hii! i'm 18 nd my gf is 19. we're kind of new to the d/s stuff, having fantasized for a long time. i'm here to ask what your recommendations are with aftercare and safe words. also, i would like to know if it's preferable to use safe words or for the domme to do their best to notice when the sub is is genuine, unmanageable distress? your blog has been a really good source for my gf and i to learn about captor/owner dynamics and we are so thankful for your logistics tags ♡ your writing is also so good, has helped me with my english lol, and we love reading your stuff and sending it to each other. i wish you & your captive all the best, hopefully you guys get to figure out your 24/7 soon! lots of love from a noob d/s lesbian couple all the way from korea!!
safewords!!! 100% use safewords!!! In my specific situation we don’t really do many cnc/rape scenes so River can say “no” or “stop” and I’ll stop, but we also use the traffic light system as a backup. They’ll say “red” or “yellow” if needed, but they don’t do this too often to be honest. Their most common phrase to tell me to stop is “I need a minute”, which tells me to pause whatever I’m doing, then they follow it up with what they need (ok I’m good actually keep going, stop and hold me, I’m done for real, I want the harness off, etc). Even in a cnc/rape scene, if they said “I need a minute” or “just a minute” I’d stop immediately. Safewords don’t always have to be in code. Sometimes a particular phrase you only use when you’re being serious will work.
I think it’s also good for the domme to have safewords available!!! If the submissive goes “Ooooh pleeease, hit me harder” and the domme just isn’t comfortable doing that, it’s nice to have the option to reply with “yellow, I don’t want to hit you anymore” and just carry on with the scene. In a lot of scenes if the domme says “no more of this” it’s an opening for the sub to beg for more. If the domme can safeword, she’s protecting herself from being goaded into something by a sub who doesn’t mean to be pushing her limits. I’m 100% on team safeword.
Aftercare is more complicated. I think it’s important to talk about what you like in aftercare. River and I need pretty different stuff. I need to be told after a scene that River liked all the stuff I did. I need a clear and concise Yelp review of the scene. I need them to tell me what went well and let me know that I didn’t push them too far. I need to know that they felt good. It’s incredibly vulnerable to admit, as a domme, that I need reassurance after the fact. I’m lucky to have a submissive who only had to be told what I needed once and now does it every time.
River likes to be held. I think most people do, but them especially. We lay there and talk sometimes, or I talk at them, depending on the day, but the talking isn’t as important to them, I think. We usually don’t take off their collar, harness, or extra cuffs immediately after the scene so that becomes part of the aftercare- helping them remove the extra cuffs or their play collar or whatever else I’ve put them in. Getting comfortable. We’ve only showered together after sex a few times but we both really like that. I hold them. I play with their hair. I tell them they did a good job. If I’ve injured them I clean them up. If I marked them we admire the marks. I tell them I love them. Over and over and over I tell them I love them.
it’s also odd, though, aftercare in a more constant dynamic like ours. In general I pair most of our rougher moments with softer ones even if we’re not “in a scene”. If I choose to suddenly yank them by their hair to get their attention or to make them say something (agree with me, apologize for doing something silly, etc) I’ll kiss them after and tell them they’re being good. If they spend a few hours casually gagged, I make sure they also spend a similar amount of time curled up next to me getting pet. I call them my bitch and later remind them that they’re also my darling. I think it’s sometimes a bit of a rollercoaster for them, but I also think it’s important that our relationship isn’t too rough. I like the rough moments as reminders between lots and lots of sweet moments. “I adore you” as a near-constant with, in between, moments of “you are mine, you are not a person, you are owned like an animal” forming an undercurrent. I have them captive because I love them, so I treat them as such.
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