crown heights baby

[ original character. idolverse. literate. ] est. 2014

[spctlessminds]

based on this suggestions blog.  warning:  these are pretty dark/angry  &  could be triggering to some people.  please be cautious before proceeding!!

‘  all i want in my life is for my friends to be able to touch me suddenly  &  me to not flinch away without meaning to.  when will this stop affecting me?  ’ ‘  all i want is to be soft  &  gentle,  but i’m made out of steel  &  anger.  maybe in another life,  i guess.  ’ ‘  beauty is in the eye of the beholder,  so choose to see beauty in everything.  ’ ‘  burning it all to the ground  &  force them to start again.  they made you lose everything.  now return the favor.  ’ ‘  do i ever even cross your mind or do i do all the thinking of us on my own?  ’ ‘  do you trust me enough?  do you trust me at all?  ’ ‘  don’t you dare abandon me.  ’ ‘  even after all you have done,  i will always want you fighting on my side.  ’ ‘  every time i see you smile i fall in love with your brightness all over again.  ’ ‘  everyone i have ever loved is long gone.  i sing to the sky alone.  ’ ‘  everyone i touch gets hurt,  but i can’t stop.  i touch  &  i touch  &  i touch  &  people get hurt.  why can’t i ever stop?  ’ ‘  everyone says i used to be a hero,  but i can still taste the blood in my mouth  &  still feel bruises blooming because of my fists  &  my eyes are still stretched wide  &  terrified.  ’ ‘  everything i love has been taken from me.  what do i have left to fight for?  ’ ‘  fall in love with someone that makes you feel strong.  ’ ‘  friends are more important than any material object will ever be.  ’ ‘  i am aching to hold you  &  keep you safe,  to be pressed against you so that nothing can harm you.  ’ ‘  i am divine  &  you will bow before me.  ’ ‘  i am fucking divine.  ’ ‘  i am in control  &  i listen to no one.  ’ ‘  i am not a good person.  don’t pretend i am.  ’ ‘  i am not accustomed to love.  this is a learning experience.  ’ ‘  i am not worth saving  &  i am not worth redemption.  let me stay in the dark.  ’ ‘  i am so tired all the time,  all i want to do is rest.  ’ ‘  i am too tired to deal with any of this.  ’ ‘  i bow to no man.  ’ ‘  i broke into sharp pieces when i broke  &  i expect someone else to hurt their hands on my edges just to put me back together.  i’m sorry.  ’ ‘  i can give you your wings back  &  i can show you to fly once more,  if you only believe in me.  ’ ‘  i cannot be saved.  ’ ‘  i can’t ask for help because if i ask for help it hurts people.  i can bear this weight on my own.  i have to.  ’ ‘  i could taste the lies in your mouth every time i kissed you,  but i loved you too much to notice.  ’ ‘  i crave affection in the simplest way.  ’ ‘  i deserve to hurt.  i deserve to bleed.  ’ ‘  i didn’t ask for any of this so don’t you dare blame this on me.  ’ ‘  i don’t care if you say my name like it’s poison or like it’s a prayer,  as long as it leaves your lips.  ’ ‘  i don’t fight for you anymore.  ’ ‘  i don’t want to let go of you.  not now,  not ever.  ’ ‘  i don’t want to talk about it.  i don’t want to remember.  i don’t want to heal.  all i want is for it to go away.  ’ ‘  i don’t want you to touch me.  please don’t touch me,  just go away.  ’ ‘  i feel anger deeper than my bones.  i feel anger in my very soul.  ’ ‘  i feel nothing at all,  except for when i feel everything all at once.  ’ ‘  i have fallen  &  though i may miss the sky,  i belong here now.  ’ ‘  i have fallen from a height your mind cannot even imagine.  ’ ‘  i have no home anymore.  ’ ‘  i remember collapsing in the flames with a sword in my hand  &  then i remember nothing.  ’ ‘  i see beauty in everything,  but especially in you.  ’ ‘  i should never have fallen in love with you.  ’ ‘  i thought for a long time that i was so terrible no one would look at me.  now i know it’s because i shine so bright they are forced to look away.  ’ ‘  i was so caught up in the feeling that i forgot how to breathe.  ’ ‘  i will never amount to anything.  i am a failure in the worst type of way.  ’ ‘  i will tell myself that the burn of my loneliness in my chest completes me  &  maybe someday it will be true.  ’ ‘  if that’s what a hero is i’m glad i’m not one anymore.  ’ ‘  if you ask me to,  i will set the whole world on fire,  my dear.  it’s all for you.  ’ ‘  is it my fault?  it’s my fault.  it’s always my fault.  ’ ‘  it’s not murder if they deserved it,  right?  ’ ‘  i’m drowning in emotions that don’t belong to me,  choking on anger  &  suffocating on sadness.  ’ ‘  i’m in love with everything that hurts me.  ’ ‘  i’m okay.  i’m alright.  this is all in my mind.  ’ ‘  i’m ready to give up everything i’ve ever had if it means someone will love me.  ’ ‘  i’m so cold  &  i can’t stop shaking.  i am not who you think i am.  ’ ‘  i’m so tired all the time  &  i just want to be awake again.  ’ ‘  i’m tired of fighting against the pain of being forgotten.  i just want someone to remember me.  ’ ‘  i’m tired of fighting everything in my life.  just make it stop.  ’ ‘  i’m too tired to care.  blow up,  get angry at me.  i’m sure someday i’ll realize i deserved it.  ’ ‘  jealousy burns within me.  ’ ‘  just let me go in peace for once in my damn life.  ’ ‘  loneliness is a disease  &  it leaves me empty  &  hollow,  like sound goes through my body  &  bounces back.  ’ ‘  made of starlight  &  sunshine,  i shine brighter than they all know.  ’ ‘  my anger is righteous  &  my actions are pure.  ’ ‘  my chest aches  &  my lungs burn.  this sickness comes from the inside.  ’ ‘  my chest hurts  &  all i need is some comfort  &  understanding.  ’ ‘  my chest hurts  &  i ache to go back to the sky.  ’ ‘  my shoulders are aching where wings used to be  &  all i want is for them to stop hurting.  ’ ‘  pull me apart  &  piece me together in your own way.  make me perfect.  ’ ‘  righteous fury throws through my veins  &  if you touch the people i love i will destroy you.  ’ ‘  rise up.  you can’t keep being small when you were made for so much more.  ’ ‘  say my name like it’s the only one that’s ever been on your tongue.  ’ ‘  so much blood has been spilled in my name.  time to make you believe it was in yours.  ’ ‘  so you’ll worry about me when i fall silent,  but not when i scream  &  plead for help?  fuck off.  ’ ‘  sometimes people have to get hurt for me to get what i want.  ’ ‘  stay away from my fucking friends.  stay the fuck away or so help me i will destroy you.  ’ ‘  stop treating me like i’m an idiot.  you aren’t better than me in any way  &  you better remember that.  ’ ‘  the bitter taste of regret is ever present on my tongue.  ’ ‘  the world is spinning far too fast for me to stay on it.  ’ ‘  to love them is my divine right.  ’ ‘  voices whisper from the shadows  &  they fill my mind with thoughts of you.  ’ ‘  what did i to wrong to be so unloved?  ’ ‘  what is the point of power if i’m not supposed to use it?  ’ ‘  who the fuck do you think you are?  ’ ‘  why can’t i ever fucking stop crying?  ’ ‘  with a new year comes new tests  &  triumphs.  let’s try to make the most out of it.  ’ ‘  would it really kill you to be honest for once?  ’ ‘  yes,  i remember my wings breaking  &  being destroyed.  i was powerless to stop it.  ’ ‘  you are not required to love your parents,  or to even like them.  ’ ‘  you can’t hate me more than i hate myself,  but you are more than welcome to try.  ’ ‘  you may say you love me,  but you love only a part of me.  i am too complex for you to ever love my entire being.  ’ ‘  you never fucking cared about me.  don’t fucking lie about it.  not to me.  ’ ‘  you remind me of mint.  fresh,  sharp,  kind of cold,  but in a nice way.  i always knew there was a reason mint was my favorite.  ’ ‘  you shine light in even the darkest parts of me.  you are my sun.  ’ ‘  you should fear me,  but you don’t.  i will be eternally puzzled,  yet grateful.  ’ ‘  you touch me  &  my skin burns  &  it burns for you,  always you.  ’

[cesagi-blog]

jzhouuu:

☯ @cesagi· who did it baby?and&& do you need savin’?  

jourdun started her day everyday bright and early, which would be, getting up and working out and a bunch of there things.  on this particular she had other plans, it was hitting 930 and she was never at the Crown buliding early.  but she had heard Bunny had made her way back over to the motherland, she wanted to see her.  knocking three times before getting permission to come in(in reality she didn’t wait, she just did a quick pause before going in.)  “i heard my boss is back in town?” she said with a soft smile before placing a small Chanel gift bag on Bunny’s desk.

