Goodbye Weekend

just trying to navigate life and my emotions ;P

[ceepi]

bitches be all about femcels until i'm fat, depressed, don't speak unless spoken to, hate leaving the house and don't want to fix myself _(:3 」∠)_

[ceepi]

i realise i'm going to end up alone and i think i'm fine with that

[ceepi]

so much happening in my head recently..

people are acting very strange and off. i don't like it. when did everything change?

[ceepi]

at least neither my phone nor substances will find someone better than me

[ceepi]

theres too much going on i just want a moment in which everything goes back to the way it was (　˙-˙　)

[ceepi]

I want to be everything all at once

[ceepi]

japan 2026 except make it travelling to a random lake on the other side of your shitty little country

[ceepi]

real life is so hard...

so much drama and work. i much prefer spending my time online or at least locked in my room (ノ_＜)

[ceepi]

h8 that my bsf and ex r like besties

pisses me off that theyre that close especially cause during my relationship w my ex she was weirdly obsessed w my bsf so it feels like theyve just always been a problem

and like thats my bsf im terrified shes gonna prefer my ex over me and replace me or whatever even though she told me before thats not gonna happen but idk

id love to forget my ex or even just ignore the whole situation but thats a bit hard when im constantly hearing about her

plus they keep like flirting and i get its a joke i do that to but what if its not

[ceepi]

so theyre like together or whatever lmaooo

i dont like it cause ive started to really hate my ex overtime and my bsf is hanging with her or talking to her all the fucking time. she told me she wasn't going to replace me but idk kinda feels like thats whats happening.

kinda whatever tho gives me an excuse to isolate myself ⊂((・⊥・))⊃

[ceepi]

so many ideas, so little money. ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ

i want to buy a small sketchbook to carry around with me, i think it'd be fun to draw things i see and also good practice. if i can be bothered i'll go do that this weekend but i might have to take money out of my savings since i still need to buy a birthday gift for my friend. i want to draw my childhood bedroom from memory because i fear i will forget it and i cling onto anything linking me back to the time i lived in england.

i also want to buy more yarn since i started learning how to crochet. ideally, i need to find a good crafts store near me.

[ceepi]

getting high is so fun like why am i looking at some streetlights and am convinced i might as well be in time square new york

[ceepi]

cutting urself after putting it off for so long is such a reward ( T_T)＼(^-^ )

[ceepi]

h8 that my bsf and ex r like besties

pisses me off that theyre that close especially cause during my relationship w my ex she was weirdly obsessed w my bsf so it feels like theyve just always been a problem

and like thats my bsf im terrified shes gonna prefer my ex over me and replace me or whatever even though she told me before thats not gonna happen but idk

id love to forget my ex or even just ignore the whole situation but thats a bit hard when im constantly hearing about her

plus they keep like flirting and i get its a joke i do that to but what if its not

[ceepi]

spam posting but its ok cause its my blog!!

it really upsets me when my mum randomly starts going on and on about how my dad doesnt love me.

i can't just tell her to fuck off either cause she'll just turn on me instead.

i've been thinking for a while that the things she tells me (such as that no one's ever going to love me as much as her, and if all she does is complain about me, what does that say about everyone else?) influence how i perceive relationships and fuel my fears about people who should love me not actually doing so.

i think this might be why i reacted so dramatically when my ex left me, despite knowing her just over a month. she really made me feel loved and i'd managed to love her back during that time. i wanted her to prove what my mother made me believe wrong. if she could love me, everything else was going to be alright. and then she left and i felt like i'd failed and there was nothing really left for me.

ever since then i've been trying to get another girlfriend but i can never bring myself to doing more than just casual flirting and making out for a night. it's exhausting building new relationships. i do, however, still yearn for someone who will show me that they love me and fill the hole. i know a relationship won't fix me, but it'll distract me from knowing what it is i feel, and then i can believe that i am fine.

[ceepi]

every couple of months i remember i have this blog and start posting about situations i refuse to tell anyone i know about

this is so fun actually

even better no one fucking sees my posts BUT theyre out there

and theres always the possibility someone will so it feels less like screaming into the void （＾ν＾）

[ceepi]

aaaa yesterday my friend made an instagram note saying her friend (me) is looking for a gf and four girls replied saying theyre interested (@_@)

i've had two convos w one of them and now i get what its like to be the person messaging someone who cant keep the conversation going (´；ω；`)

one of the other girls i've actually already met once! i've been wondering whether i should be the one to message her first... she's gorgeous and my friend says i've won if shes interested in me and that i have a good chance. i could have replied to a post she made yesterday but now it feels like its too late for that so i'll try to think of something tomorrow

[ceepi]

talking to this girl i met at a concert and her friend told me to be careful kms

knowing me nothings gonna come of it anyway but still

[ceepi]

shit was great and then one day she decides she just doesn't like me anymore 👎