Truth be Told: Stories of a Yogini
For the past three weeks, I have been a “rebel”. When my alarm goes off in the morning I click the snooz button and go back to bed for another hour or so. I tell myself I’m tired of being “good” and getting up early every morning to do my sadhana practice. So, I decide that I am not going to do it anymore - the joy of being a “rebel”. After years and years of being hyper-disciplined and doing the “right” thing, I am exhausted. It feels so good to be self-indulgent and sleep in, eat unhealthy foods and drink wine whenever I want. Yes, for me these things go hand in hand – when I am on my mat in the morning it impacts every area of my life.
I tell myself I am free, but am I really?
I have been meditating on and off for the last 20 years. At times, my mediation practice is strong and at other times it’s quite weak. This past March, when I was in India, my teacher Anand Mehrotra, made a comment that stuck with me – “if you are not mediating you shouldn’t be teaching”. I took that to heart and when I returned from my trip I continued the strong sadhana practice that I began when I was there. I was exhausted, but kept consistent with it initially. Over time, I noticed that I was doing the practice, but my heart wasn’t in it. I was feeling angry and resentful. Eventually, I said “screw it” and I made the decision to let it go. Ah the sweet freedom of getting more sleep and doing the “wrong” thing.
Yesterday, Anand came to speak at our yoga studio and again, he spoke of teachers who were teaching, but not practicing, and how that can impact your power as a teacher. My ears perked up and my truth was staring me in the face and I saw the impact of my rebellion. The last three weeks have been good in many ways, but I was totally abandoning myself – not doing the things that I know keep me grounded, healthy and in my true joy – which for me is eating well, singing, meditation, practicing and being present.
During this three week period, I also gave up my kundalini teaching and went back to the comfort of teaching vinyasa, The reason – I knew I couldn’t be teaching what I wasn’t practicing- it wasn’t authentic.
I love vinyasa – teaching it and practicing it . It is very easy for me to have consistency, but this style of practice doesn’t take me to the “next level” in terms of my yogic journey as I know kudnalini does. My mind resists the kriyas, breathwork, and mediation. Yet, the most powerful experiences I have had on my mat have been during the times I’ve had the courage and strength to engage in these practices.
So, this morning I woke up and came back to my mat. I did Sat Kriya and mediated for 15 minutes. I felt like I was back home, connecting with a friend that I had missed. What a gift to have time and space to be with my soul, with source and with the deep connection that is possible on my mat. I am in joy today for being fierce enough to come back to the practice and compassionate enough to understand the very humanness of taking a step back.
I encourage all of you to be honest with yourself – are you practicing what you preach, are you coming to your mat and your breath as much as you need to. I cannot say what works for anyone else, but I know for me the practices that bring me to my highest self and those that crumble my soul. If you are silent and look within, you will know too.
And as always, whenever looking inward do so with compassion and love rather than fear and judgment. www.cathyconnors.com
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