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[chanelwanderlust]

rules for surviving trauma anniversaries

-don’t give in to isolating

-have something to look forward to

this week is 11 years since i was almost killed by my parent on my birthday. people often think of my busy birthday plans as an obsession with myself. when really, the obsession is trying to stay so busy that i can’t fall into the despair of this anniversary. my body stores the trauma. this week brings endless nightmares and flashbacks. i just want to survive this. i want to be surrounded by people who care for me so i know the fight was and is worth it. in my hardest times, i want to know that there is beautiful people here now. i want to know i made it out. i want to know there’s beauty to life; and it’s in the community i’ve acquired. i don’t make so many plans because i’m obsessed with my birthday, i make so many plans because i’m obsessed with enduring & surviving.

[chanelwanderlust]

Do you ever notice that some days it just hurts and hurts and nothing happened but you’re just irritable and upset. But then you get a moment of silence, a moment by yourself and you hear their name in your head. And then it all makes sense. This pain is not anger, it’s not because I woke up in a bad mood, it’s because I miss you. You look at the date after your outburst and your mind just goes “oh. I understand you, heart. I see why you hurt today.” Because today is another anniversary. My body, my soul, my heart remembers that on this day however many years ago I experienced one of the hardest days of my life. Even when your mind is too busy with this and that, my heart always remembers. Because that’s a day that it overfilled, not cracked but burst. My heart burst because I had so much more love to give someone and they were no longer here to receive it. Any number of days will never be enough to give all the love I want to to my loved ones. I’m always going to have so much more love I want to put on you all. Til the day I die I will love you all more than I can physically handle. You could say I love too hard but I don’t believe that. What is life worth living for if it’s not love? How lucky am I to get to love all these people. I grieve so hard and so much. I love so hard and so much. It has to be a trade off. Without death there is no life. Without grief there was no love. And I love you. I am blessed to love so many people in my life. So this morning my love is painful, my love is renamed “grief” this morning. But tonight, when I get to visit with my loved ones still in this realm, my love will just be love.

- this morning my love is painful, my love is renamed “grief”

[tiixij]

bestie this bestie that when are we gonna preform the socialist fraternal kiss

[bookromancy]

I am finally learning to accept the curve of my lips and the blue of my eyes on the face in the mirror. At last I understand that we are all a work of art. Every scar and a mark is an artist’s signature. Someday I will be a masterpiece on a wall of my own personal Louvre. I will tell the story behind each brushstroke with a smile on my lips.

Andy Hearth

[bookromancy]

We talk about love and pretend that we’re not describing each other. Please let me love you the way you deserve to be loved

Andy Hearth

[lover-suggest]

oh me? i was just daydreaming about kissing you

[bookromancy]

My heart yearns for you.

I can’t hold you in my arms, so I embrace the thought of you as I pray to the stars.

Maybe Aphrodite knew what she was doing when she intertwined our strings.

I can dot all the i’s and cross all the t’s but nothing could bring you here to me.

You call me a poet and yet I can’t write myself out of this.

Andy Hearth

[lyingunderstarrynightswithy-blog]

Spending each second with you seems far too less Sharing each wish with you leaves me thirsting for more But when I look at you, I get all entangled Deep, unnerving talks get me scaring the unknown And I helplessly end up asking you every day ‘Will you meet me tomorrow?’

[bookromancy]

She talks about the past and her eyes twinkle with hope. We stand in empty museums as I tell her about the gods and she kisses the crown of my head. I fall in love with pink walls and mirrors as we hold hands in the palace of my heart. I listen to two hour long lecture about Versailles and my mind wanders back to her words and that baroque smile. Maybe next time I’ll kiss her in front of the Apollo and Daphne statue and she can tell me about Bernini so I can rediscover the beauty in art. I’ll paint a night sky on our ceiling and we can lay on the carper and look at them. I will point to the brightest constellation and say look, it’s you and me.

Andy Hearth

[chanelwanderlust]

All I want

[handwrittenforher]

“3am conversations that turn into 10am chats over coffee at the kitchen table; I want to take you home to learn everything about you.”

— Handwritten for Her

[chanelwanderlust]

Less than 11 months ago I sat in the passenger seat in the middle of the night driving down this same long road out of state for over two hours. I sat in the seat crying silently and here I am doing it again. I was feeling the same emotion - grief. Last year I was grieving a person. This time I am grieving my life that I’m leaving. It is for the better but I still experience the grief. I’m leaving what I know. We got to the hotel that we booked last minute to get out of here and when we walked in our room I felt that this is the same room we stayed in when we prepped for the funeral 11 months ago. This room is comfortable, familiar, is this a cycle? Can I trust this dark road and cheap hotel to be a stable experience in my life? Will I grieve each time I’m looking out the window on this road 790 miles from home? I’ve come to make friends with this reoccurrence, how special it is that we’ve done this annually. How special it is that this stays the same as everything else arounds me changes.

[chanelwanderlust]

I was 6 when my parents got divorced and my dad had an apartment while I lived in a car with my mom

I was 7 when I visited my dad in rehab

I was 9 when my dads mom passed away and he texted my Nokia emergency phone telling me he wished I was never born over and over again until my mom blocked his number for me

I was 11 when my dad told me I was fat and gave me workout supplies

I was also 11 when my dad started physically abusing me

I was 12 when I went to school with a brace on my wrist and lied to people saying i got injured in a cheer stunt

I was 13, celebrating my 14th birthday which was just days away when my dad was arrested at my celebration for domestic abuse and when the cops asked if I would be filing a restraining order against my dad

I was 20 when I had a final fight with my dad and told him that I needed to hear that he was sorry for abusing me. He said he wasn’t.

I was 20 when I saw him at a family members funeral and he didn’t speak to me.

I was days away from my 21st birthday when I heard through the grapevine that my dad was raising new kids

I am 21 today, the day I received a letter from him telling me how terrible I have been to him. A letter saying that “abuse happens” and that he may die any day.

I am 21 today, looking back on my life and thinking of my dads presence in it and realizing that I can’t count the number of times he’s told me he never wanted to speak to me again and then didn’t until the cycle began again

I am 21 today, feeling guilty for not letting the cycle start again

[chanelwanderlust]

[chanelwanderlust]

Chiffon pink prom dress

Pink chiffon floral prom dress! Medium altered to my height and chest ( 5’4 / 34 D) beautiful, comfy, and only worn once. No rips or stains #Prom #PromDress #ChiffonDress

I just added this listing on Poshmark: Chiffon pink prom dress. #poshmark #fashion #shopping #shopmycloset

[chanelwanderlust]

At this point in time my love life is zero to none. I have no one giving me attention, passion, love; but I’m not lacking any of those. I’ve found them when I dance. It’s inside of me, set free when I allow the music to soak into my veins. I give it to my myself. I allow myself to take it.

maybe part of the reason I dance is for this love I give to myself

[chanelwanderlust]

Bundle of Ipsy makeup bags and makeup brush

3 Ipsy bags and a sparkly makeup brush as well as a illuminating trial size.

I just added this listing on Poshmark: Bundle of Ipsy makeup bags and makeup brush. #poshmark #fashion #shopping #shopmycloset

[chanelwanderlust]

Heels....