Always sober thoughts

Let's be marriageable. est 2015. Just a dude wanting to be a Godly man, that's what this is all about. Follow me as I March forth.

[ceejaybt]

Old habits are definitely hard to break. Aight. back to candid thoughts. Enough of actually trying to make sense. I just need to let some the pressure that’s been built up in my chest out and it has a lot to do with what I’m feeling. My impulse is too strong imo. My feelings on what I want to do from what I need to do dances a blurry salsa dance; meaning it’s so confusing I don’t even know where the toes align. What lol. It’s hard to be productive when your body is so used to being so lazy. I know what I need to do, and want to do, but my body has other plans. Because of its strength over my own mentality, what my body desires, I start to want and in turn do not do what I need to do. It’s Romans 7 all over again, yet Romans 8 says there is now no condemnation. Great. Praise the Lord. But it’s still distracting me. 

[ceejaybt]

I hate to be the over dramatic type. That’s just not me, but when recent events reach drama levels at the same pace as what “over-dramatic” used to be, well, It’s going to be a weird and interesting time for everyone. I can’t seem to put it into words without sounding one-sided. This is a subject that needs careful thought and ideas needs to be organized in a very sensitive manner. I also cringe with words as catch phrases like “racism, hatred, and bigotry” are thrown when it’s definitions aren’t being applied in the right context, but just being slathered across the canvas and this brush stroke being applied to whomever people desire without any sort of standard. Just because someone is associated with another’s group. This is pure divide and conquer. 

The fact that regular reasonable people are being grouped with extremists on both ends. Reasonable people forced to pick sides and if one person does not pledge allegiance, then they get accused of being something they are not. When in fact, these are just two extremes fighting with one another like gang rivals. People do not need to pick sides as both are ridiculously evil and bad. How about just love your enemies, love one another, treat people the way you want to be treated. How about just judging people by their character and not by their skin. White or black. 

One thing is for sure; prayers are needed. Romans 12-16 is needed. God will be glorified in all this even in times where it may seem like utter chaos. 

[ceejaybt]

Today came and went. Which sounds a bit uneventful, but a lot of things did happen today. I struggled, I was tested, I held it in; practiced self-control, I kept the right perspective, and I persevered. It was in that pattern that reminded me of God’s unending grace in that I am not stuck to making the same mistakes. There is progress in there somewhere. That’s why I can’t think of anything to rant about. Just thankfulness. I thank God for his providence in my life. I got a haircut recently. A haircut doesn’t happen often and whenever I get one, I am reminded, yet again, of that huge scar in the back of my head. I had surgery up there and was in the ICU in a coma for 3-4 days when I was a toddler. I’m not even supposed to be alive at this point, but here I am doing things living people are doing. I tend to forget because I’m just a normal dude. I feel normal. I do normal things. And in those normal things, I forget to thank God for giving me life for the second time. And because of that, I get to experience God’s handy work in me and in the events that are happening outside of my control. It’s really intriguing and entertaining to be part all of that. 

[ceejaybt]

learning korean day 1

안영하새요. 나는 시체이임니다! 한국 촉움 아라여

What I meant to say: “Hello. My name is CJ. I know little Korean.”

What I actually said translated from google: “I do not know. I am the body! Korea Kwon Ara”

the correct answer:

안녕하세요. 나는 CJ입니다.  한국어 조금 알아여

[ceejaybt]

Submit to authorities, check. Submit to the Word, somewhat check. Submit to one another, check. Submit to God... pending. What does that even mean to be submissive to God. I get it but really though. One example that came to my mind was: time. What am I doing with the time I am allotted? What am I spending my time on, is it my duties, obligations, or responsibilities or am I using it to be entertained? What does it mean to submit to God when he despises those who are idle? Submissiveness to God is aspiring to live quietly, working with my own hands, minding my own affairs; to not worry about the world and focus on the obligations I have been given. 

[ceejaybt]

votd - 7/26/17

and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, so that you may walk properly before outsiders and be dependent on no one. 1 Thessalonians 4:11‭-‬12 ESV

[ceejaybt]

Literally one after the other. Before I can get my head around one thing, another problem arises as if I was content to juggling what I had in life, but before I could sigh in relief, someone tosses a dozen eggs all after each other and before I could even think about how to deal with it, a hammer appears. With blades attached to it like a swiss army knife with jagged handles dipped in grease and it rotates and shifts its weight depending on how it lands... It went from 0 to 100 in about a minute. Now it’s serious; reality just sat in.

If this were me a couple of years ago in tumblr I’d be ranting about it and blaming the world for my woes, but now that I’m a little older. I’m excited for what God will do in my life. I can emphatically say that God will be glorified through all of this. My pain, my struggles, he’s in control of all that and I’m just some dude who is in complete dependence on him. I think I may know what to do; I think I can come up with a plan, do it well, and trust that God has got the rest I can’t control. 

[ceejaybt]

Reading my past posts makes me regret ever deleting my old posts/account back in 2011. I wonder what I was like 6 years ago. Idk if I should be proud or embarrassed, but I guess we'll never know. But now I may have caught the bug to blog again. Soli Deo gloria.

