Morally Corrupt

I write sometimes, but you mustn’t take it too seriously.

[caught-in-time]

I miss watching him think, the way he’d lean back and look up, like turning corners of his brain, picking it up and looking underneath, his uhms and ahs, letting ideas roll around from side to side

It was such a tease to only ever see gasps and blips of his mind, he’s out there, walking around with that beautiful brain and I’m replaying the afterimage

[caught-in-time]

TIL that red hair dye makes the bathtub look like a crime scene

[caught-in-time]

The mourning after

At night, the brain goes feral, and fucks off all the rules of what reality will and won’t allow,

It uses this quiet, unsupervised time to drench the heart in a sickly lacquer of half-real desires and almost-heavens, all things too good to be true

And you wake up wondering if you’re really that smart after all, wondering who’s really got the wheel when you’re not looking.

You start to wonder how much time really passes when you blink

[caught-in-time]

Catch my fat ass eating cheese b4 bed bc I’d rather have nightmares than endure the morning after seeing his perfect face in my dreams

[caught-in-time]

I want to swallow time and set history alight

The one corner of memory that I wrap myself in to fall asleep at night, spoiled and soured by one tiny, cruel thought

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Translation/summary: brain-damaged freak tries to describe the feeling of regret. Turns to dead internet to air out her ugly, self-absorbed grievances, once again lacking the foresight to think about who may be reading. Time is a flat circle

[caught-in-time]

Last night’s odd dream:

I sat opposite him in a smoke-filled, dim-lit bar. I rolled two dice, they bounced once off the table and into his quick hands. Clutched his fists, opened them to read the number while shielding it from my gaze, then closed tight again, wouldn’t let me see.

I kept trying to open his hands, but he stood up and dropped the dice in a bottle of something whiskey-coloured. Sat back down and, without saying anything, gave a look that said “be honest”, and that’s when I got a little scared. Can’t remember anything after that.

Strange heart and strange dreams, feeling tears me at the seams,

but it’s so sweet, why’s it so sweet?

[caught-in-time]

I love having weird dreams

[caught-in-time]

You mean I’m supposed to just go through this life, all the way through and out the other end to who knows where, all without seeing you again?

[caught-in-time]

You’re still my true blue

[caught-in-time]

You are a bruise that never heals, the part of my thick-scarred heart that still feels

Sometimes, when I’m lucky enough to forget, someone will look at me or laugh almost the way you did, and your flavour of longing floods me again

There isn’t even a word for this

[caught-in-time]

Something is WRONG with my facial recognition bc why did someone I worked with for 2 YEARS smile and wave at me for a full 10 seconds and I had NO idea who he was🧍like why this man staring at me

And of course I only recognised AFTER he walked away 🤩

[caught-in-time]

I worry that the memory of him is taking hold of me again because I have good reason to believe he hates me. That’s pretty permanent :( I wish he never knew me atp, + he’s probably had the same thought too

[caught-in-time]

For FUCKS sake I’m truly starting to think this is some kind of virus. Out of nowhere, after feeling I’d totally moved on for months, I can’t stop thinking about him again.

I had not thought about him for months, except for a few fleeting moments where I realised I didn’t have any feelings for him anymore.

This time it’s with double the regret and shame. This will just keep happening in cycles for the rest of my life. I want him to slap the stupid out of me. What the actual fuck

[caught-in-time]

Time is so cruel, stealing memory and taking homes. It’s not growing up I fear, but growing away. There’s nothing you can do about it.

Each year is a new number to live up to, to fill the here and now, and I have this chronic sickness of living in yesterday,

no matter how faded and degraded the image gets, it’s always so much better than today and all it’s regrets. I think of old sepia sunlight from amidst the grey, all while drifting further astray

Alright wrap it up rupi kaur

[caught-in-time]

Alright strop over, now I’m gonna change 48291 things about my life and discard 90% of my possessions, then eat a chicken burger

[caught-in-time]

I wonder how he feels, travelling to work every day, to the home I was never ready to outgrow,

With a middle-chunk of my heart in a back pocket, bleeding through the desk chair, feeling still classroom air, reliving the scent of fresh printer paper and shelves of aged laminated textbooks.

Roots pulled out of their soil, tendrils reaching in a dead space for the memory of a warmth that once lived there. Nature doesn’t have eyes to know when it’s futile.

Miles detached from where I am, my system has forgotten how it feels to be in one place at one time. I was moving so fast, back then, I ripped open the packet, and the seeds went flying across the room in all directions, parts hidden under the fridge and behind cabinets, in hiding cobwebbed corners that won’t be seen for decades, yet somehow,,

The memory of him is one of those corners, and some viral growth thrives there in unseen dark, clinging to the underside of my windowsill, it’s own murky blood dropping onto my forehead while I sleep.

Like mould, every time I think it’s dead and gone and evaporated, a warm shadow pours over me in the early morning, and half awake, the day greets me with all the delicate melancholy of that specific flavour of longing he planted in me. Without looking, he did something so permanent and devastatingly beautiful. Purple watercolour splotches of a bruise you can’t stop poking and prodding.

And it’s all I feel for days

It’s so hard to describe when you have always feared men. But it’s kind of like walking an entire planet of rain and battering, numbing cold, to find one inch of ground bathed in light.

A heavenly beam that shot down from the ceiling of the universe for millions of miles, defying probability. My skin remembered how to feel, pins and needles. It still rained there, but it felt nice. But it was almost blinding, and sometimes I got dizzy if I stared for too long.

It’s been six years, and the corner I spend most of my energy ignoring, is the one that tells me nothing will ever feel like this again, nothing and nobody else will arouse such awe again.

I left that warm patch of light and dove headfirst into the infinite black cosmos. Swallowed, but I never heard the door close behind me. It happened in an instant, and I’ve been engulfed for years now, even my eyes gave up playing tricks in the dark

And as I float, I carry with me a little undying fire above my stomach and below my heart, that no longer warms me. It just burns.

[caught-in-time]

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