*chalk dust

a piece of whatever

[chalkmuch-blog]

April 9, 2009 

the day the Lord revealed my purpose and the day i decided to fully submit, obey, and trust His plan and Heart. since then blessing didn’t stop on pouring down and like every other cliche, i got complacent. lost track, even. it was actually sad and heartbreaking. realizing how high the confidence of the Lord was, how mighty His plan for me yet i did very little to fulfill His beautiful plan for me. i became proud, complacent, discontented, greedy, unfaithful, and faithless. i became empty, self-centered and i often murmur. there were times i often function because that was expected from me. the fire once burning so brightly turned cold. i knew what was happening yet i did nothing to make it blazing again. i refuse to feel anything, my worse fears are coming alive yet i didn’t do anything. didn’t ask for any help. but then again, as the cycle of God’s loosing and finding went on, God still graced me with another chance. once again, He gave me back the vision He entrusted me with 5 years ago and now i am more determined to do what the Lord wants me to do. i will now face my fears and just hold onto God’s love and grace. let my faith bring me to new heights and just bring what is due to my Master and Father.  

cheers to another beginning. cheers to a new wave of grace, love, faith, and blessing. cheers to fulfilling and claiming His promises. 

i am blessed and i know the Lord will help me get through all. so even before the battle rages, my heart is thankful because i know my God has already at the end of it, waiting for my arrival. :)

[chalkmuch-blog]

8 years na pala. Thank You, Jesus! ❤

[chalkmuch-blog]

Peculiar day. I woke up with the strong, loud, and painful protest for change. It was so loud, I can hear blood roaring in my ears. Grabbed it because I know if I let it go, chances are it will never happened again. I thought it was a gift. Struggled bit welcomed it, nonetheless. Hours of drama. The deed is done. I got my change. Happy with the change. I can literally feel the vibrations. It was as if I have a living person next to me. Scary and exciting. I am so happy at the back of my mind the ghosts might leave me today. I waited and there was none. Hah! If only I knew, I should have done this earlier. *pop* I was taken aback. The fun up-beat girl is gone. I am left with a stranger. I looked hard. Trying to locate traces of the once elated girl. But there was none. Stranger. But her eyes. Sad and full of longing. Pleading. Her eyes. I know her. It was still her. Mask down. Still her.

[chalkmuch-blog]

Guilt. Hanggang ngayon hindi pa din ako maka-get over. Hanggang ngayon naiisip ko pa din yon. Pero sa twing nandon ako sa gabing yon, hindi ko hinahayaan yung sarili ko na i-explore yung memory ko. Natatakot kasi ako na i might break, again. Hanggang ngayon hindi pa din ako makapaniwala na ganon pala ko. Kinikilabutan ako twing nagreresound sa memory ko yung tunog ng iyak ko. Yung iyak na basag na basag ka. It is so raw, it was as if a part of you is taken out and broke. And you cannot do anything but to watch. Hanggang ngayon bits and fragments of that night scares me. Hindi ko magawang tumingin ng diretso sa kanila without remembering that. Hindi ko sya kayang tignan hanggang ngayon. Sabi ko love and forgiveness. Asan ang love? Asan ang forgiveness? Ang meron ako ay shame at guilt. Funny. This is not my fault. I only reacted. Pero. Hay. I still want to try love and forgiveness, tho. Want. Im at the crossroads. Drop or embrace? Forgive or ignore? Love or neglect? Dropping, ignoring, neglecting, walking out, leaving is much easier. Natural response. Kaya lang what about Love? What about Forgiveness? What about Family? What about Faith? Ang hirap lang. im tired of living with guilt. Wala kong ginawang masama. but the guilt is there. alam ko, i should forgive myself. hay, process. pero pano maproprocess ayaw mong harapin. Hay. akala ko talent ang pagiging passive. Ngayon pinagbabayaran ko na. Oh, well. Passive mode on. Esc. Pause. || :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) Faith. Every set back is an avenue for God's faithfulness. Ang gulo ng puso at isip ko. Karambola na. Pero kahit ganon, sa gitna ng mga delubyo at kaartehan ko, there is always that faint voice telling and urging me to trust more. Thank You. You are my Peace. Once again You saved me from my own destructive self. Faith. I trust You. I don't know how to handle guilt but i trust that You can. Di ba You have won it all. Okay. Trust. Breathe. Faith. Fight~!

