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INCOMING CALL – QUADLOCK CUSTOMER SERVICE HOTLINE – 07:13:58
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:13:58] You've reached the Quadlock customer service hotline, my name's Oscar Piastri. How can I help you today?
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:14:04] Talk to real person, actual person, representative, please, talk to repre–
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:14:09] Sir, you're talking to a representative. My name is Oscar Piastri, how may I be of service?
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:14:15] Oh, uh... sorry. Yes, I'm calling because I'm interested in a shirt. Sometimes they're very tight around my chest, but I don't want it too loose either. Can you tell me the exact measurements?
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:14:24] I'll gladly look them up for you. Could you tell me the name of the shirt you mean, please?
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:14:30] It's the LN1 short sleeve. In white.
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:15:37] Sir, I can't seem to find a shirt by this name in our shop, are you–
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:15:42] Sir! I already told you – I am a representative!
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:15:46] Are you a human representative?
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:15:49] Look, you don't have to worry about AI at Quadlock, we're–
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:15:53] You're not answering my question! I knew it!
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:15:56] Well, if you'd let me fini–
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:15:58] Talk to human! Talk to actual person! Representative, representative, representative!
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:16:13] Are you done?
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:16:16] Depends. Are you human now?
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:16:19] From the very start, mate.
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:16:22] Why are you calling me 'mate'? That's not very professional!
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:16:26] Well, if I'm too professional you start calling me AI, so I don't really know how I'm meant to win here.
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:16:33] You can give an answer to my question! Say it loud and clear: I am a human being!
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:16:39] I am a human being.
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:16:41] See, why was that so difficult? You're not lying, right? I read that AI cannot lie.
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:16:47] Pretty sure it'd lie if you gave it instructions to say 'I am a human being'. Just saying.
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:16:53] Connect to real human! Actual person, please! Representative, representative, human representa–
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:17:00] Okay, look! Do you want help with your shirt or not?
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:17:04] You haven't been helpful so far, so I need to speak to an actual person!
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:17:09] I just couldn't find the shirt you were naming! But we only sell about three shirts anyway, so it shouldn't be hard to narrow down.
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:17:17] You do not only sell three shirts, stupid AI!
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:17:21] Okay, there's no need for– Anyway, as you can imagine I don't often venture into the merch side of our online shop, so excuse me if the exact shirt count isn't fresh in my mind.
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:17:31] Aren't you supposed to be agreeing with me?
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:17:34] I told you I'm not AI!
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:17:36] It's the number one customer service rule for humans too!
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:17:40] Yep. You're so right. I apologise. Please, kind sir, if you'd remind me of the shirt's name, so I can…
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:17:45] The LN1 short sleeve, in white!
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:17:50] We don't– There's no white shirt here! And what's LN1 even supposed to mean? Are you sure you've called the right number?
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:17:58] You're hallucinating now, stupid AI! The shop has plenty of shirts, and plenty of white ones! I can't work with you, so please connect me to a real person now, or you will lose a customer!
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:18:10] Alright. You caught me. I'm sorry for trying to fool you. Clearly you're far too sharp to be subjected to our automated response system. I'll connect you now with our secret actual-human hotline. Please stay on the line.
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:18:22] Finally!
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:18:24] [rustling] [crackling] Beep beep beep. G'day mate! Congrats, you've gone and unlocked the secret human hotline. Name's Oscar. What can I do for you today?
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:18:33] First of all, please pass along a complaint to your managers about the AI you're using! It's trying very hard to convince people it's human.
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:18:42] Sure thing! Sorry about that, mate! I'll pass your complaint along, of course! In the meantime, is there anything I can help you with?
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:18:50] Yes. I want to know the measurements of a shirt–
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:18:54] A shirt, ay? Beauty. If you're on our website – or, honestly, any website in the whole wide world – you should find a sizing chart right there on the same page, easy as that.
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:19:04] Do you think I battled your hallucinating AI just to go back and google it myself? Please look it up for me now!
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:19:11] … Right. Fine. Which shirt do you mean, then? The Quadlock logo men's hoodie, the Quadlock logo women's hoodie, or the Quadlock logo unisex t-shirt?
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:19:21] Oscar. Are you trying to tell me again that you only have three shirts in your shirt shop?
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:19:27] Yes.
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:19:28] Speak to human now! Secret actual-human hotline! Representative, representative, representative!
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:19:35] Not sure what you think's going to happen, except I'll come back with, like, a Scottish accent or something.
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:19:41] This is the worst customer service experience I have ever experienced!
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:19:46] Frankly, same. Also, that might be because you're trying to buy a shirt from a shop that mainly sells phone cases, and you're refusing to accept that you may have called the wrong number!
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:19:56] I have not called the wrong number! I called the name of the shop Lando gave me. Quadlock, or whatever.
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:20:03] Well, I don't know how to help you, then! There is no LN1 shirt in this shop, so all I can do is offer to pass you along to my manager, in case you want to complain about it.
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:20:13] How do I know you won't just put on another voice to fool me?
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:20:17] Because my manager's a woman, for starters–
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:20:20] And? AI can do a female voice no problem!
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:20:24] Shut the fuck up about AI, Jesus!
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:20:27] … wow.
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:20:29] [heavy breathing]
[UNKNOWN CALLER – 07:20:32] This is very unprofessional, Oscar. If you really are human, I think your company needs to look into replacing you with some kind of automated system.
[OSCAR PIASTRI – 07:20:38] If you think that was unprofessional, you're gonna love this…
CALL ENDED – 07:20:41
INCOMING VIDEO CALL TO CARLOS SAINZ'S PHONE – UNKNOWN NUMBER – 07:25:47
[CARLOS SAINZ – 07:25:47] Hello?
[UNKNOWN NUMBER – 07:25:49] Quadrant! You were looking for Quadrant, not Quadlock! Took me three seconds to google, mate! And the measurements are right there on their page! 95cm around chest!
[CARLOS SAINZ – 07:26:01] … Who are you?
[UNKNOWN NUMBER – 07:26:03] Seriously?
[CARLOS SAINZ – 07:26:05] Why are you videocalling me?
[UNKNOWN NUMBER – 07:26:08] So you'll stop accusing me of being AI! As you can see [...] real human!
[CARLOS SAINZ – 07:26:14] A real human would not make these weird motions!
[UNKNOWN NUMBER – 07:26:18] I'm waving my hand in front of my face so you can see there’s no warping, no glitching, nothing! For fuck's sake, what the fuck is your deal, anyway?
[CARLOS SAINZ – 07:26:26] Okay, the swearing is convincing. But then you are too attractive to be a random call center person doing customer service, so I am still doubting.
[UNKNOWN NUMBER – 07:26:36] You're too attractive to be the same level of senile as my fucking pop, and yet here we are!
[CARLOS SAINZ – 07:26:43] Thank you! There… um. There is someone walking up behind you?
[UNKNOWN NUMBER – 07:26:49] Yep. Now you'll get to witness me being fired for breaking every single customer service rule in existence. Just know that, thanks to you, a starving student just lost the part-time job that was keeping him afloat.
[CARLOS SAINZ – 07:27:01] Oh… sorry to hear that! Do you… maybe you want to have dinner with me, later?
[UNKNOWN NUMBER – 07:27:08] Seriously? After all that, you're still shooting your shot?
[CARLOS SAINZ – 07:27:12] How else are you going to eat, if you are jobless?
[UNKNOWN NUMBER – 07:27:16] …
[CARLOS SAINZ – 07:27:19] I have your number now, yes? I will call you after you are fired. Bye, Oscar! Thank you for the measurements, you were really helpful!
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