i need you to stop insisting that i'm not a lost cause

hayley's sideblog. for ooc eyes only.

[niceaf]

The only thing // Sufjan Stevens

[catatonicsmiles]

unattaching myself from all feelings. 

[catatonicsmiles]

so you told me you loved me, let me come see you, and while i was with you, after professing my undying love for you, you feel the need to go texting another ex that you’re still in love with HER?? oh you’ve got to be joking. i’m not going through this again.

OH AND YOU HAVE A CHILD YOU JUST CONVENIENTLY FORGOT TO TELL ME ABOUT????

[surrealist-lyricist]

Limousine - Brand New

[catatonicsmiles]

wow, i’m so pathetically hopeless. 

[catatonicsmiles]

“you know i loved you” 

it just keeps ringing in my head. that’s not the way i wanted to hear those words from you for the first time. it makes me wish that maybe i never had. i don’t know what hurts more, the past tense or the fact that you did and never told me. i should have told you, too. i loved you. i still love you. i don’t think anything is ever going to change that. 

i don’t know what to expect out of today/ tonight. i really don’t. i just hope i didn’t make a mistake coming out here. i don’t want to ruin nye for you or myself. i just needed to see you and acted on that impulse. 

come what may.

[l-amouur]

[catatonicsmiles]

it’s been 3 years. 3 years and you’re just now coming around to have some semblance of a normal conversation with me? why? why now? i’m just waiting for one of us to say the wrong thing and for this to turn sour. not that i want it to, it just feels inevitable. i hate that with every word i just want to tell you i miss you. that there hasn’t been a single day i didn’t think about you and wish things could have worked out differently. i don’t expect things to take that route this time but at least maybe if i can keep things from getting ugly i can maybe have you back in my life in some sort of way. that right there would be a major win for me. i’ve been needing you.

[catatonicsmiles]

i don’t wanna do this to myself anymore. i don’t want you to do this to me anymore. i think maybe i’m finally just letting go. time to find someone who wants me and will appreciate me and never destroy me the way you have time and time again. i’ve rebuilt myself from your destruction for the last time. this is moving on. 

[catatonicsmiles]

I’d ask why this was stashed away with the Christmas decorations that I pulled down from the attic today but I guess seeing as how it was a Christmas present it easily could have gotten thrown in by mistake. As if my mental health needed even more of a hit. You may say you have a family now but what about us? Were we not your family then? This sure does look like a family to me. I know that a child goes leaps and bounds beyond a pet but he’s my son. He’s all I have left of what you gave to me. This photo album makes me envision what our little angel’s would look like and God does that fucking tear me apart. Do you think we would still be together if we hadn’t lost him/her? Do you think we’d be happy? I bet we would have had a ton of these filled up by now. Their first birthday, the cake all over their little hands. By the second you’d shove my face into my piece of their Disney cake. At first I’d want to kill you but of course I’d retaliate and shove a handful back in your face. We’d laugh and kiss. We would be reminded of our wedding and watch our baby in pride of how far we’ve come. Maybe in another life. I hope alternate universe Hayley has gotten her happy ending. 

[catatonicsmiles]

i haven’t eaten in nearly 24 hours and have slept maybe 4 hours in the past 3 days. I’M GONNA LOSE IT. 

[catatonicsmiles]

i’m still sticking up for you. STILL. despite everything. despite knowing they’re not fully wrong about what they’re saying. you are taking advantage of and exploiting my weakness for you. and i’m STILL saying i’m the one to blame. why am i like this? why are you like this? why are WE like this?

[catatonicsmiles]

so i’ve stooped to a whole new level of pathetic. been listening to songs you wrote about me back when you actually fucking liked me just because i want to hear your voice saying those types of things to me. 

“i’ll never stop wearing your ring even though we fight, baby, we’re for eternity.”  wow what a joke.  “go and take your time and think, figure this all out, i’ll be waiting here a love that never will burn out.”  it makes me sick.

you ever wish lacuna inc was a real place? as much as i don’t want to forget you maybe that’s just what i need.

[freakyyvirgo]

Paramore, Tell Me How.

[catatonicsmiles]

she called me hers and i just about had a full fledged panic attack. how do i answer that? sure this weekend has been nice but i’m nowhere near ready to be calling myself someone else’s again. things with chad haven’t been resolved and i’m just supposed to jump into something that has felt nice for a couple days? it’s too much too fast. but what if i miss out on something great? how do i get myself into these situations?

[moisemorancy-deactivated2022061]

Knowing the difference between who to cut off and who to be patient with—is everything

[catatonicsmiles]

and this is what’s hurting my heart most today.