We Are Here

They/Them | just my experience. May you feel loved, heard, and seen.

[chairules9]

And the stars whispered,

“What is love to you?

What does it mean?

An abundance of light,

The entirety of the universe,

Or having a cluster of me

Glued tight to the palm of your hand,

Pulled fraught against your

Aching, breaking

Skin?”

I whispered in reply,

“You’re in my blood, Starshine…

I couldn’t renounce you

Without splicing you first from my being,

Oh you who have loved me,

Who have woven together

The colors of my soul.

Oh how I love you so…”

[chairules9]

I want to be the hands that hold you too,

One pair of many, my dear,

To raise you high into the sky.

I want to be a garden,

A fountain of peace

For you to return to,

Waters so still you can

See yourself reflected in its

Loving depth.

Let me be your safe space,

Your rock,

A place you can return to

After ages pass,

And no matter how the scenery

Changes,

You know it’ll still be

Me.

Let me be one home

Of many,

One home

To many,

The loving hands

And a bird taking

Flight.

[chairules9]

What a confident, elegant

Queen of Wands

I’m becoming.

My world has become

A blooming canvas,

A well-worn song

For hearts to hear.

[chairules9]

You Taught Me About Me

When I asked the cards what I would learn

from our relationship,

They told me, “The stars.”

I believe this is true,

not only because of our adventures

with sword-fighting gems,

but because of the way

You’ve taught me to love:

in constellations.

The Star in the tarot represents

the ending of cycles

long overdue,

rebirth and renewal

in the fulfillment

of self-actualization.

The truth is,

I’ve been stuck

in one long tornado

after my dad left

his body on the floor.

I searched for approval

in all the faces

that spun past

hoping for the big, warm hands

that used to tell me

I’d done alright.

I tried to cling

to whatever I could grasp,

to the illusion of constancy,

for fear of the inevitable

End

to things.

The heavy thud.

The empty shell.

I can feel myself tipping, now

on the edge

of groundbreaking realizations

on grief and harmony

because of the way

You’ve influenced me.

Your face in the crowd

is a point of reference

in my churning dance

from which I analyze

the way I move, speak, and think.

And I’ve realized

that I will keep spinning

with the momentum of a grief

that has shaped me.

What breaks the cycle is

that I don’t need to cling

so hard

in order to feel stable.

I learned this by your example,

the way you glide seamlessly

over the earth

like a raven

or a man who knows

the bounty of his worth.

And I realized

I’m bound

by a gravity of my own

which pulls me closer

to the right people

at the right times

and keeps my feet twirling

as the strings we’ve formed

push and pull

my body

far beyond what I can see.

To my soul, it looks like

a spiderweb

spanning across

points of light,

connecting us with

invisible strands

of inconceivable

Strength.

From you, I’ve learned

the shape of my own

Love.

[chairules9]

Respite

Our feet padded down

A cracked and perilous sidewalk

As our hearts danced

Wild and furious,

Butterflies flirting in circles,

Full moon rising.

I race to be with you

Monday, Tuesday,

Wednesday, Thursday,

Friday.

Friday, and my heart becomes

A butterfly

Circling and landing upon

My favorite flower,

Magnetized, bewitched,

And nourished by your soul.

[chairules9]

Voice of the Wind

It used to sound like

Fairies chattering

Rocking gently through the boughs,

The sound of my mother’s voice.

Now, there is silence,

Descending like a stale, hot breath

Stuck in the body,

Unmoving.

One by one, their bodies fell,

Great masters and teachers

Once rooted in the soil

And teeming with life of all kinds.

Their corpses collected, collapsed,

Became dust-coated memory,

The people, plants, and animals

Consumed by consumption unending.

All there is now

Is silence.

Even the wind

Has left my lungs.

And I?

I became a puppet,

A wooden doll,

Not a real boy

Anymore.

Not a real boy…

Who am I

But a collection of wood and stone

Glued beneath

Glass eyes,

Eyes that once held

The roaring sea in all its ferocity,

Hands that once felt

The loamy earth beneath their skin.

Great pieces of me,

Gone.

Gone like the wind

Sucked out of my lungs,

Like the people, plants, and animals

That once roamed…

My surface,

Our surface,

Our skin.

Our human nature,

Cracked, parched,

And hurting in utter desolation,

Is nature.

And in the absence of wind,

I must make my own

To move my soul to speak

And live another day,

Not as a puppet

But flowing wild from the source,

Moving these once dead lips

To speak again:

Our human nature

Is nature.

So speak love.

Speak truth.

Speak justice.

Speak, love.

Break the silence

And roar above the chainsaws,

Above the violence

Which cuts across humanity

And speak, love.

[chairules9]

The Bird With Bat Wings

It’s different than how I thought I’d be,

Different from how I’ve seen myself.

Just different in general.

One day, the feathers fell off my wings

And I turned into a bat,

Or half bat, perhaps

Not a bat at all

But something

Else.

These new wings

Cause terror and confusion in some,

A dull knife twisting behind their gaze

Sawing away

At a version of me

They once knew

Which rested squarely

Within their sanity.

