Depression is a nasty and seemingly hopeless thing. It has not been an easy thing to deal with. As a child my father committed suicide and the effects of his leaving have continued to affect me till this day. Writing has always been one of the only things I cling on to as an outlet for that loneliness and pain he had left me with... a bitterness of him not saying goodbye to me before he left.
I’m at peace with the idea of him being gone... it feels like I never really knew him to begin with. I was only 6 when he passed away. But I think about the things I’ve come to learn about him as I have grown up. It’s so difficult to say goodbye to someone you never really said hello to.
I’ve been struggling with the idea that I don’t matter, and that the world is far to complex and harsh for me to handle. I have people around me who love me, but I never truly feel anything from them until I push them away and miss their company. I have done it to so many people in my life...
2019 , I have come to resolve some of my personal issues. After nearly becoming homeless from losing my job, I have applied for grad school. I am going to be getting married in the very near future and I am going to take every day one day at a time.
I also look forward to fulfilling some of the promises I have made in the past, something I know I cannot move on without completing and that is the unforgettable series I have started on AO3. Although so much has changed on tumblr, and AO3 and the spirk community... people who I have come to love so dearly and then pushed out of my life are absent from this journey and I wish only to make it right with them. It is not the same this time around, and I am not expecting anything nearly as presentable as Unforgettable, but it wasn’t my story alone. It was a community piece created by loved ones who inspired me and pushed me. I owe so much of myself and work to them.
The journey will be rocky, and difficult to navigate, but i hope one day my path may find its way to those who have inspired me in the past, and they can see the writer they helped me become. As writing has helped me get through the pain of the past few years, I owe my sanity to them.
<3 with lots of love<3