♛ cece didn’t usually keep the door to her office closed and even when she did, most of the artists and staff knew there was free reign to just come in. much like how jourdun did at that exact moment. a small smile played on cee’s lips as she simply nodded at the other woman’s words. it hadn’t been long that she’d been back in seoul permanently, so she was still making her rounds in seeing people. but, leave it to j to track bunny down of her own accord. “a gift? for me? aw, you shouldn’t have.” a pair of hands accessorized with a silver chrome manicure and several rings reached out to grab hold of the bag. “how’ve you been though, jourdy?”

[cesagi-blog]

@mug40 ♛ is in the presence of a queen, bih!

♛ cece’s feet were resting on her desk, revealing a pair of pastel purple converse (who was she to not represent golfwang on the bottom of her shoe) that matched perfectly with her purple shades. the afternoon had been going about as slow as humanly possible (in her opinion), which led to her practically hanging out of her chair from boredom. “when i came back to seoul, i didn’t take into account the fact that i’d have days where i’m glued to an office chair.” her words were spoken to her company, andrew, as he sat on the other side of the large white desk. granted, she had been waiting on an important phone call all day and her office chair was luxury leather, but that didn’t make it any less boring. “want me to order takeout?”

[cesagi-blog]

baskuiat:

He hadn’t expected that kind of response. It hit him with a sharp pang and made his anger subside. It was just like Tommy to raise his voice and expect everyone to shudder beneath it, but had he forgotten? Kendra and him had been through the motions; the ups and downs, the breakups and make ups, the whole, “I loathe you, no, wait, I love you.” Yet somehow her refreshing honesty always caught him by surprise. 

With a look cold as ice, he stared across the table at Kendra, thinking of the ways in which he could address her heartfelt confessions. He would be a fool if he tried to pretend he did not know how much she cared for him, throughout the years how she tried often too desperately to bring him back. He knew too well and it was that guilt that kept him away.

Tommy diverted his eyes. The couple besides them were giving each other looks, words exchanged in hushed tones. He cocked an eyebrow and they turned their faces, realizing they had been caught. They probably recognized Bunny. With her blonde hair and designer clothes, she wasn’t exactly part of the masses. That was the deal when you associate yourself with the rich and famous: you always have to be on your best behavior or else the netizens will get them. You are no longer allowed to yell about infidelity and broken trust in a restaurant. Even if the place isn’t quite one for those that drive Camrys and go to Disney. He shook his head with a roll of his eyes, annoyed at the whole situation.

“What is it you want, then?” he asked, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. “Me?”

Healthy, loving, happy. That was a version of Tommy that rarely saw it’s way out. In many ways, he figured, what Kendra really wanted, what she fought for, didn’t exist. It made him feel empty and broken, and so on the really bad nights, when he could no longer see a way to reconcile with himself, he would simply choose to stay the same—sick, sinning, and sad.

“For someone that seems to have thought it all,” he said smugly, “you surely can’t tell me exactly what you want. Why’s that? Is it that it’s now your turn to push away?” 

♛ "still acting as though you’re too good to have a conversation without some sarcastic rebut--”

kendra’s words were cut short by the sudden (and much welcomed) appearance of their waiter who was coming to see if they were ready to order. ha. they could probably feel the tension from all the way in the kitchen; she was sure the couple next to them were unapologetically staring. she was used to it, sadly. that didn’t mean she liked it however. any type of emotion shown seemed to tip the scales in either direction for her. and both directions came with their own fair set of pros and cons. it was probably why she preferred to be in the confines of safe spaces rather than out in public. thus-- she only had herself to blame for this one.

