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17 | she/they | vent acc

[cemeterydrvv]

08.16.22

MAN this blog is old. well not tumblr old.. but old. such terrible memories forever posted on these pages. Gawd. awful to look back on but im glad im better now.

[cemeterydrvv]

7.7.21

this is honestly such a safe place for me. i should use this acc more often :)

[cemeterydrvv]

4.9.21

we're friends again but i barely put any effort into any of my friendships anymore so i doubt this will cause any harm. but if it does this will be a funny post.

[cemeterydrvv]

2.11.21

i never thought this day would come, but we’re no longer friends. after almost 4 years of being best friends it has finally come to an end. if you asked me 2 months ago i wouldn't have even entertained the thought of ending our friendship, but i finally am able to see who she really is. i had been blinded by how much i cared for her and after talking about it with a close friend, i now have finally came to the realization that she doesn’t care about me or her anymore. while things may have started perfectly, she is not that same person i met her in middle school. she changed into a person i can no longer enjoy being around. 

me and my friend confronted her about the way she had been treating us this past year and she was unable to take blame for any of it. she deflected all our points with shitty explanations and attempted to turn it around on us. and after only a few messages back and forth she said she no longer had the energy to argue and that 90% of her time is her just trying not to kill herself. like that's my problem or something. she uses her mental illness to try and excuse the way she has been treating her friends and all the people who care about her. i genuinely hope therapy works for her and she comes out a better person.

[cemeterydrvv]

1.3.21

just came back to say - i am so over her. it took me some time but i’ve finally made it to this point. after being obsessed with her for so long i finally did it. it’s been this way for a couple months but i’m not just realizing it. i don’t feel the need to constantly talk to her or check up on her anymore. it’s so freeing. the other day she said she would always pick hanging out with her boyfriend over me. and besides the initial shock of the rude comment, i felt nothing. i didnt care. it’s like i finally realized it doesn’t matter what she thinks about me or if she cares about me. my world doesn’t revolve around her-my emotions should’ve revolve on her. it took a lot to get here, but i am so fucking glad that i’ve changed.

[cemeterydrvv]

8.15.20

it was getting easier to understand how i felt and then things started to change up a bit. together we entered this new friend group with a bunch of people we didn’t think we’d ever hang out with, and it was super fun. she ended up falling for one of the guys in the group and now they’re together. he broke up with his gf at the time to basically be with her. don’t get me wrong, i like this guy a LOT. i get along with him super well and he’s really funny. he even treats her very well and makes her happy. it just gets me down that i’m not him. i want to be the one who is able to make her smile so effortlessly. instead i’m her best friend with an obvious crush. hearing about the things they do together makes me so happy because i love to see her happy, yet there’s still this underlying feeling of jealousy. and when when the three of us hang out i can’t help but feel sad and left out. i miss the feeling of being able to cuddle up with her. its depressing knowing that it’ll never happen again. the thought of being in a relationship with her doesn’t even seem realistic but i won’t be able to get this fantasy out of my head for awhile. 

[cemeterydrvv]

7.3.20

i don’t have the energy to care for you at all. like no part of me gives any shits about you or your life. you’re way too obsessed with me and i can’t handle that. you make me seem like the bad guy since i don’t care about you nearly as much as you care about me. i wish you would just get over it and realized that i’m a lost cause. you can’t change me. the best thing you can do is just keep your distance. you act like were best friends when we literally never talk, dude, read between the lines. i don’t give a single shit. it annoys the hell out of me when you spam my phone and get mad at me when i don’t respond, i’m not responding for a reason. just because you consider me to be your best friend doesn’t obligate me to feel the same. it’s such a basic concept yet you just want to keep pushing this problem further. by talking shit on my new closest friend will not help your case either. it just brings out your jealousy and makes you look toxic. it’s not cool talking about her like that. she is one of the most important things to me and i don’t know why you thought you could get away talking shit on her to me. if anything you made things worse and have reached the last straw. i don’t want to be friends with someone like you. 

[cemeterydrvv]

6.2.20

i am finally starting to fully understand how i feel about her. i am in love with her, so much it hurts. all i think about is her and just the way she is. whenever i’m on the phone with her i’m never the one to hang up, but i feel as though i take my time with her granted, for when it’s over i feel empty. i want to spend all my time with her, i want to be her person. but i can’t be, but i won’t ever be. because she loves him. she loves romance and is into everything but me.

we’re best friends and i’m not sure if that makes it worse or not. i am the one she comes to when in need of a friend and her problems are almost always about him. when she describes her dreams about him it makes me so uncomfortable and sad. if i were to see her being romantic with another it would kill me. the thought of it makes me so jealous and sad. sad that no matter how much i try, i will never be what is right for her. 

one of the worst feelings is knowing that she might be the only person i feel about this way, and the feelings won’t be returned. i have such a hard time connecting with people, yet when i’m with her i feel like i know everything about her. but when i try to put myself in her shoes, she doesn’t feel the same at all. she just sees me as a close friend, but not too close. 

i wish i were him. i wish i could be what she desires. it pains me that this is the reality i have to live it. liking her is such a big part of me and how i feel about her, yet she doesn’t know. nobody knows. it makes me feel trapped. sometimes i just want to proclaim my feelings to her, but what would that do? make me feel worse is the correct answer. and ruin our friendship. 

anyway, jus lesbian tings. 

