We are the CB System, a D.I.D. system of five alters (to my knowledge).
You will find information about our system, us, and our DNI/do not interact (reiterated) on our Carrd.
This blog is essentially just me coping with my DID and bad alter communication through mostly K-Pop memes. I will also share my personal experience on some things if I feel it could help someone.
The other alters are, of course, free to post whatever they like, but it's unlikely this will happen anytime soon since they're hiding from me 🥲.
You will know which alter has written each post by seeing a tag that says "Alter: (Name)".
Feel free to ask me anything you want in the ask me anything button, and DMs are open if you want to talk.
AKA: My personal experience with persecutors and being able to trust them, in case it helps anyone.
TW: Hateful and aggressive words, strong language, kind of a PSA
The third alter I discovered, J., is a persecutor. When he first made himself known, he left harsh messages to me on our personal Discord server. Most of them were hateful and some were contradictory to his own words.
Examples:
“The urge to sabotage shit is strong”
“I love you, I want to protect you, but at the same time, I want to see you fucking hurt. Only if I’m the one hurting you though 😏”
“This body is fucking ugly”
“You’d all be better off being me”
He identified himself as a persecutor. He called himself dark and sadistic. And after reading those messages, I was scared; scared of him, of the things that he had threatened he would do. I was hurt by things he had said. Yet, utilising his contradictory fashion, I liked him.
I liked the person I had met co-consciously, even if he called the body that I identify with ugly; even if I was terrified of the things he might do to hurt me; even though he had almost no nice words to say to me, I liked him.
But I didn’t trust him. And trust is the most important part of any relationship, in-system or out.
This was only amplified by my control issues. I wanted control of every situation. I felt the need to ensure that everything he did while fronting was up to my standards, therefore, I didn’t trust him to front alone.
The second and only other time I’ve been aware of him fronting, I stayed co-conscious the entire time; not only because of my need for control, but because he was with my mother. After he had threatened to destroy my life and relationships, was I really about to leave him alone with her?
He urged me to go back inside the inner world. He assured me several times that he was not going to do anything bad, and I didn’t believe him. I watched as he lived up to those words; as he simply pretended to be me and, of all things, got my mother to take him to Starbucks for a frappuccino. And yet, after all that, I was still scared.
I was scared because my mind kept telling me he would’ve done something bad if I wasn’t there. I was scared because I didn’t trust him.
He only spoke to me once after that, if I recall correctly; during a time where my intrusive thoughts, accidentally spoken aloud, had made our little cry. J scolded me, angry that I had upset Joonie. Meanwhile, Joonie’s caretaker, S., tried her best to comfort him.
And then, nothing. J and S disappeared. They didn’t go dormant, as our little explained, but simply decided to go back to hiding from me. After analysing my behaviour, the only logical conclusion is that it’s because I didn’t trust them.
They thought, after all this time, I was ready to know about their existence, and all I did was be afraid of J and afraid to let either of them be alone in my body. A vivid example of my control issues; it always had to be my body, my life, my everything.
There are four other people, to my knowledge, living in this body, but my willingness to share it was zero.
“I’m the host. It’s my body. I’m the real one. I’m the important one.”
And then, in conversation with another system, I began to explain the times that J did front. What can I say for 100% certain he did during that time? What do I have proof of?
He listened to my angry Spotify playlist. He read song lyrics I had written. He pretended to be me and went to Starbucks to get a frappuccino.
I’m not saying all persecutors will behave this way. I’m saying that, until you have proof you shouldn’t, you need to trust them. They are as real as you, as important as you. Your body is their body, and that will never change.
Your lack of trust equals their lack of trust. Who would want to trust someone who didn’t trust them? Who would want to talk to or be around someone who was scared of them? In my experience, not trusting your alters only leads them to run away from you.
Hell, even our little - my caretaker - started ignoring me when I stopped listening to his advice that was supposed to make sure I was well taken care of.
What does that leave you with? Knowledge of a system that has no trust in you; knowledge of alters that don’t want to be near you.
What does all this make me? A persecutor.
Persecutor: An alter that mistreats, controls, and oppresses the system in an effort to create, manipulate, and coerce a desired behaviour; an alter that purposefully harms the body, system, or other alters, or sabotages the system’s goals or healing. They might believe that hurting the system or other alters is the only way to control them or teach them how to behave.
Sounds like exactly the kind of behaviour I’ve been exhibiting, right? In an effort to control everything and make sure my life and body remained my own, I persecuted the very people I was trying to avoid being persecuted by.
After all this, I will take on the label persecutor without hesitation. It is not a “bad” word, nor does it mean you’re a “bad” alter. I can understand now, having experienced this role myself, that persecutors are only ever doing what they believe is right; just as I was doing what I believed was right.
Persecutors are not “bad” or “evil” people. Persecutors are not your enemy, even if it feels like it. They are real people who deserve to be loved and trusted. They are real people who oftentimes desire the same things you do; be it listening to music, Starbucks, any number of things.
They are real people who are only doing what they believe is best for you and your system; what they think will protect you and keep you functioning to the highest level.
Persecutors are real people, and deserve to be shown human decency, love, and trust. And if you do not show them these things, they will do what any normal person would do and stop wanting to be around you.
Their role is just as important as yours. They are just as important as you. And you will not achieve anything by pushing them away.
Take it from someone who did exactly that and got nowhere.
When our little can be four years old, hold emotional aspects of trauma, be my caretaker, and get easily bored at the same time, and somehow still keeps his shit together (unlike me 😬):
