So, I can't talk about this on other media because I'm not sure if all of the family knows and frankly, I don't want the usual "I'm so sorry" comments or inspirational quotes that I have to fake a thank you to. It's not that I don't appreciate the kindness and empathy, I do, I love that people care it's just that I don't feel thankful right now. My heart is broken and I'm confused, freaked out and not really grasping the fact that one of my friends killed themselves and it was discovered today. Nobody knows me here and nobody follows me so Im going to get this out, right here, right now. So sorry in advance to anyone who stumbles upon it. It's gonna be wordy. It doesn't really have a point except I need to set it down. It's too heavy
I keep thinking that it can't really be true, it's a mistake. I don't believe he would do that. I know he did, obviously, but still I cannot accept that he would do that. He loves his kids. He's adored by everyone. He's had a hard life and had been through some serious shit. Even prison. He's a survivor. A. Survivor. He worked 2 jobs. He did it because he had mouths to feed. He worked so damn hard. I have no idea how he got any sleep at all. He is so spiritual. Truly, someone strong in his Faith and beliefs. Life dealt him some bad hands but he was so faithful in a higher power, he just played those bad cards as best he could. He was pretty graceful about it. It was impressive and admirable. He loved people. I mean if you were in his circle, he loved you. He was protective and caring. And funny. And so very sweet. His soul is beautiful. He's never said a bitter word about life to me and he has reason to. He was a talented poet. He is my friend. Like, really, a friend. I adore him. I trust him. I count on him to be there. In the world. With me. Every day.
"Hello my love" was his daily greeting. It's always my first smile of my day. "Hi my sweet Ty Guy" my daily response. We called each other "My Buddy". He cannot be gone. We need him. A lot of us depend on him to just be in our lives because he's that important. Just be here. Alive. I want to know that he knew that. I cant stop hoping that he knew that. That he mattered. That he was important and loved. He just disappeared about 5 days ago. Didn't come to work, no contact with anyone. He posted about fixing dinner then he just vanished. He was responding on that post, then he just stopped. My last words to him were "Yum". I would have wanted them to be "Hey, love ya My Buddy" or even "Please dont fucking do that. Don't fucking leave us like that". He did leave us though. So "Yum" it is. I feel like if I was having this conversation with him, we would stupid laugh about that "Yum". We aren't going to stupid laugh anymore My Buddy. They found his body today. What the fuck happened? My mind keeps searching and searching. My first thought when my phone rang and a mutual friend told me was " No way, he wouldnt do that" then the horror of it washed over me and I actually felt chest pain as my heart broke. I cried. For the next 2 hours until I couldnt cry any more. Why couldn't he reach out like he's done before? He never worried about expressing his feelings. Happy, sad, mad, he said what he needed to say. He had lived that kind of life that made you understand that nobody could really stop you from doing just that and life is way too short to not be real. As I'm writing this, I'm not unaware of the irony and synchronicity of that. He understood consequences and owning it. He was a gentleman in the truest sense of the word. Rare.
I'm just lost. My heart is completely shattered but it's aching so badly. It hurts me that he was in that much pain. That's the part that I can't get out of my head. I cried it out already but suddenly it just pops in my head, that he must have been in so much pain and my soul dies a little. I feel like I just better prepare for that to keep happening for quite some time. Again, that's why we are all so stunned. He wouldn't do that to his people. When he just vanished, everyone thought someone had done something to him or he was in trouble but not one person thought of this. He was sad about relationship stuff. He was down but not like that. A bad break up. Prison, the streets, that didn't break him but this did? I don't understand but then again I do because under that hard-core exterior, his heart was just too loving. I know I'll learn to accept this. Time gives you the tools to learn to live with pain. I know from experience. I'm just so fucking angry and hurt. I hurt for those of us left behind to grieve. Those little ones that need him. How will they ever understand why he's gone. I hurt for him because this shouldn't have been the only option that he could choose to find peace. I think that's why I feel angry. It didn't have to be that way. So, the world has an empty spot that will never be filled and the world is a lesser place without him.
Tomorrow, there will be no greeting from My Buddy and there will be no smile. I'm not ready for this My Ty Guy, I just can't. You would say "Naw. You're good. You got this" so for now, see ya tomorrow friend. Then You say " I'll be here" and I'll say "You know that's the only reason I keep coming back to this place. Miss you already!" I'll see that sunshine grin of yours. And it's still true. I miss you already.
prguitarman
amandla
yousharknotpass
turnnoffyourmind
