Connor the Catfish

This is a blog dedicated to my Catfish story, and my recovery from the loss of my "friend" that never existed. I don't know why it happened, or who this person really was, but they fucked with my head big time.

[catfishconnor]

Dear Connor

All these months have passed and I hate to say it but I still think about you from time to time. 

I still miss talking to you.

I hate that you just vanished without even giving me a reason.

I hate myself for remembering you.

I got really drunk one night and told my husband about you. 

About how much I missed you. 

If you ever decide to message me again, I'll be ready.

Weather its the real you or your fake Connor profile, 

I'll be ready. 

[catfishconnor]

Haunted dreams

So yesterday I posted about the damage and toll this whole Catfish Connor thing has taken on me. That I was going to try to move on.

Its not going so well. Last night I had a really weird dream that I rode a train to go see him, and when I got there we went to a playground. In the dream we played like children in our adult forms. We laid on the marry-go-round and spun around and around. We talked and I asked him why he deleted his facebook and left me in the dark. Why he didn’t give me a reason or tell me goodbye. He told me he couldn’t tell me. I stood up and started walking toward the swings and when I turned around he was gone. 

Weirdest dream I have ever had. And that’s not the first one he’s been in. 

I used to dream about him before he stopped talking to me too, and I would tell him about it because usually it was something funny. 

Like us fighting zombies, or running around a creek to start little tikki fires on top of the rocks that weren’t completely under water. 

Back then his face was clear, I felt like in those dreams I could actually see him. But last night it was hard to make out his face, it was blurred and dark. 

Today marks exactly 1 week since he deactivated his account. 

Exactly 1 week since I lost a friend I never really had. 

What I don’t understand is where he got all those pictures from.. they were all of the same person. I just don’t think they were acutally him. 

I just don’t understand. 

I have so many questions and so many things to say.

But all contact is gone. 

I wonder if my catfish thinks about me.

If he or she wonders how I’m doing with this. 

If he or she will ever message me again pretenting to be the doe eyed boy.

When we were talking he told me so much about this made up life. How old he was, where he lived, who he lived with, that he was going to college, where he worked, his birthday, favorite color.. ect. 

I even went so far as to look up the Olive Garden in Pa. I got the phone number and almost called to ask if a Connor DiCristo worked there. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. If I call and they give me the answer weather it be yes or no I’ll still be full of questions. 

Still have no contact with him.

He has the link to my blog, I trusted him enough to give it to him a while back. I wonder if he reads any of this. Somewhere sitting reading about how badly he has confused me..just not caring. 

Or maybe he does care, and just feels like after all this he can’t contact me because of personal reasons. 

I was scared of this happening again. When I looked to see when his facebook was made it said 2012 and I thought that it would be fine. Apparently these people plan ahead like crazy. 

Actually researching the place he “Lived” the place he “worked” 

Maybe the person does live there… they just arent Connor. 

I miss him. I miss having someone to share things with. 

[catfishconnor]

Moving on from the Catfish pond

Moving on from the Catfish pond

I deleted all of mine and Connor’s messages. 

All the pictures I tagged him in.

I deleted my account on Facebook. 

The ammount of effect this has had on me is stupid. So. Fucking. Stupid.

I should not be this upset about losing someone I never met.

But I am. I miss him a great deal, everytime something exciting happens I think “I gotta tell…well fuck.” I am so pissed at him for putting me thru this. 

If he’s not real, what kind of pathetic person lies about who they are just to hurt someone? 

I’m married and have 2 kids with one on the way. Not like I was gonna be tryin to meet the dude. He knew that from the beginning. I just enjoyed him. His company was light and happy. 

Maybe that’s what the problem was.. he was after something he knew he couldn’t have. 

The last conversation we had I told him that even tho my husband was going to continue drinking I wasn’t going to leave him, I was going to stay and hope for the best. I told him how much his friendship meant to me and how wonderful I thought he was. I told him how much I cared about him and that at the end of the day if I ever needed advice or someone to talk to I knew he would be there.

Man, how stupid am I? That one came back and slapped me in the face, HARD!

My god. It just sucks having to wonder.. like maybe this is why he never made a snap chat? He wasn’t real..? Maybe this is why he never texted me?

