Mind Dump

2 brothers. Our goal is to write "poetry" frequently for a year. It may not be great, it may not be poetic but it will be us writing. It'll be honest and it won't always be about our own lives. Don't take it to heart if you think its about you.

[cerebralupload]

Timeless to Trend

He said that I was timeless, not a trend. I thought that meant I would be forever. His forever. And I was right. I was the forever loved but not committed to, forever visited and put back on the shelf. I was to forever be his anchor while he drifted in the seas of other men. The shore he docked at between his visits to other lands. When his relationships were struggling or didn't work out, I was the embrace he went looking for. So I rested in antiquity, longing to be more than the trusty steed through his adventures. No one sings of the reliable side kick, no one writes novels about the ever present mount...where is timeless in those stories? They speak of the great storm, the distant land, the trends. So I choose to be that. Be it long or short. I will be the joy that was overwhelming and passed through, the kindness you never new again, the moment you wish you had more of. So when you go back to your Timeless...whoever they may be. I will be the story you tell with smiles, I will be the song that lulls you to sleep. I will be what Timeless longs to be. The fleeting moment always longed for.

[cerebralupload]

Smile of Freedom

He loved you so much.

He held on so long.

He had hope when you gave him no reason to.

He kept his arms open every time you turned your back on him.

He returned even when you knowingly hurt him

He supported you whenever you needed him

He wanted you more than you wanted yourself.

As the years went by and calls went unanswered and pain kept being posted. His hope chipped away.

His love remained but he had no confidence in it being fulfilled.

His desire became longing, his longing became obsession, his obsession became sadness and finally...he let go.

Drifting away from you and not knowing the anchor you grew so used to fell away.

He smiled because he believes in you, because he loves you and because he was free.

If you had cared enough you could have saved him. Stopped him from drifting away.

But you got to used to him coming back that you didn't know how to go to him.

This time you did it.

This time he's gone.

~Pselah

Moments After Suicide

[cerebralupload]

Its moments like this I hear the echo of "you don't seem happy" crescendos and layers on top of all the other noise in my mind.

The day it's hard to wake up and do anything but scroll social media.

It promises to feed the illusion of "1st world" problems where I can pretend to be present while feeling everything farther away from the space is sit in.

I finger clap for the small win that is created by habit and insecurity. I make it to the gym.

Lack luster, just cardio and only enough to get a decent sweat. If nothing else today I can check this off.

I desperately search for what could be causing the lack of motivation, blaming everything and really just blaming myself.

Therapy gold of self accountability point fingers at myself which add to the weight on me

I hold out on spiraling because that looks like calling out of work, pretending I'm okay, curling in bed, eating ice-cream in a self hating pile of blankets and lack of productivity.

I don't want to call it depression. I know people who struggle with that. I know people with situations that could crush hope. For me...I can't even pin point my source.

I feel bad for even feeling this way.

What am I lacking? What right do I have? How ungrateful can I be?

I long for tears that don't come and maybe because my body knows I don't deserve them.

Get up. Move. Look at where you vs where you were.

Cry? How American of you. How privileged of you.

You forget when it was peanut butter instead of doordash.

You forget when it was open windows instead air conditioning..

You forget when it was just tea instead of medicine.

Amnesia left space for you to feel sadness.

Fill that space with movement. Fill that space with progress. Fill that space with productivity.

Move.

~Pselah

Notes From a Brillo Pad

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Rudy Francisco

[cerebralupload]

It'S Hard

It was hard to make decisions because I didn't know where to go.

I didn't know how to set my own path, only to move along the one plotted for me.

I made it look like I took life on a leash and led it, but really, it had me collared with just enough room that you all never saw when it would pull taught and drag me.

It was hard to make decisions because I didn't know where I wanted to go.

It was hard to make friends because they didn't know who I was.

Smile stretched and pleasing people I learned to be what I thought they all needed.

They just wanted to know who I was.

...IDK. The mask without the man, and after formative years, empty. So only my childhood friends existed.

Hiding what I know, nervous of what I don't. I said they don't want me but I sat on the fence not knowing it looks like a high horse to those lucky to always run in the grass.

It was hard to make friends because I don't know who I am.

It was hard to hold love because I set the table but never sat.

Thinking they left me when really they had just made it through the food to see the chair empty across them.

Too busy cooking. Too busy decorating. Too busy building a longer table. Too busy to say now presenting...me.

I put out everything I had to my own resentment but never myself. Who is the chef...they'd ask. With no answer, a seat once warm grew cold again.

It was hard to hold love because I never showed who was behind the gifts.

It was hard...

It is hard...

To know who I am, where I'm going and to who I show myself to.

