but that also means a lot of opportunities to be introspective: night walks, lying sprawled on apartment floors, squatting in kitchens, late night subway rides. one of those wine nights i got to verbalize some of those hyperthoughts about liking someone, and also ks, born from brooding over nights. i catch myself being drawn to individuals like a bucket list tick ā the berkeley student, the investment banker, the phd student etc. and ... this is objectification, no? E and ks almost seem like validating qualifications, as much as they function as mentors. maybe that explains why iāve not been performing conversations well ā or is it because i want to get them to like me / look up to them so much Iām afraid to be myself or mess up? i doubt, albeit less now, why ks puts up with me when heās interacted with so many intelligent and colorful people. itās so easy for one of us to stop texting the other completely when weāre 9000km and 8 hours apart. we still exchange a couple of meaningless texts every day, send things that remind us of the other, have episodes of storytelling. N says i should extend the same kindness i give to everyone to myself. but what are we; how would things have been different if we both had a bit more time in sg; how would things change if it became clear he liked me--- because, itās apparent now that iām addicted to the chase. uninterested with A by how quickly he said he liked me ā boys are so easy sometimes: look pretty, make them talk about themselves, and they start believing they deserve you when they have nothing to match. but otherwise, how horrid ego and eros make us sometimes, seeking self-validation from getting someone to like you. something defined more concretely while on the last train home with green last night after jazz and blues. a year after berkeley, i am still always left in awe by how comfortable and stimulating it is to be with ihouse friends, and then be shown how okay it is to be stupidly human. it dawned on me, while on that last train home bearing vulnerability stories and secrets drowned by the whirrs of the engine, how much there is to like and to miss about having male friends I can delve deep with but remain completely platonic. last night we danced to blues that jazzed a tune to life so fragile, so full of holes, but so warm
jacobvanloon
vaporwave
turnnoffyourmind
andulkaphoto
izzy806
jbbartram-illu
