Tw for topics of ab*se, implied SA
When I say I relate a lot to dogs
I probably don’t mean that the way you think I do
It’s not in the way of unconditional love or always being happy to see people like most people assume
I mean it like in a rescued street dog kinda way…?
I’ve spent my life begging for scraps
Of affection, attention, basic decency,
to not be manipulated into trust just to be put back on the street later
It was a pretty rare occurrence
Standards so low trash looks like filet mignon and I don’t deserve something so nice
Always on the outskirts, waiting for the party to be over to pick through the garbage because I know I’ll be shooed away if I tried to approach before then
I grew up defending myself from the same people who claimed I was safe with them
The moment I didn’t like being pinned down, I became a target
It came with consequences
Ones I don’t know if I’ll ever grow out of
Cause now I can’t tell the difference between the hands that hurt and the hands that love
Was it raised to stroke or to strike?
All be damned if I don’t bite first and ask questions later
I won’t be caught vulnerable
Those are the worst of them
They wait until you’re relaxed
Lull you into a false sense of security
Eventually even the well meaning ones lose tolerance with constant cowering in corners or shaking under tables after 6 months
Not everyone knows what getting a street dog means and they’re in over their heads
Or after needing one too many stitches
“But I’ve only been kind to you!”
Like I’ve never heard that before
But I’m not all teeth and trembling
I also roll over for the wrong people sometimes
Ask them “how small do you want me?”
I give the worst people too many chances cause they’re so much bigger than me,
And I’m afraid that I don’t stand a chance
“life has been hard for them too” I say
Then draw blood from the ones that tried to pet me
I don’t mean to cause harm, I only want to defend myself
Sometimes the lines between the streets and my home get blurry when the fear kicks in and I forget where I am
It’s never been my goal to do anything more than just survive
I’m not sure I even know what love means in the end
I don’t know how to receive the one thing in the world I’ve wanted my whole life
All hands just look like fists to me
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