[ceejaybt]

I can honestly do whatever I want at this point. 57 hours a week. That's how much free time I can spend. I'm not rich but I've made it rain to the gutters and sewers. Wasted the time given from the one who created the clouds instead of using whatever I had to water green grasses and red roses; using the the substance that can also make the trees tall and the garden to grow. 57 hours spent on fruitless endeavors, really. After my calculations, I found out that I actually am not that busy. I just spend it on endless YouTube and Korean watching binge. That in itself makes the time go by quicker. I have alot to do and now I have so much time. I just need to be disciplined. Plus I don't have a girlfriend so those 57 hours could be spent all on me. No clue to whether or not I should be depressed at this point lol but at this point in my life: I could do whatever I want.

[ceejaybt]

I think I’ve had enough of laughing. 

Not that I want to sound crazy by saying something ridiculous. Not that laughing is inherently bad but looking to or seeking out things that will make me lol can be a form of escapism that I’ve grown tired of recently; because, at the end of the day, my problems are still there. It never went away. It’s a vicious cycle. After binging through endless videos after another, I become sad yet again when faced with reality then I go back to watching videos. It sucks to suck.

[ceejaybt]

God has a will for me; he has a will for us all. That is what I tend to believe with life and that is a message many others will without a doubt continue to repeat.

"...not my will, but yours, be done."

It's not until you understand what that really means. People say "what God wills for me is greater than what I want and desire" but if what I desire can be as simple as being able to pay my bills, does that mean God has the ability to take even that away? lol I know that I'm being a little rediculous because he can surely do that without hesitation. He probably has a plan in this whole thing that I can't seem to understand. But my point in this whole thing is that God's will cannot be stopped and I just have to trust that God is always good and faithful... to himself and to hopefully has something for me in the very end. Even if that means I lose it all.

The only thing I can do is to pray that God will provide and acknowledge my complete dependence in him every single day even when my emotions says otherwise.

[ceejaybt]

Do not be afraid of sudden fear nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes; For YHWH will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught.

Proverbs 3:18

[ceejaybt]

How did I end up like this?

I'm not the type of person to compare myself to people. I'm not. But try logging out of all things social media for 3-4 months, skip a bunch of gatherings in the same time frame and you come back with a fascination written all over your face. You realize, that people change... Very quickly. And they progress while some have not (das me). Like I said, i don't compare. But can't help but benchmark my progress amongst what I see in other people's facebook dashboard and instgram pictures. All that to conclude that I am far behind. When life has moved on and I'm still stuck being the stagnant, unprogressed-in-life me. I still like to stay home, still fat, still on the computer. How did this post end up from 0 to depressing this fast lol?

[ceejaybt]

Don't twitter much since I have this thing about showing off or rather having nothing to show or being ashamed of what I have to say... lol It's nothing about self confidence, Even on here i think twice and delete a lot of what I already typed. I miss being candid. to the world at least. I'm not up for the stares and the rightful judgement of my mind. My thoughts are sealed and are too random out there for people to walk past and choose to ignore or not. 

[ceejaybt]

My life is as organized as my room. Thoughts spread on the floor like my clothes. My mind is split as the pair of socks on the carpet. My goals are like the dishes on my desk that needs to be washed. My life needs  to be vacuumed up a bit. Needs to look presentable and clean. Dusts need to be wiped. I mean all of this could have been avoided but its gotten to the point where I feel ashamed of my life.. i mean my room. I can't let anyone in. My closet is as dirty as the amazon forest. And It's something my parents are not fond of at this very moment. 

Yea... I can't leave it like this forever. I'm grabbing a broom.

[ceejaybt]

I can't seem to get my butt out of my chair at night and unto my bed. This is where rubber meets the road, or more precisely, where my cheeks unmeet this chair. This is the reality I soon have to come across with every single night at 2 am in the morning of my life. This impending doom that I have to face or the facts that my gluts need accept is that night will end, I will be needing some rest, that I am just a frail human being cuffed with limited energy I soon need to recharge. I can see it already, when tomorrow comes I will probably say that I can't get myself out of my bed because I'm just lazy.

[ceejaybt]

I feel like I erased a part of me when I restored my phone in its factory defaults lol. I don't particularly care for most of the things that is slowing my phone down, but after I pulled the trigger, It just hit me that all my voice memos will be gone. Ikr, it doesn't sound at all important, but 2 years of me were on those audio files. I recorded every class I had taken from my Bible related classes to important recordings of covers my friend did for me. Not sure if this is significant, like if I just turned a page to a whole new adventure and journey. Sadly, I haven't been the Christian I thought I'd be 3-4 years into my conversion. It's been a slow process and at times I feel like I'm regressing so this journey that I mentioned, is leading me far from my destination. All the Bible classes I took are all gone at this point. I might have used them as crutches and promised myself to listen to them when needed, but I can't get them back. Either I'm going to start from scratch, or those two years never happened lol.