having placed her order first, a chicken alfredo paired with glasses of white wine and lemon water, her attention was focused on her phone as he did the same. she should have really thought this one through. there was a certain level of stupidity in admitting that she still wanted tommy, kendra knew this. and yet here she was, like plenty of times before, letting her heart do all the talking. several different messages popped up at once, completely drowning out the sound of tommy and the waiter talking. or rather, the messages were an excuse for her to drown her company out. even if only for a brief moment, considering that the waiter made his impending absence known by asking for her menu back.

the silence between the two reminded her that she was just about to snap on him if she hadn’t been interrupted. and while a big part of her was still wanting to give him a piece of her mind, she didn’t have the energy to do it anymore. any of it, honestly. it had only been pushing ten minutes and yet here she was already exhausted. ‘ that’s what they call feelings ’ her mother liked to say. and kendra liked to promptly disagree. as she did every time any mention of her company was brought up thanks to her mom.

“i’m not pushing away, tommy. but since you’re going to insist i say what you already know, then fine. what i want is you. but, if we’re being all cards on the table honest... i don’t trust you.”

this time there was no hiding behind sunglasses or focusing her attention elsewhere. the answer was given firmly and honestly while she looked at him. it wasn’t that she thought he was a bad person, but he just wouldn’t be the one she’d call at 4am when her world was caving in on her. sure, he had been once upon a time. hell, he’d been there for some of her worst nights. but those nights were long past between the two of them. 

[cesagi-blog]

ljaeun:

for @cesagi

“Hello Cece eonni!” Jaeun bowed politely before her senior. “I, um, was hoping to ask you for something.”

Jaeun had been working on her follow up release plans to continue a good flow of work from “Wanna Date Me?” promotions. This time she wanted to work with many people to make something special with her new label mates.

“Do you think we could work on a track together?”

♛   bunny’s attention was quickly claimed (and her steps halted) by the actions that jaeun took to greet her. a slight eyebrow raise was accompanied by a smile at the others request. features weren’t something that bunny did often anymore. or rather, as often as she had some years prior. however, that didn’t mean that she was going to turn the girl down. adjusting the miniature white backpack that was hanging off one shoulder, bunny started to walk again, motioning for jaeun to follow

“i hope you know i’m going to make sure you get proper rest first. but aside from that, do you have something in mind?”

[cesagi-blog]

@tvnmark ♛ continued from here!

♛ i hope you already know how much i’ve been missing you, i’m sorry i have been so busy. can you believe this is my first full stay in seoul since january last year? it seems surreal. but! i’ll have you know that i actually am plotting something and seeing that i do trust your ability to keep a secret, i’ll tell you. i’ve been working on an album off and  on for the past year and a half. i’ve also been making a lot of moves stateside to widen the western bracket that crown’s artists can have. it’s been exhausting, but i think... i think it’ll pay  off sooner than later for them. it is nice to be back, though. mostly because i seem to work better here. i think it’s because i’m back around most of the things and people that inspire me.

[cesagi-blog]

@ahnyenah​ ♛ is in the presence of a queen, bih!

♛    "don’t you think you were a bit harsh on them?”

bunny’s words were in reference to two fans in the store that had tried to stop she and yena for a photo that the latter had bluntly refused. the two girls had continued on their way though both continued to look back at the two women as they walked for quite some time. while bunny did succumb to the stress of her position at times, it had never crossed her mind to turn away someone that was obviously a fan. and though she was sure that the younger had her reasons, she was curious about them. “do you turn down everyone,” she asked as her attention seemed to be captured by several different tops that were hanging on display.

[cesagi-blog]

@tsumtsm​ ♛ is in the presence of a queen, bih!

♛    dainty manicured fingers were occupied with reaching for one of her many french fries while bunny’s other hand kept a firm hold on her phone. while she’d had no intentions of going anywhere but home to sleep (jet lag was still a thing that was taking over), she had been cornered by summer into grabbing a bite to eat. and seeing that it had been some time since she’d been around some of her artists individually, she indulged the other with company. and here they were, sat across a booth from each other and scarfing down greasy diner food. what a time to be alive.

“what have you been keeping busy doing,” bunny finally had the chance to ask, seeing that the other had been curious about bunny’s whereabouts and doings for the past few months. thankfully by time she’d asked the question, she had managed to snap the photo she wanted on her phone and was able to put it down and indulge in her meal. “have you been in the studio or keeping yourself occupied with individual activities for now?” her question was in reference to the group venus as a whole.

