The Motherfucking Giant Anteater
Oh boy, you’d best get ready for this shit. Do you see what this is?
That’s right, it’s a motherfucking GIANT ANTEATER. Now, this isn’t no pussy-ass regular everyday anteater, it’s the GIANT ANTEATER which means it grows up to 7 motherfucking feet long that’s 2.1 meters for those of you working with the metric system. In any measurement, it’s still one huge-ass motherfucker.
But it doesn’t stop there, oh no, we haven’t even scratched the surface of the tip of the iceberg that is this beautiful fucking creature. This monstrous typhoon of an animal is known for its sense of smell which it uses to find motherfucking ants. Can you smell an ant? DIDN’T THINK SO, BITCH. Anteaters win again. But what does this mean for you you ask? It means that you can hide all you want from these nocturnal sons of bitches but they will sniff you out and kill you in cold blood.
Absurd you say? Yeah, absurd until it comes and wakes you up in the middle of the night with its coarse, 40cm long hair right before it fucking shreds you to ribbons! These fearless bastards don’t flee like other pussy mammals such as humans, oh no, when it faces it danger it confronts the danger by standing on its fucking hind legs
Imagine this but 7 feet tall.
Still not impressed? how about this: it will then fire off a barrage of extremely rapid strikes using its razor sharp claws akin to a motherfucking bear. It uses this to fend off and kill fucking jaguars and cougars. Could you kill a jaguar with your bare hands? HAHAHA YOU WISH. Chalk up another point for anteaters.
Now onto the main attraction of the glorious beast: its sexy as hell tongue. Measuring in at a whopping 2 glorious feet long (60cm). This means it will eat you out until it tongue comes out your fucking mouth and then some.
This is after it mauls you like the beast it is
Ants shit themselves when they see this thing coming over the horizon, as the sole purpose of this animal is to fucking eat them. It’s in the fucking name, that’s what they were god damned designed to do.But now that you are no longer ignorant, I trust that you too will be shitting yourself at the mere mention of such a creature.
Bears got nothing on this hard-as-fuck beauty. This isn’t your father’s anteater, this shit right here is the real deal.
So remember, when you confront a GIANT ANTEATER in real life, bow before it and offer yourself as a sacrifice because YOU ARE NOT WORTHY TO STAND BEFORE ITS PRESENCE, GOD DAMN YOU.
Go worship a giant anteater today.
You bet I would bow
