She Rambles @catanadances - Tumblr Blog

This place is a friggin time capsule.

That's kinda been the theme of the last week, actually.

And there's a part of me that wants to go back and just delete delete delete because WHY would I subject myself to reliving some of the worst times of my mental health? But the other part of me realizes the reality of what was, and I can be grateful for where I am now. I've said and done some terrible things that I have to live with, but I'm finally in a place where I can see things for what they are.

It's literally the last day of August in 2024.

I just turned 34, and I am having the best year of my life so far. I have a great job, a great partner, great friends, and I can finally say I have a great life.

#8312024 #thoughts #growth #thisis34

angel-fallen-not-broken

just-shower-thoughts

If you watch Jaws backwards it’s about a shark that throws up so many people they have to open a beach.

just-shower-thoughts

Looking back on your past memories and feeling cringe about all the things you did is a sign that you’re maturing and/or improving as a person

catanadances

From chaos comes growth.

meme-theft

oddityball

I LOVE THAT THEY KEEP PICKING UP MORE OMG

hollandimagines

One of my fav videos on the internet

starryfictionalgirl

Omg I saw the first one when I was at comic con!

I read something ..

And now I want to throw up.

Maybe I *am* too much.

#ouch #ouch again #anxiety

"I love you." 7/9/18

It's quite strange how NOT hearing it can fuck with your head, especially when you're going through things. Even better, when you think you know who would be there and be most supportive and understanding of moments like these are the ones that are most distant and least understanding. Or make it all about them. And maybe those people don't realize they're doing it, but on the same side of the coin they dont realize how much they are affecting the situation.

I think I miscalculated just how lonely I've been feeling. And how unsupported I've been feeling. And it's mornings like these that kinda ... drive the message home.

And what sucks is that I'm floating around in the impostor syndrome zone where affection towards me feels fake so I reject it but realize how shitty it is to not at least have anyone's attention. Makes no sense, right? Makes no sense to me.

I wish I didn't feel so alone. Maybe I'd be easier to love.

#heartbreak #lonely #loneliness #emptiness #i love you

just-shower-thoughts

If humans could fly we’d consider it exercise and never do it.

Today. 7/8/18

Today was... an adventure. My face and my shoulders are crispy but I gained a level and finally got my onix and gyarados. Thanks, pokemon go community day. Lol

Ran into some friends too which was a nice surprise. If I could avoid the whole sunburn thing and body fatigue, I'd probably get out and PoGo a bit more.

Came home, took a shower and listened to music, fixed the unruly mane of a head of hair I own, and now I'm just sitting on the couch with the doggo in my lap. Skin tingles.

In other news, here's a life update. I've pretty much weaned myself off of effexor by reducing my dose little by little. In exchange, I started birth control again on July 1st. I was off of it for over a year but the horrid cramping and moodiness came back. Also, I don't have to remember to take anything because it stays up there for a month. :P Yay no more periods!

HOWEVER, throughout all this medicine swapping and reducing over the last month, my desire for socialization/affection and my sex drive has tanked. I've had a few moments of mania here and there, wanting to destroy the house and rebuild it, and rampage at anyone who gets in my way. I *do* miss my sex drive but I don't know how to fix that besides waiting out the biological effects of the changes. I've tried a couple things and it hasn't helped. Even before meds I'd have periods of time with no desire whatsoever and for some reason this always caused issues in my relationships. Can't win.

This is just how I am at the moment.

Sore, lonely, sunburnt, a bit confused, a little manic, a tad bit "dont touch me" and "go away."

This too shall pass.

At least my animal friends still love me.

I just wish more people could accept me for who I am at the moment and stop putting expectations on me.

Ffs.

#medication #effexor #nuvaring #no sex drive #nsfw #pokemon go #community day #sunburn #7/8/18 #mania #manic #rebuild #divide and conquer

Mania. 7/1/18

It's a weird thing sometimes... when you're in a transitional period of mental stability and balancing medications, sometimes this thing called mania happens. Extreme compulsion to do certain things to the point where it triggers anxiety if it doesn't get done. That is where I am right now. I feel like destroying this skirt that I rediscovered but I dont know where my sewing kit is and it's driving me crazy. I'm trying to take this anxious energy and make it productive by picking up the laundry that has been piling up in my room for a week but I'm also jittery and light-headed. So now I'm sitting on the bed trying to write this all down before I forget how combative and crazy I can be. Lol

WHAT THE FUCK, BODY. COME ONNNN.

I'm weaning off of Effexor and going to be starting BC again today. Hopefully things get back to normal very soon. The last thing I want to do is turn this house into my prison. Wouldn't be the first time.

*EDIT* - It is now 7 PM. I have done 3 loads of laundry, sorted my clothes, done 2 dishwasher loads, cleaned the kitchen, and cooked. I guess mania can be a good thing sometimes, when it is productive. I still never found my seam ripper, but I found my damn sewing kit. -.-

#effexor #withdrawals #mania #antidepressants #birth control #anxiety