[cesagi-blog]

“You can wear a crown but you’re no princess.” (💚)

@hautesoo

meme: save rock & roll startersstatus: acceptingtype: starter 💚

♛ soohyuk’s comment was said in response to the tiara cece had picked up, but just as quickly had set down. dark eyes continued scanned over the various accessories that had been laid out for the shoot that she was currently doing for elle magazine. it had been quite some time, months actually, since she’d been back to korea and this was one of her first orders of business. and while it had been years (okay, two and a half if we’re being accurate) since she’d graced the cover of elle korea, cece was genuinely looking forward to it. the comment from the magazine’s creative force himself, however, had caused a faint smile to play on the woman’s lips. princess had never been a title used to describe her and...she was sure at this point she was well past the chance of being able to even try.

“i guess it’s a good thing i’m the queen then, right, soo?”

the words were said with a teasing tone of familiarity as she abandoned her inspection of the accessories table.

[chcolatier-deactivated20170825]

nam daehan. 24. chocolatier by day, casino owner by night. indie. original character. literate. nsfw / trigger warning.

follow. like. reblog.

[splattermemes-deactivated202007]

Save Rock and Roll Sentence Starters

The Phoenix

“Put on your war paint.”

“You are a brick tied to me that’s dragging me down.”

“Doesn’t it feel like our time is running out?”

“I’m gonna change you like a remix.”

My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark

“Be careful making wishes in the dark.”

“I’m just dreaming of tearing you apart.”

“Gonna need a spark to ignite.”

“I’m on fire!”

“Burn everything you love, then burn the ashes.”

“My childhood spat back out the monster that you see.”

Alone Together

“Do you got room for one more troubled soul?”

“I don’t think I’m coming home.”

“I said I’ll check in tomorrow if I don’t wake up dead.”

“Let’s be alone together.”

“We could stay young forever.”

“It’s not my fault I’m a maniac.”

“Do you wanna feel beautiful?”

“ I’m outside the door, invite me in.”

“Tonight I’m high as a private jet.”

Where Did the Party Go

“Where did the party go?”

“I don’t believe a word you say but I can’t stop listening.”

“My old friends become exes again.”

“I’m not gonna go home alone.”

“You know I only wanted fun then you got me all fucked up on love.”  

“You and me are the difference between real love and the love on TV.”

“Let’s fade away together one dream at a time.”

Just One Yesterday

“I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday.”

“I know I’m bad news.”

“I saved it all for you.”

“I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way.”

“Letting people down is my thing, baby.”

The Mighty Fall

“There’s chemicals keeping us together.”

“If you ask me, two’s a whole lot lonelier than one.”

“Baby we should have left our love in the gutter where we found it.”

“You think your only crime is that you got caught?”

“I just hope that when you see me, I’m not see-through.”

“Hell, yeah, I’m a dick, addicted to you.”

Miss Missing You

“Don’t panic.”

“I know I’m the one you want to forget.”

“It’s time for me to fall apart.”

“I miss missing you now and then.”

“Sometimes before it gets better, the darkness gets bigger.”

“The person you were taking a bullet for is behind the trigger.”

“We’re fading fast.”

“I will sing to you every day.”

“I am the best you’ll never have.”

Death Valley

“I wanna see your animal side.”

“I need your broken promises.”

“I want the guts and glory, baby.”

“We are alive.”

“Undress to impress.”

“You can wear a crown but you’re no prince(ss).”

“We’re gonna die.”

“Hard times come, good times go.”

“I’ll be your favorite drug; I will get you high.”

Young Volcanoes

“Do you wanna feel a little beautiful baby?”

“Say I never mattered.”

Rat A Tat

“Let’s put our faith back in mayhem.”

“Remember me as I was not as I am.”

“My love is a weapon.”

“It’s never getting any better than this.”

“I’m the lonelier version of you.”

“We’re all fighting growing old.”

“Go boy, go boy, run for your life.”

Save Rock and Roll

“I need more dreams and less life.”

“I need that dark in a little more light.”

“I cried tears you’ll never see.”

“Fuck you, you can go cry me an ocean.”

“Leave me be.”

“You are what you love, not who loves you.”

“Wherever I go, trouble seems to follow.”

