ive pretty much come to terms with being mentally disabled, but for some reason the thought that i might be physically disabled as well is like. a shock to me?
like i always preach about how "the normal amount of pain is none" and "if you feel like a mobility aid would help you at all then use one"
but then its like. theres been two conversations this year with close friends of mine while hanging out irl that genuinely shocked me. and two of you read my posts so excuse me if i horrifically misremember what you said but its like
"a kid at my work has something like this and had to have a metal pole put in to sort it" and "if we noticed a kid walking like that we would try to sort it as soon as possible" and "the amount of pain youre in isnt normal"
and more recently, upon be recalling this conversation to another friend: "i think this would be considered a physical disability" and "i feel like some sort of mobility aid would help you" and "you really need to sort this out"
and all of these just left me. shocked. genuinely scared. because no one has ever said that to me before. and these people do have physical disabilities and/or chronic illnesses and its just like. i dunno man.
like im having to physically push my body to keep pace with my friend who has arthritis(?) and feeling so much pain in my feet, legs, and hips. and then watching my friend who needs a cane to help them walk have to slow down because i need to take each step at a time while holding onto the railing to get down stairs. and that same friend having to wait for me, perfectly fine, while i have to stand still and catch my breath for a minute because i was keeping up a conversation while going down one short flight of stairs.
and i always use the excuse of being unfit but. thinking back to when i was a kid with energy- i was always slow and always tripping over my feet and tiring out faster and so on. and ive been volunteering once a week for three years now, i should not be that exhausted getting home. i should not be shaking going up/down stairs. i should not be getting winded from talking and walking at a normal pace. my feet shouldnt hurt this much. my back shouldnt hurt this much. my knees and hips and body shouldnt hurt this much. and its like. idk its fucking crazy that its only now starting to set in.
i had to break into a short sprint at work the other week. not even 30 seconds of running. more of a light jog than a sprint. my legs were extremely sore for the next two entire days. i was hissing through my teeth when i got up from my desk because moving them was so painful. for two days. two days.
if anyone else had told me they were experiencing any of this i would be so concerned for them. but why cant i see it when its me? why was i genuinely confused when people started pointing this out? why was i scared? why am i still scared? and why do i still not believe it? and why cant i accept it even though now- months later- the logic is actually registering to me??
i shouldnt be up sometimes for hours because my legs feel restless to the point of extreme pain, and all i can do is cry and hope that puts me to sleep. i shouldnt be avoiding doing things because i know how much pain ill be in after. normal regular household chores shouldnt be painful. my back shouldnt hurt as regularly as it does. i shouldnt have to put so much mental energy into making sure my feet are mostly straight. why cant i believe any of that?