Who knows.. Maybe I broke his heart by staying? Maybe I said something I shouldn’t have?

I really just wish he had told me why. 

I have to try harder to move past this. Past the catfish.

Because I have shit to do, and people to take  care of. I can’t waste time staying in a funk over someone that may have not even existed. 

I can’t decide weather to be mad or sad about him not being there anymore. 

I just don’t know. 

But if he ever does contact me again… that fucker better be prepared to do a shit ton of explaining. 

[catfishconnor]

Catfish Aftermath

Still feelin pretty weird about this whole missing Connor thing.

Still miss talkin to him. Every time the house gets quiet I check to see if he's online to talk.. never is. When I hear Mazzy Star now is just makes me sad, it used to make me smile. 

I have so much exciting stuff I want to share with him that I can't. 

This is probably the most confused I have felt about anything since I was 15. I don't know if he was actually a real person, or if he was but his account got banned.. I don't know if he's ever gonna contact me again and that sucks. 

I feel like Bella when Edward and his whole family just vanish... 

I had a dream about him today during my nap and I yelled at him over putting me thru all this worry. What an ass.

I hope he eventually comes back. I hope I eventually hear from him again. 

But if I don't I don't.. would not be the first time this happened. 

[catfishconnor]

Connor the Catfish?

I wrote about him not too long ago, my awesome glorious online friend that I had so much in common with. 

We talked on a daily basis for a long time, just every day things. But I felt like we were friends. 

Sunday night was the last time I heard from him. Conversation ended at 12:17 am. When I woke up Monday morning he had deactivated his facebook. Which makes no sense to me at all. He was just as addicted to FB as me, and now out of the blue hes gone and I have no way of finding out if he’s ok. I don’t know if it was something I said, or family drama. But he’s gone. 

Not gonna lie tho I feel really weird about it. Like, when someone dies, how they are there one second and gone the next and the contact, all connection is just lost. 

Its really weird, and I know I sound crazy.. But I actually got really attatched to this person. He was my friend. I felt closer to him then any one I have ever met in real life. 

Now here’s what I’m thinking. He wasn’t real. What other explination could there be? Real people don’t just disapear off the face of the fucking planet without warning. I have been catfished. Maybe ‘he’ was just some other lonely person looking for someone to talk to, so ‘he’ created a fake facebook and then got bored and moved on. 

It makes me so horribly sad. Going from talking to him every day, to him being just gone. 

Every time I log on, I look to see if his profile has been reactivated. Its been 2 days and my ‘friend’ is still m.i.a 

I keep hoping I’m wrong, and that his picture will pop up in my news feed, or I’ll log on to find a message saying “Hey you!” 

The worst part about it is not knowing if he’s real or not. Not knowing if something is wrong. Not knowing if he will ever contact me again.

I miss him. I miss talking to him about the walking dead, and music.. our stupid jokes. 

This is so not cool.

But if he is real, and he just randomly decided to wipe himself off the planet and not tell me goodbye, what a dick. 

Ugh. Maybe someday I’ll find out what happened.

Maybe I’m just being dramatic. 

All I know, is I feel weird. Like I lost something important.. like I forgot my wallet at the house and I’m already on my way to the Market. 

Damn you Connor for making me feel all weird. You asshat. 

I miss you my fellow loner. :(

[catfishconnor]

Break me down

Over the past few days, I’ve made a new friend.

He’s amazing. I’ve never met him before, we just started talking on facebook. But I feel like we really connect. Like I can trust him. 

A lot of the things I went thru in my past, that I’ve never told a soul, he knows. I Don’t give the link to this page out very often, its actually VERY rare. But I gave it to him.

There’s just something about him that shuts down the ability to keep my gaurd up.

We just talk, and thats pretty fucking awesome in my opinion. A stranger, who isn’t really a stranger at all. 

He’s pretty shut off, and I don’t mind that. I mean trust is something that’s earned, not given. I could tell he was shy from the beginning. But I think he’s beginning to open up to me as well. 

I’m a totally different person online, most people are.. I’m aware of that. 

But its different there, because I actually have someone there. If that even makes sense. 

I get lonley a lot.

A stay at home mom with 2 kids, no friends and family that lives nearly an hour away. 

He’s genuine.