“How’d it get to be only me?”

[cesagi-blog]

baskuiat

replied to your post: alright so, the girl is back. it’s been a long...

skinship alert OwO

for everyone but tommy :3

[cesagi-blog]

alright so, the girl is back. it’s been a long time coming, but we here now. so, this is my way of semi-formally asking for plots and interactions. i’m all for starting fresh, pre-established, future, or anything of the sort. i promise bunny & i aren’t as intimidating as we may seem. that’s about all i have for now below the cut are some quick random facts on her while i finish setting up that page on her blog. - ✌️🐰

unless told, pls only call her cece or any variation of bunny (buns, bun, etc)

only trained for a year due to the ceo really wanting to push the envelop with her

has been writing her own music since her debut

loves having friends and being close to people

skinship alert

made her debut in 2009 bUT has not released an album since 2014

is very motherly and protective

uses a mix of 2ne1, cl, rihanna, & nicki minaj in her discography

while an idol, she also has plenty of music that was not promoted on music shows, but still topped charts

often mistaken as an ice queen or bitch due to her onstage persona and energy, when in actuality she’s a quiet goofball

needs a ton of features (male & female) so hit me up pls

she doesn’t really consider herself an ‘idol’ anymore

really soft low-key

likes taking care of people

invented the soft bad bitch aesthetic

is a good person, i promise

give me connections and i’ll give you endless plots & pinterest boards tbh

[cesagi-blog]

Ma'am, pls come meet your god daughter - Love Barbie

♛ listen, l i s t e n. so, your girl has been stateside and i just got back in town today. so, coming to see my god-daughter is definitely on the agenda. tomorrow evening?

[cesagi-blog]

♛ improved tag dump, aye!

[cesagi-blog]

baskuiat:

The realization everything was made more complicated, perhaps to the point of no return, made his heart stop. Perhaps he thought of the game plan a bit differently. Like the memories that never seemed to leave him, he replayed the possibilities of their meeting in his head. Would she be happy? Would he? Would they kiss and make up? Would they act like old friends? He thought of it all. But when it came time to act out on all his prearranged notions, nothing went according to plan.

“What do you mean?” he said, cutting off her excuses. His voice was both strong and demanding yet still hurt. He felt as thought he finally put his heart out on the line, ready to apologize, to take the blame for nearly everything, and it was rejected. Where did he go wrong? Poor Tommy. Never one to open up, genuinely, to let it all out, and he suddenly had to snap shut. It wasn’t Kendra’s fault, either. Though she was aware of the ways in which he moved, she wasn’t responsible for keeping him comfortable and candid. Not anymore at least.

“You invite me here,” he continued, motioning at the restaurant with a tattooed hand, “an’ I come out. I come here because it’s you. An’ I come an’ talk to you…you. From here—” he pounded his chest, his gaze never leaving Kendra, his nostrils flared in the most intimidating of ways, “—An’ you decided you don’t want any of it.”  

He shouldn’t have snapped. He shouldn’t have raised his voice. He knew better, he had been through it all before. But now, in that instance, every word, every promise he had ever made himself had disappeared into the air like wisps of smoke. His pride was hurt, his heart was hurt. Everything in the last couple of months had hurt him so deeply. He never knew love could kill like that—that he could really be so strung out. He should have realized years ago he was always the culprit of his own unhappiness.

“What do ya want then?”

♛    he was the one getting angry? ha. she wished that she had so much free control over her emotions to let it go like that. to just snap when she felt like she was being wronged. even now when she could have offered a rebuttle to rival and even silence his, she didn’t. instead for a brief moment that seemed to drag on for minutes, she contemplated all of it. not even just this moment, but memories that she had t r i e d to bury for years. what was she doing? he hadn’t been and still wasn’t hers to hold onto. so why was she here, trying so hard to bring him back to her. sure, it was under the guise of a simple (turned partially chaotic) dinner, but that’s what it was. the answer to his question was obvious to her. and no amount of songwriting, drug use, or time could make her forget that.

i want you.

the words rang out in her thoughts as she contemplated what she was going to actually say to him. though they were true, they were words she was ashamed of. words that she knew wouldn’t let her live. but kendra also knew that the burden of them would continue to be carried with her. it didn’t matter what his reply was-- okay...it did, but still. reaching a manicured hand up to adjust her glasses, the urge to smile was there. it wasn’t one of happiness. but more so to mask everything else that she was feeling.

