankful that we had this bout this past week

i believe it has helped us grow stronger together

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i turned her down today

it shouldn't have been serious at all

but after she initiated a bit she asked if i was ready to move forward

to which i politely declined

i understand that it is harder for her to be in the mood let alone mentally prepare for initiating, but her reaction made me feel like shit

i did not feel in the mood for sex

i should not have to feel like shit for that

she gave her reasons why she was upset

but that made me feel even more like shit

i told her that

she didn't want it to end like this either

i'm never enough

i'm dissociating

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yet i still cannot keep a consistent music composition drive

i spend too much time consuming

whether it be music

memes

or just brainrotting in general

no room for me to create

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i’ve made it out

thank Jesus

new apartment fills me with joy

my work towards peace has become fruitful

sacrifice

lauren has especially proven herself to be extremely reliable

i am so thankful for her

she’s so capable even with her handicaps

i’m so proud of her

i sacrifice for her as she sacrifices for me

her trust in me will not go in vain

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i find myself being casual about making music

the outpouring feels natural

but the space i’m in is limited right now

when i feel im no bother to anyone else i flourish

lauren feels as if she’s a burden to me

sometimes that may be true

but the love she shows me

way overpowers any doubts

it just gets tough

especially during transitionary periods such as this one

i pray for approval

for an apartment

to get paid for music

to live freely in Christ

i feel as though i am limited

but i feel it is all external right now

i hate that

i cannot control my surroundings

might as well accept this fact until it changes

why do i feel the growing want to be “woe is me” right now

this is not who i am

i am humble

but i do not ask for help

i am a helper

i am an inspiration

i am confident even when i don’t feel it

i just want to complain

i thank the Lord that sweetheart is no longer in this house

he appeared as a leech toward the latter half of the lease

i communicated how i could and went out of my comfort zone to do so

but i guess he forgot

it is hard not to feel resentment

but after this show tomorrow

i choose peace and solidarity

a removal of someone who is negative

negative to me

i hope for relief

like when he moved out

the air felt lighter

the space felt clearer

my freedoms expanded

i can’t wait to get out of here

why do i feel constantly tempted

i’m struggling

i feel like a failure to myself

and to lauren

i fall and get up and fall and get up and fall

i know that it’s about getting up

but it feels so cyclical

i’m done with it

i want no part with this

i reserve my intimacy with her and her only

i need to give myself grace

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i was reminded of a distant memory

playing in the rain

in my swimsuit

at my dads apartment

risk of lightning but no regard

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anxious

caught in limbo

need to move

but cannot just yet

i hate this house

i hate living with certain people

my grace is taken for granted

my heart is taken for granted

my STUFF is taken for granted

and what is there to show for it

just leaves our exits sour

i’m sure we can still be friends outside this

but it’s looking like i don’t want that

i feel i’ve been used since he moved in

i don’t ask for much if anything

if at all

and even the simplest requests feel mountainous

but it’s no problem on my end

i’m here to help

not the other way around

no basic respects

i’ve chosen there’s no respect earned

i’m done being one-sided

just get out of this house

and my life

i don’t live like you

nor do i want to

my passions have changed into such different ones

from what they used to be

but it’s for the better

and they’re what i like

stuck

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i desperately need solution

doesn’t make sense tho

this is a never ending game until i die

solutions present more problems

but what i really need

is His love again

why can i not realize that He does love me

why do i feel so ungrateful

why do i embalm myself with pride

especially when i’m in my head and in self-preservation mode

relieve me of this burden

Your burden is light

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i realize i cannot always get what i want in life

nothing is guaranteed

my time here is limited

i find myself in between dry eyed and in tears tonight

negative outlook overwhelms me

Lord help me

i need Your peace

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father

bring rest to these tired eyes

bring comfort to this disheveled body

bring peace to this restless spirit

bring salvation to this decrepit soul

bring courage to this fretting heart

i partake in your flesh and blood

as bread and juice

and find the depths of you

thank you Lord

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seeing a friend go through a breakup

especially when they live together

only makes me more appreciative

of what i do have

and what i’m working towards

i listened to a very informative video today

one about falling in love

although it’s “psychology”

it delves way deeper and wider than that

this made me feel refreshed

and confirmed that i am working towards something noble

and i pray that it turns out to be as worthy as i thought

she brings me happiness

joy even

and she pleases me more than she knows

to have her in my life

is to wake up every day

good or bad start

and still feel loved

and encouraged

to be a better person

and to love as i should

there are things i wish i could control

things that are obviously out of my control

acceptance is key to peace