[chalkmuch-blog]

random

Bata pa ko, ako ang walk out queen. I tend to walk out when im pressured O kaya kapag things are not going the way i want it. Akala ko dala lang yun ng childish behavior. Then last year, it happened again. Siguro ganon talga ko hindi lang ako aware Na madalas kong ginagawa yon. Escape. Flighty. Immediate reaction pag nagpapanic. Katulad non, pinoint out lang nila na nag walk out nga ako. Recently, yun. Nangyari ulit. It's not that i want to create a scene. It's not like plinano ko ang mag-walk out. Kaya lang parang yun na yung natural response ko. I don't like confrontations. Kapag may conflict, usually i am the first to give in. Ako yung unang magbibigay para lang matapos na. Akalabyuloy nila mabait ako. Kasi nga i easily give in sa mga whims ng mga tao. Siguro kaya din passive ako. Yung tipong 'tapos na. Move-on na lang' I guess dropping things are easier than facing the conflict. The coward's way out, "ika nga nila. Im trying to be an adult by trying to face my battles. Kaya lang there are times that i just want to drop it and just never look back. Kagaya ngayon.

[spiritualinspiration2]

[chalkmuch-blog]

April 11, 2014 ko sinimulan ang 25 day challenge. After 364 days nasa day 14 na ko. Hahahahaha. Pero boring ung day 14, thoughts about alcohol and drugs. Korni din ung day 15, celebrity crush. Masyadong madami e. Hahaha. Tatalon ako sa day 16, tutal sobrang violated ko na yung rules nung challenge. Haha! So here it goes. Day 16, 10 things that makes you smile and a picture of you smiling. Random order. 10. Starry night. 9. Food. *ang hirap pala neto* 8. Book. 7. Flowers. *yeah, babae pa din ako. Tse. 6. Sunset. 5. Babies. 4. Jake the dog! *hindi ako fan talaga ng adventure time pero cute na cute ako kay jake. XD 3. Mention ng pangalan ng mga crushes ko. Hahahahahaha! Longdeh! 2. 'I miss you', 'I love you' messages ng mga graders ko. Aww. 1. Pick-up lines. Mas korni mas masaya. Hahahahaha. **ayaw mag-attach ng pic kaya dito na lang. Yey! :)

[chalkmuch-blog]

Eversince i always thought that Love is a wonderful thing. And as grow up i realize that there is so muchpre to love than all the kilig feels. Day by day it never fail to amaze me how wide and deep love is. I learned that forgiving someone is never enough. Forgiveness should always be hand in hand with love. Because forgiveness without love would only give you partial peace because you will never be able to forget the pain it cost you. But not with love. Love can heal. And it did to me. Like any other i was broken. Day and night i cried to the Lord for redemption and freedom. Forgiving is tough especially if your heart is already hard let alone love those who caused it. Looking back, i would exchange both of my feet thinking that i would have to forgive them and now the Lord instructs me love? But the Lord has His own ways. I wanted to forgive. Just forgive. Hehe. Then came the seminar i attended. Love. Once again, i found Love. This time, I cried harder and prayed harder. I wanted to love. But every time, i fail. But not today. Earlier, i was thinking 'Love conquers all' then the Lord reminded me that this is the best time for action. And now, i partially did my part. A lil bit later will be the final leg. I am putting all my Faith and Love unto this. And i know the Lord will use this and the Lord will grant me another victory. Because JESUS IS THE SOURCE OF PURE AND PERFECT LOVE AND LOVE CONQUERS ALL.

[chalkmuch-blog]

Had a plan to meet and probably catch up or see a movie with some of my college friends. Went to the mall and waited. Unfortunately they were stuck at their previous engagement. And luckily for me i had the much awaited 'me time'. I ate alone. Watched people. Went to the places i want to see. Walked aimlessly. Had no one to consult to which food we should eat, which place to go, which spot to stay or which thing to buy. No conversation. Just me and my own amusement. Missed this. ❤

[chalkmuch-blog]

Happy birthday, babe. Wish i could say this out loud or whatever. Yeah. Happy birthday.