“you want the truth from me? here it is. i thought i could do this dinner, i thought i was strong enough. i thought, maybe since i had your number now i wouldn’t have to keep texting a dead line ‘happy birthday’. i thought that if i saw you, i would be able to say everything i wanted. be as angry as i deserve to be, y’know? but, i couldn’t even have that. because here you are offering the only words i’ve really ever wanted to hear from you. all that time i never got an apology and here you are giving one without prompting. i never said i didn’t want it. i just didn’t realize it would feel like that when i heard it.”

it was hard to imagine herself saying all of this and yet, here she was. she’d be proud if she actually had the chance to sit and think on it. maybe later in the bath over a glass of wine.

her pause was long enough to prompt her to remove her shades, for once making unfiltered eye contact with him. things seemed all too personal this way. tapping a nail on the thick black frame of the accessory, she pulled her eyes away from his once more.

“what i want hasn't changed...”

[cesagi-blog]

baskuiat:

Somehow Tommy knew that whatever Kendra said was a lie. Did she think she could fool him? After everything they had been through, all the nights they spent in each other’s arms, the things they confided in one another, did she really think he would just go along with alfredo pasta as an excuse? Kendra, Cece, as he so playfully once called her, it takes two to tango.

“Mm, you need me?” he responded, a small smile playing on his lips. If he laughed, he would be her object of scorn. But that was all he wanted to do—laugh. Out of nerves, out of desperation. Ha ha ha, please forgive me. Ha ha ha, it was all a joke. Ha ha. “So this is a business dinner, then?”

All business so it seemed. That wasn’t the path he wanted to go down. He knew it wasn’t business, he knew there was something more. He finally had her locked down in front of him, her eyes so gentle and her speech so hesitant, he simply couldn’t let this chance slip by. If he did not say it now, then when would he? When it was too late? Maybe it was too late already. But to be there in that very moment was something he never expected, another chance at something that was meant to be once in a lifetime. 

“I can help you with your album if that’s what you really want,” he said, his words so careful. He looked down at his hands that rested atop the table, his fingers intertwined. He pressed his lips together before speaking up again. “I should apologize to you first, though. I know…I know I never called. I know I never—I know, I was gone so long an’ I just—an’ I needed time…” The most dreaded occurred: a soft shake in his voice. He sighed a bit, disappointed in himself, in his actions, in everything that had transpired those last three years. He felt it all tugging at him at once and just wanted it to stop. “Ah, shit.”

♛    was that really what she wanted? of course it was. he was still one of the best artists she’d had the pleasure of working with. but that held no place at their table right here and now. at first she had thought the guise of a business dinner would be easier to handle, but already that proved to be false. there was so much more that she wanted to have laid out on the table. so much more that she felt that she deserved answers and explanations for. but for now, she was seemingly content with lying about pastas and albums. or rather-- she had been until he himself spoke up and acknowledged the unspoken mysteries that were looming in her head.

softened (though hidden) eyes turned from the menu up to him as she listened to the words that seemed as though he might have tried to practice before. it was genuine, of that she had no doubts. but it shocked her in a way that she wasn’t prepared for. the shake in his voice however caused an instinctive (and once upon a time habitual) reaction to surface and she reached a hand out for his. “don’t...” even after so long the difference between her slender hand and his larger one was still a sight worth marveling at. but as quickly as their flesh made contact, she recoiled. quickly using her now free hand to readjust the position of the dark sunglasses on her face, kendra was thankful for the dark and reflective tint on them. her eyes would have betrayed her easily if he could see them.

i missed you. i forgave you. i lov--. oh--

"not here.” just like that her appetite was gone and the false craving she’d had for pasta vanished. she didn’t know what she wanted, but the sudden wave of emotions that she had believed to be dead hit her too harshly. closing the menu quietly, kendra looked over at him, this time removing her glasses. they revealed bare and tired eyes. "i’m sorry. i’m not hungry anymore. but--” there was a softness that had grown in her since his absence and this seemed to help prove it. it also proved that you could only act as though a broken heart didn’t exist for so long. eventually it’ll creep back up on you. “i should go. this was a mistake--”