Three brothers. This one cries and chases the future. This one laughs and chases the past. This one does nothing...grounded by indecision.

~P.Selah

Moments After Suicide

[cerebralupload]

You asked me if I think he's the one.

I don't know.

But I know when I think one of the happiest moment of my life was...

It was holding your hands walking down a street after a night of dancing at a club.

And when I think about that being taken away...

That's a sadness I've never gotten over.

A happiness I never stopped longing for.

So when u ask if he's the one...idk...

But I know there's few moments that mattered like that.

P.Selah

~Notes From a Brillo Pad

[p-selah]

Detached

I tend to attach myself to people who detach too easily. I'm starting to wonder if it's a trait I'm inherently and unconsciously attracted to. The issue lies in where I will always stand beside them come hell or high water...they will leave me standing alone come flame or rain drop.

I'll hold the fire extinguisher out and umbrella over to protect them but the simple presence of calamity in their life has them walking away. I would chase them to protect them, to support them, to be everything I said I would be. They tell me I'm perfect but...

But I've learned that you just have to let them go. They need within themselves to be their own protection, their own savior.

I'm learning to detach.

I wonder if that's where they learned it. Having the ones who should be there with you leave you. In the way they seem to leave me holding the reigns of our relationship. I would ride through every hurdle you face with you... if only you didn't think you had to do it alone. You don't know what it is to be an Us.

I wonder if they know they are creating more people like them...in their desire to be attached but default to be alone. It's as though they want a partner but don't know what that means.

~ P.Selah

Enough Friends and Fuck Buddies

[p-selah]

Can You (Stand)?

You were the light of my world.

There was never a need to cry hard

I still dream of having the time on my hands to chang the ways I could fight for you.

I wanted you. I want you.

But I don't want your reasons why you can't even look me in my eye.

I would tell you it every day and show it in every way.

So don't make me say it one more time but I will if that's what you need.

You left me in spirit first, in mind second but when you physically went away

Moonlight took the day

The stars and darkness all collided in the loneliest of space.

And I was left alone in the emptiest of ways begging you.

Will you stand?

Can you stand the rain?

When summer's gone and there's no use in weighing out your own depression all the time.

Or will you seep deeper into blame and give fuel to reasons to stay away.

When you went away

Moonlight took the day

Stars and darkness all collided in the loneliest of space and I was left in the emptiness of the space you thought was a gift.

When you went away

My universe divided

All that was left is the matter of asking myself

Will I stand or will I faulter?

You'd never look past what you thought you needed to do to see how what you did destroyed me.

Will you lean into the timeless bending never ending battle in your mind?

Or will you prosper?

Will you recover after all the love you've lost and lost again?

Will you stand, stand, stand?

Can I stand?

The universe divided over all of me and I've been looking deep into my soul

Finding my reflection in the mercury and turning my transgressions into gold

I knew you would be miles away but you told me you had a plan and I committed to love you through it.

Can that commitment stand?

Can you stand the pain, baby?

Can I stand?...

Or will we succumb to the tumbling of our souls through wars of heart and mind.

It's just me...I've been here standing for you.

You don't have to run so hard...so hard.

Our love is nothing to fuck with.

You don't have to run so hard...so hard

Stronger than you think...you're nothing to just fuck with.

Heaven is so far.

Oh I knew you would be miles away

You say you couldn't stay, no way...

baby, I don't blame you

But I miss you, so desperately

Can you stand the rain?

Even through the pain when they call you baby its not me so they call you out your name

But you still stand in that rain...even through the pain

When they call you baby you ignore the pain...temporary love.

Can you make it through all the things your mind says?

Can you make it back to me...

I miss you desperately.

~Pselah (edit of Stand by Yebba)

[p-selah]

Brail

Your art inspired me.

The way you evoked thoughts challenged me.

Your gaze even through cameras made me feel seen.

I existed once more because of you.

I saw the freedom in your style and felt like i was flying.

Sensed the mystery in your body and was seduced.

Everything you presented, while curated, gave me more of you than I knew of myself.

I wanted to know you deeper.

As though getting to experience you would unlock parts of me unknow...at first...it was just to make u happy.

How can anyone stand to see an angel sad? your vulnerability taught me to care.

If nothing more I wanted to support you as you learned to fly again, let the air from your wings blow through my hair as you reach for the sky again.

Like racing down open highways there was something more you had behind you...

And the key was hidden behind your yet experienced life.

You presented as treasure map, as road map, as map quest, as Google Maps, as the route through the ages.

And the destination is going to be amazing...I hope I'm there to see you land.

For only beauty can blossom from where you stand.......don't stop.

Don't ever let the mire of this world stifle you again.

Move fluid as you must with no anchor for pain, find whole within yourself.

