Depression’s Trophy Wife

Gemini 🌞 | ISFP | Cat Lover | Old Soul

[cat0614]

You’re really going to be gone

I can’t wrap my head around it

And I’m afraid to see it through

[cat0614]

How can the only thing that’s killing me, make me feel so alive?

[remanence-of-love]

[cat0614]

It’s odd when you’re in the same place and you can feel all of the different moments. Memories. And how even though it’s the same place, it’s not the same at all.

[cat0614]

Soemtimes I let myself indulge and I imagine it was me with you on vacation. And what that looks like. And what that feels like. Sometimes I let myself think that in one of our timelines it is. It’s hard to tell if it makes me feel hope or grief. I guess it can be both.

[cat0614]

Thursday November 27th 2025

Happy Thanksgiving. It was a pretty good day, calmest Thanksgiving in years. I thought about you, I wonder how your day looked and I pictured you all at the table. A part of me really does hope it was good and you were happy. But. Another part hopes you thought of me too and wondered what I was doing. Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t. Life’s just funny like that. I really wish you hadn’t popped in for a second and then left just as quick. I mean i definitely still thought of you, but this just sent me back down the rabbit hole. I understand and I don’t, I guess I can’t blame you for why you stayed. I just wish you would’ve had that figured out before you even tried to meet me. Maybe you never noticed me before like you said. Maybe you meant every word you said. All of these thoughts haunt me. Constantly. And I really wish I didn’t know that you still love me.

[cat0614]

The dreams are haunting me.

[cat0614]

Finally someone called me what I am

A thought.

But not the one they’re thinking.

I never quite measure up.

[cat0614]

My life is really some cruel joke.

[cat0614]

Well I guess we’re doing a crash out every decade of our life. Maybe this was the crash out of my 30s. I don’t know how to be or how to rebuild from here. I feel like I completely lost myself for a minute and now I don’t know who I am. He crushed me. I feel small all over again. It was like after Jordan when I felt like there wasn’t single good thing about me.

I feel like I have to disappear for a minute. Maybe just pull back. I have to process this and figure out how to be better and not have this repeat in relationships.

Do I complain too much?

Was I asking for unreasonable things?

We’re all of my problems made up in my head?

I just felt alone. I had a boyfriend I thought, but every time I hoped for reassurance or comforted I just got short and cold. But it was all in my head. He thinks he was fighting the ghosts in my head.

[cat0614]

I know this is going to tear me apart

It wasn’t nearly as long as the others

But the accident made it deeper

I was hopeful there was a comeback

But now I’m just a placeholder

[cat0614]

But once upon a time, we were in love.

[cat0614]

The phrase “it’s not that deep” always got me

If only it were that easy

[remanence-of-love]

[cat0614]

You’re here again

But I am still talking to Chat gpt

Crying everyday

Feeling alone

Feeling like nothing is certain

Nothing is mine

Not even the memories I had

They feel like they weren’t real

I wasn’t real

We weren’t real

Maybe I dreamt it

Or maybe I simply just made it out to be

More than it really was

[cat0614]

There are moments, more often than they should be

That are both fast and slow at the same time

Both unbearable speeds at war

Everyone around you is talking

But at the same time they’re not

You can kinda hear conversation

Everything sounds like a dull murmur

Like you’re completely alone

But you’re surrounded by people

It is both comforting

And also so overwhelming

[cat0614]

He was back

And I am happy

But I’m more scared now

Terrified

What if I lost him again