Am I a bald winged angel,

A creature of the night,

Or something else entirely?

The latter is my guess,

Though my guess is as good as any.

Neither angel nor demon,

A projection of values

No more.

A puppet player shadow

On the wall

No more,

But real,

Breathing,

Flesh and blood,

Soul to bone

In all its terrifying

Beauty.

Oh what is the word

For the taste of a feeling

So old

It became new?

The prickle of goosebumps

At an untamed sound,

The sound of a name

My soul went by.

And I swear I’m not faking

Or begging to be different.

I am merely a student

Engaged in the inquiry

Of life, self, and world,

And I have found nuance

In the richness of being

Which I never knew existed.

So let me bite the apple

And know.

Let me love

This new way of being.

Let me find

Peace and fulfillment.

Let me love

Myself

And all the changes

And what has never changed

But always been.

Oh let me love

Myself.

[chairules9]

Barraged by light, sound, and color.

Body lies still.

I lie, still.

Why do I keep perceiving myself as powerless?

Unfit to live at the break-neck pace

Of angels and demons?

You have wings, remember?

Doesn’t matter if

They’re feathered or webbed.

Just fly.

Unleash what’s really inside of you…

That same barrage

Of light, sound, and color

That you so desperately… fear?

It’s your own reflection,

Projection.

So just

Fly.

[chairules9]

Just dance.

Let the colors slide off

Your skin

Like falling water

And rising stars

Let the blood in your veins boil over

To meet a placid lake

And cool into

The icy ash and bone

Of long forgotten memory

Floating through the untamed space

Of your mind

Let yourself be,

Love

[chairules9]

[chairules9]

What is grief?

A flower and a bomb,

A chrysalis of crystal tears,

And a war zone,

Never ending,

A well that reminds us we feel

All too well...

We feel

The footprints of love

Tapping on our shoulders,

Our backs, our spines,

A fundamental part of the experience of life,

The other side of existence

Whispering its name

In our ears, our hearts...

Bittersweet is

Secretly my favorite flavor.

[chairules9]

You...

You bring the stars down

Like the rain

Running in comet streaks

Down my bedroom window.

You.. I want your fingers,

Red, throbbing, burning,

Running like rain

Down my glassy frame

Hitting me

Over and over

So gently, so sweetly

With your mouth,

Your eyes,

Your essence

Until I

Shatter

Cease to exist

And come back again

New.

That’s what you keep doing to me,

Voice in the rain, in the sky, in my heart.

That’s what you keep doing to me,

And I

Am living

In first morning light,

Have barely slept the night before,

And all I want to do

Is write about you,

Lean into the madness

Falling hot and fresh

As summer storms,

As the feeling

Brewing between my legs,

And feel

more human than I’ve ever felt

Glass heart shattering,

Dinged up compass turning,

Feet racing ‘cross the ground,

Racing

Soul is racing

To be

With you.

[chairules9]

Reach

Can my love reach you

If it stands on tiptoe

And stretches out its arms,

Or will it seem

Like a ballerina en pointe,

A pretty face just for show...

No.

Ballerinas work their walk,

Their love and passion

Every. day.

And I believe

These muscles unseen

Are pulling taut behind the seems,

Stitching our love together

In a way that crosses the Divine

That crosses You

Who crosses my mind.

Oh ballerina,

You waft like paper

Drafted up on wings so strong

No one knows they are there

Until they—

Spring.

Reach out to you

I will—

Reach out to you

In the best way I know how—

Reach.

[chairules9]

The Hummingbird

Having a hummingbird for a heart

Means never fully knowing

Where it may lead,

That which pulses and flutters

In barren deserts and florid fields,

Returning messages by moonlight

Leaking through the window

Of my subconscious

Left

Ajar...

*~*~*

I am dreaming, I know.

But with definite purpose:

I want to hover

By your soul

And give you

A bushel of rubies

Grown straight from my

Vine-corded chest.

I want to give you

What has grown

In starkissed rain,

In currents of protection,

Oh wave after wave

Of spellbound protection,

So that you may fly like the stars,

Unhindered.

*~*~*

In lucid candor,

I know you only

With the eyes of my heart.

You’re a fuzzy burgundy silhouette

Atop the surface of my mind,

Unfiltered.

I don’t know you,

But in this state,

You receive my love,

Unfiltered.

And in our dreams,

We sow the world to waking

With the weight

Of our hands and hearts

Blooming,

Bending,

Breaking the earth

With softness of

A moonlit touch.

Fly with me.

[chairules9]

Used tea bags...

I’ve been feeling like

Used tea bags,

Dunking in and out of the water

Scalding

And lying cold on my mat

A washed out flavor.

...

Find me

I want to find me in all of this

And brew me a cup of tea

To fill up my heart space.

Find me.

[chairules9]

We became part of the song that lights the universe, a resonance which reaches others and finds their light in love and connection.

[chairules9]

I want to be

Just like the morning snow,

Gentle and moving

In peachy currents of dawn,

Swirling down and around

Into nothing

And everything at once.