im not sure where to go so i resorted to this. my crutch. my lifeline. my comfort. its where it first began when my first love went wrong. where my feelings burst forth like a waterfall. so here i am again, a dam ready to break. the cracks growing bigger and bigger until im ready to burst.
though these cracks are not like the others were. not before. these cracks seem to mend themselves and while they aren’t forgotten they seem to dim. no other has dimmed them before so surely that should be a sign of something?
but then i feel myself drifting. drifting away from my own body as though i dont even know the girl looking in the mirror. how is it you could get those cracks to mend? others have tried too little too late but you have a spot in my heart somehow.
and yet that spot feels like a black hole. sucking the life out of me. everyday i act as if the cracks arent there, maybe that will make them go away completely. pretend. push. get through. be who you perceive yourself to be. and yet ive never felt more like someone else. someone i never said id be. something i said id never do. yet this slippery slope feels so nice. feels warm like a hug. for when there are no new cracks thw dam feels stronger than ever. like maybe it could withstand the test of time. withstand the current, the trials, the storms.
but those cracks are deep. though mended they are deep seeded and cracking their own. while some days the dam has never felt stronger within mere words it feels like its ready to break. to burst. like the mending was a facade, a dream.
sometimes i convince myself its got to be me putting the cracks there since you seem to believe so. you believe the cracks to be my fault and well, its my dam, clearly im the one who decided whether the cracks are there or not. i decide what a crack is, where it comes from, how large a crack. i have the dam in the first place, no cracks should be your fault should they?
but you prepare to mend them anyways. you tell me later you understand the cracks are caused by you and why should i keep you around since you are the one chipping away at me. yet… you still mend the crack later. you tell me im silly for thinking the crack is a big deal. you think me foolish because i would even have cracks after your countless blows. that your blows to my dam are my fault.
and maybe they are, but not for the reason of cracking. but for the reason i keep around the one who cracks it.
i cannot bare to hurt you as hurting you would only be hurting myself so why bother? can i rip off the bandaid yet again? can i have the courage again? do i break yet another heart in search of something that doesn’t exist?
should i just take what is given to me and be grateful? should i be cracked and cracked again, mended again and again because thats what was given to me?
but when the entire dam is mended, and there is nothing left of the dam that once stood, tall and strong, brave and bright… what then? is the dam even really the dam anymore or is it just compiled of sorrows and forgiveness. even forgivness that were not asked for.
because here is the kicker. how many cracks have gone ignored have been moved past because they werent even significant enough to mend. why mend something so small? so silly?
i think at this i must part with you. take whats left of my dam while there is still some left. i long to feel its brightness again. to feel the warmth of the sun, the rush of the water. i hope i can feel that again one day. but i know deep down if you are still around, mending all your gashes…
there will be no dam left to be had.
2087
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