As your light fills so many others let it pour into you too.

The world could never have what you need...you are what it needs.

The rare energy bubbled up from the core and made flesh. Without you this world has no life.

You are warmth. You are growth. You are inspiration. You are hope.

You are what is good and drawing and pushing and pulling...you are THE moment...you are our torque.

Unknowingly the world revolves because of your movement...keep going.

Keep going.

Keep growing.

~P.selah

Enough Friends and Fuck Buddies

[p-selah]

When I Wake Up

I just want to hold you and feel peace.

I just want to know rest.

I want to know safety.

I want be open and naked.

I want to be vulnerable.

I want to feel your energy mingle with mine

I want to feel growth

I want to feel flow

I want to see the galaxies behind your eyes and not feel trepidation to explore.

I want to see connection.

I want to see new.

I want to feel the pulsing of your soul directing the rhythm of my heart beat.

I want to feel caress.

I want to feel soft.

I want to know that every part of me is of interest and value.

I want to know intention.

I want to know truth.

I want to feel smiles and laughs that come from knowing happiness.

I want to feel...

Secure.

~P.Selah

Moments After Suicide

[p-selah]

Fuck Somebody

You ever just want to fuck somebody?

And not just some body but that Somebody.

Like when you see them smile you can feel it in your loins?

Like they even have you saying shit like loins.

The way they smell unlocks memories you didn't know you had of pornos past.

The replays start flashing by and you're in every one like when did I make that video?

Thinking onlyfans might not be that bad but ur only fan of that one ass.

Have u saying shit like I miss the way you taste.

We know good pussy don't really taste like shit but your pussy is great.

It must have been marinated in something other worldly because my mouth salivates just from kissing it...you..it...I...love the way you feel.

Legs spread as though funnel, I am grain and your are mill.

Grind me to new man. Make me meal, make me more than I was before and now for human consumption you make me ready.

I want to fuck you.

No, not make love because I don't really know you but I want to and maybe cart before horse but desires know no boundaries.

We can catch our hearts up to our touch.

We can catch our spirits up to our kiss.

We can catch our minds up to this dick.

I just want you...and only you.

Bring that ass here.

~P.Selah

Enough Friends and Fuck Buddies

[p-selah]

I'm tired of laughing through it

I'm tired of being the one to love myself the way they should have.

I'm tired of all the euphemisms that mask the unhappiness of being alone.

I love myself. I don't love feeling like I'm the only one who does and I'm not weak for feeling that way.

There's not enough poetry, motivational speakers, religion and self help books to make me feel like laying in my bed alone is better than or equal to the warmth that only the combination of mutual love and body provide.

My soul is cold.

My heart is hardened but longing

My mind is focused on doing well enough that no one ever notices my proximity to emptiness.

I can only pour into myself so much...where is this untapped spring that fills me?

If not love then what?

~P.Selah

Notes From a Brillo Pad

[cerebralupload]

Slow Cooked

I woke up crying

And after an hour of dried eyes balling I started to feel my physical self crash.

My heart fell apart like perfectly barbecued meat.

I guess this had been a slow roast

Finally hitting the point of doneness that life lessons seemed to like.

And while I felt the juices drip down my soul, anger welled up to be the plate for this meal.

Why the fuck. God?

What is the purpose of someone who can't push through their shit for me when I am willing to be there through it?

Why am I not good enough to motivate?

What is the purpose of love not strong enough to last?

Why is leaving me behind always an option?

Why am I not worth it?

Why the fuck?

The questions and self doubt and pitty roll up to be my napkins.

They wipe my eyes dry before they even fill up.

Your words still linger with me.

You didn't have the strength to end it but you had the mind to leave me.

They cut like knife and fork not needed, easier for you to give up.

"Remember the truths I told you."

Was your constant reminder that you didn't want this anymore hid behind the battles you waged and deemed yourself not worthy.

I released your steam valve but it was me that cooked. While you breathed relief from responsibility I sighed pain.

Heart tender, loose...falling apart again.

I sit here and stew with a whisper quiet steam rising off me.

Why am I not enough?

~P.Selah

Moments After Suicide

[cerebralupload]

Text From My Ex

We were great lovers but better friends.

Sex had left our relationship so long ago that it became inside jokes, idle ass grabs and cuddling.

We had the jovial bickering of an old couple who knew each other too well.

But we weren't old enough to forget the fire that brought us together in the first place.

Put out so long ago, but every once in a while the embers let off a spark that made us feel we could do it again.

Only issue is it came up when we were cross country...or in love with someone else.

You gave me a week to decide this time.

Last time was just a few days but the stress was still the same.

"You will give up your life long dream...if I love you."