[chalkmuch-blog]

Reality surprised me again. I am afraid. I am afraid of falling for someone. Afraid to fall because i know that i am vulnerable and i am at the verge of desperation. What if i fall because i need him. I don't trust my emotion to make a decision for me because i know when i learn to love someone i tend to hold unto them even if they are long gone. Memories will sure haunt me. 💔

[chalkmuch-blog]

'bakit wala ka pang bf?' ang million dollar question ng madami sakin. at ang million dollar answer ko aaaaaaaay, "ewan ko." hahahaha. pero siguro kasi umaasa ko na may maiinlove sakin. umaasa ko na merong makaka-aapreciate sakin hindi dahil maputi ako, nakakatawa ako, matakaw ako, makapal muka ko o dahil hot ako. *i know, i know. :D

masama bang umasa at humiling na may mai-inlove sa imperfections ko. may mai-inlove sakin dahil abno ako. may mai-inlove sa paraan ko ng pag-iisip at twisted logics ko. mai-inlove kasi ~ hay. <3

[chalkmuch-blog]

feelsday II

...learned to feel each romance in letters. pain in every punctuation marks. the longing in every unspoken words. the hope in every stare. that extreme coldness in the word alone. the loss in empty. the punch of guilt. the stab of betrayal. learned to read people's action. relate to every fake smiles. somehow, understood how it was like to be somebody, nobody, anybody, everybody. learned to express myself more. then later on learned to play with letters. translate the grief in letters. immortalize love in phonemes. feel. feel. feel. then find myself looking for more. feeling for more. but then, shockingly, one day, you'll found none. you'll feel that seeping emptiness. that feeling that no dictionary can give name. you'll later realize that sometimes the twenty six english character is not enough to describe that feeling. no word can hold the feeling. thus, you'll have to walk around with that big hole. try to hide with insufficient letters that soon will fall down and wear out. because it doesn't match the feeling. nothing can. you just have to live with it. bear it. wear it. then smile. 

[chalkmuch-blog]

hula-la-la

i don't usually believe in hula. pero what i heard a while ago hit home. huuu. 

[chalkmuch-blog]

feelsday

im so back. so back and still loaded with feels. you know, the kind of feels that just doesn't go away easily and without inflicting serious damage; mind, heart, and soul. 

the kind of feels that stays. lingers. hovers. consumes. inflicts. the kind that makes your skin crawl. 

the kind of feels that would make you pause and think, ponder even, hard. 

the kind of feels that makes the question 'why' like it is the most important part of you. like it is your lifeline.

but then again, just like the any other feels attack, you have to hold yourself together. breathe. breathe. breathe. smile. breathe. and just go on with your life.

but i don't really don't mind breaking. i don't mind being reduce to pool of tears. i don't really mind being reminded how weak i am. i don't mind being crushed. 

breathe. breathe. breathe.

[chalkmuch-blog]

Remembered my password! Yahoooooo! However the writing maniac left. But stillllllllll. Yea. That. Whatever.

[chalkmuch-blog]

Ayoko sanang gumive-up sa feels pero heto ko. Weak. Aalis ka. Aalis ka. Di tayo close. Heck? You might not even remember who i am. Isa lang akong ordinaryong araw para sayo. Masaya ko that you are having a blast now. I know you deserve it. Afterall what you've gone through. Kaya lang there's this part of me that wishes that i can say to you na 'enjoy kuya!' 'Pasalubong!' Or 'have a safe flight babe. Will surely miss you. Kahit walang uwi basta bumalik lang ng walang galos. I love you' well, wishful thinking lang naman. Sana. Sana talaga. Anyway, im praying for your safe flight. Enjoy! Sana pagbalik mo~ okay, wishful thinking ulit.

[chalkmuch-blog]

this morning i was standing in front of an urn. i was thinking, afterall what we've been through; after all of our heartaches, happiness, victories, and failures, we would all be reduced to a handful of ash. it reminded me how silly we are everytime we think that the world revolves around us. or how muh we matter to the world. or how futile our efforts are to become the best. it made me think of how fleeting time is. i was reminded that when we reach our end we would all become another memory. just another memory. a story. an event. a memory. the fact 'life is short' slapped me hard. today, it became my reality. so make nemories. let go of all the hurt and hatred. do good. live. love. love. and love. remember, every second spent on negativity is wasted. life is precious. very.