[cemeterydrvv]

5.18.20

i miss life before all of this. i want to go back to the normal so badly. i miss hanging out my my friends more than i can explain. the other day my two best friends hung out at the park and it just made it so much more real to me. like they can just walk to the park and sit six feet apart from each other. it made me a bit sad when i saw they were together. i wanted to be there with them. when i imagined the first time we see each other, i imagine all of us. i have a real problem with feeling left out. i just hate it when i see my friends caring for each other more than they do me. makes me feel unwanted and stupid. 

[cemeterydrvv]

5.17.20

things are way better than they were, but recently the anxious feelings are starting to creep back. i thought i didn’t care anymore about the little things, but i do. i hate being your second choice. you don’t know i notice it, but i know you facetime me right after your other friend goes to sleep. and i know when you end the call by saying your grandma is calling that it’s just a white lie so you can start talking to her. 

she’s not even a good person. her morals are fucked and from what i know she seems just like a dumb person. she’s a fucking stupid racist but you still put her in front me. i mean it’s not like you’re going out of your way to hold her in a higher place, but you do. the little things really do matter. 

i wish that when i tell you that i love you that you would actually respond. i’m you’re only friend who really knows and cares about you but you don’t see that. all you see is someone to talk to when there’s no one else. i don’t want to be your last resort, but i also don’t want to not be one at all. 

i know i messed things up pretty bad and maybe this is all my fault, but i wish you would move on and let us be best friends like we used to.

[cemeterydrvv]

2.17.20

okay,,,,, i kinda talked things out with the person i’ve been ranting about all this time. it felt really good to hear he speak honestly to me. but after talking to her i realized it will really never be how it used to. i fucked things up so badly. i don’t think i’ll ever find a person that i connect with like i connected with her.

she still does annoying things though. she acts like all the people we used to make fun of, which is quite annoying. we both used to laugh at people who sent streaks or used emojis unironically, but now she does those things........ idk who she is lmao.

[cemeterydrvv]

Hey! Not to be weird, but your last post rlly resonated w/ me. I’ve been going through something similar with one of my (former?) friends. I hate how much people can change in such a short amount of time :( Anyways, there’s billions of people on earth, and I’m sure someday you’ll find someone who appreciates you xx

not weird at all! it’s great knowing someone else is going through something similar as me. i hope for the same as you<33

[cemeterydrvv]

2.6.20

this is going to be childish and i am sorry.

everything about her irritates me. it’s come to a point that whenever i talk to her, i legit feel insane! she tries to make herself seem cool by posting old pictures of herself with MY dab pen lmao. she thinks that by doing drugs and underaged drinking makes her seem cool. she denies it but everyone can see through her. she acts like every guy is chasing after her, when in reality, no one would be interested in being with her manipulate ass.

she lives her life through lies and exaggerations. everything you have gone through just has to be lesser than what she has. she will always have a worse story than you and no matter what you’re talking about it relates to what she is going through. everything and anything is about her, and if it isn’t, she make it about her. she makes herself seem sad in front of those she wants pity from, but i know exactly what she’s doing. she thinks i’m stupid. she thinks everyone’s stupid. no person is greater than she. i have no idea how people still put up with her.

she only loves the people who know her less, the ones who don’t know the bad. i’ve been there for it all, and what thanks do i get? i was the one who stayed up for nights on end to talk through her shit. i would listen to everything she had to say. i was the only one to listen to her talk about a boy who will never love her. i was the one who talked her through depressive episodes. and i was the fucking one who never stopped listening. no matter what shit she was going through. i made sure i had time for her. she was my fucking best friend and she didn’t appreciate me. i miss the shit out of her, but she’s changed. she pretends to be quirky when really turned herself into a fucking normie. she talks to people that’ll boost her ego. play fake nice so that they’ll think she’s the shit.

i wish i had the guts to say this to her face.

[cemeterydrvv]

1.17.20

i am slowly becoming more and more distant with my best friend. it is something that i want to happen. although i do love her more than most, she is not the person i need in my life. the last thing i need is someone who doesn’t reciprocate the feelings i have for her. but it’s hard to avoid her. we share the same friends and the same classes, it’s impossible to not talk to her. we share our friends only because of me. i introduced her to all these new people, why must we share?

i wish i had a whole other identify. where i was another. sometimes i feel trapped in the world i currently live in. if only there was an escape to a world of my own creation. where i am at peace with my mind and body. somewhere i feel safe and loved. in this world i’m alone. there’s no one who understands me anymore. she was the only one, but she has forgotten. she doesn’t remember how much she used to care. she doesn’t think about how i was the only one there when she needed a shoulder to cry on. all i wanted in return was care and affection. but she didn’t give me the time of day. if only there were a way i could make her disappear.

[cemeterydrvv]

1.14.20

currently at school waiting to get picked up after staying after with my favorite teacher. he was my english teacher in 8th grade and he is literally the best. ever since the midst of 8th grade he became a person i found confortable talking to. i see him as a father figure and i always come to him with advise. today i was able to get a moment with him where i discused my current feelings on lost relationships. over the course of last year me and my closest friend began to distant. it had upset me because i still care about her so much. he told me that i must move on and find other things that made me happy. which i had know but it was good to finally hear it from someone else. talking to him really makes things clear. after our talks i walk away feeling better about the situations i’m in. 

[cemeterydrvv]

I’m slightly only following you because you have a cool url but you seem cool :3

thanbs :)

[cemeterydrvv]

lil update

so after not using snapchat all day i decided to log in to check if i got any messages. i got a couple from my best friend and it felt lowkey good to open them late. i have relied on her for my happiness for way too long and it’s time that i recognize that. i don’t need to reply to her asap to prove i’m enough for her. it’s okay to spend time with myself. i plan on not using snapchat at all during the day and only logging back in at night to check for important messages (and my year ago today).