"I have to leave the one I'm with...if I love you."

How could you ask me this if you love me?

How can I be the reason you move to a place you hate knowing you'd resent me?

How could I leave the one I'm in love with when they did me no wrong?

Yes, I love you

Yes, I want you to be happy.

But why must my love be tested by ultimatems when sparks fly?

Do you not see what you're doing?

You dangle our relationship like holly above my head.

To be snatched away when you feel too strongly or when I don't answer you fast enough.

What happened to the two and a half years where you got to do what you wanted but I have a week...

The very thing that poured mud on our fire reminds me that compromise is not something you know well.

If shoes were switched I would have respected your life while being honest about my heart.

Because for me even a good friendship is enough to feel we'll never be apart.

I could stomach not being your man if knowing I could still laugh at your stories.

But you wanted all or nothing. Your emotions always took precedence over mine.

So we won't talk for a while. Maybe forever this time. Maybe not.

But we were always better friends.

~P.Selah

Moments After Suicide

[cerebralupload]

Daydreaming

I woke up this morning thinking about you.

Not just you...but us.

Mind wandering

I thought that maybe I should have tried harder.

To know love with other people but know that there is greater in you...

My mind really never moved past, just moved on.

You were the feeling hung from the rear view mirror.

Still moving forward but the only thing I see. I'm looking backwards.

I wonder if I just have FOMO.

Fear of missing out on the wonderful expressions of love that you've done for others.

Fear of never exploring a spark I never felt with anyone else.

I value our relationship.

But far be it from me to not wonder if only I had tried harder.

I could have moved.

I could have been more honest.

I could have...I should have.

If love is the greatest emotion then there should be no limit for it.

And while I'd give my all to what we have now.

I'd have given even more to what I dream we could have.

Recognizing the limitations location, situations and relationships have put on us I respect the lines of our life.

Praying that our paths entangle forever I settle to watch and encourage you.

And while my pride would never say it out loud... I root for anyone who can love you the way I do.

Hoping they realize what they have the opportunity of experiencing and that they express their love and gratitude the way I would or better.

But I was just thinking about you.

I hope you have a great day...

Friend.

~P.Selah

Enough Friends and Fuck Buddies

[cerebralupload]

I Voted Sticker

You make me feel rejected.

Like a ballot filled out wrong...

You never wanted to elect me your man.

But I campaigned the best.

Running every ticket to the ground, backing every promise with action

This is why I'd never succeed in politics...I tell the truth.

And where's the excitement in fulfillment?

It's better to chase than to achieve.

You must enjoy the process but never make to enjoy the coronation.

You look past me again...

Seeing all the other candidates but I'm the on that got the party votes.

All your people love me.

I am what you said you wanted but my challenges are worn on my sleeve.

Don't you prefer the enemy you know?

Well here are mine... no lies, no excuses.

And while my texts fall to "oh I was busy" and his are answered in haste...

I know the truth of your intentions.

I feign ignorant just to hope one day you'll appreciate my consistency...

Showing you what commitment really is.

I've stood ten toes down, two arms spread and one smile wide waiting for your support.

Faded ticker tape and helium soft balloons wait for the day I'm announced as your pick for this race.

Will you come out and vote this time?

-P.Selah

Moments After Suicide

[cerebralupload]

World...Stop

The air doesn't move when I think about you.

No breeze blows across my cheek. No wind in my hair.

I'm sure its because the earth stops.

Waiting to see if you feel the synapses in my brain that trigger thoughts of you. It's really the world's greatest movie.

Holding our breath till the next step.

Will he realize you love him?

Will he even respond to your text?

It's called The Long Game.

Greatest cliff hanger that has you holding on. Knowing that he'll choose countless others before realizing I'm the one.

I won't just disappear into his memory.

Not nagging but the random reminder that someone cares about you past stale dinner dates and hook ups. Is all you'll still receive.

Does he see you the way I do?

Maybe.

The real question is do you see me?

Willing to play in your garden till the day you invite me in. I've been lighting at your doorstep forever.

And you like it because how else could you find your way in the dark?

I've been your light house back to who you really are.

When you get lost on their islands and realize there's no more ways to expand...you remember your home.

But the intrigue of the future behind those doors keeps me here.

And here I am welcoming you if only to make sure you're ok.

The door mat back to your safety. You would wipe your dirt off on me even when you thought your shoes were clean.

I wait for the day you take me seriously.

You rub my head and ask why I'm so perfect...yet lay in the arms of another.

I miss it.

The times when you would lay on my chest.

Little did I know that you were just building your door step.

Maybe I should move on.

Maybe one day.

We'll both be happy.

~P.Selah

Enough Friends and Fuck Buddies