change and light

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[changeandlight-blog]

Closure - Regina and Emma

[stillalostgirl]

Emma followed Regina without protest, feeling far too tired to protest the change in location. At least the couch was soft and welcoming. 

“I don’t know what to do,” she confessed. “I just… it hurts. And he’s not going to come back and it’s all my fault.” She exhaled slowly and felt herself collapse around Regina just a little bit more. “All of you nearly died because I was a selfish brat and I ended up losing him anyways.” She laughed bitterly, the sound wet with tears. “I deserve this.” 

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Regina leaned back into the couch, letting Emma rest her head on her chest. God, this was self indulgent. Emma was never going to let her hear the end of it once she recovered. But she couldn’t help herself. She frowned at Emma’s words.

“Yes, it was stupid of you to make him a Dark One to try and bring him back. I won’t lie to you. But at least you didn’t terrorize the entire Enchanted Forest for years because of your grief.” Regina shrugged a little. “If you’re terrible, I’m worse. And the rest of us are safe. It’s all right.” Regina couldn’t find it in her to muster up much grief about Killian’s death, after the way he had treated Emma.

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Defrost - Emma and Regina

[stillalostgirl]

It was unsettling that Regina was so blank. She looked like a robot. A machine. And it was killing Emma; the Regina she knew was passionate and expressive. This Regina–the Winter Soldier–was nothing at all like the woman Emma knew. 

“Okay. If that‘s what you want, we’ll stay out of everyone’s way. If you need anything, I’ll communicate with anyone on your behalf.” She wouldn’t let Regina do this alone. No matter what, Emma was going to try to help her. 

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It still bothered the Soldier that Swan was being so kind with no strings attached. She knew they had been friends, there had to be a trap somewhere. Swan was offering too much. She felt herself become a little more guarded.

“If that is what you want to do.”

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Defrost - Emma and Regina

[stillalostgirl]

“You’re a person,” Emma said firmly. “Just… you just need to find yourself again. And I know you probably won’t remember who you were. You’ll probably never be the Regina I knew and–” she cut herself off before she could say anything else. Why make it harder on Regina? It was better if she didn’t know. Emma wouldn’t want to force anything on her. “That’s okay. I still want to help.” 

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Swan was getting upset again, and the Soldier felt helpless. She wished she could fix things, but any trace of Regina Mills had been erased a long, long time ago. She watched her, her expression neutral. 

“If you insist. There is not much that can be done. It is better that I keep away from people, anyway.”

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Closure - Regina and Emma

[stillalostgirl]

She didn’t want to be alone anymore. She was so goddamn needy but she couldn’t help but cling to Regina. She didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts. She didn’t want to sit here and wallow in her misery alone. She needed someone to care just a little. It was why she had liked Killian so much, wasn’t it? He cared. Too much, maybe, but at least he was always there when she needed him. The only thing that took him away from her was death. 

“Don’t go,” she said softly. 

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“Okay.” That was all Regina needed to hear. She guided Emma to the couch so they could sit down and not kneel on the kitchen floor, and once they were settled, she wrapped her arms around her again, in what she hoped was a comforting embrace. She was being entirely self-indulgent, and she knew Emma wouldn’t tolerate any of this if she was in a good mood, but Emma seemed to want this for now, so Regina wasn’t complaining. 

“I wasn’t planning on leaving. You’re stuck with me for a while.”

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Closure - Regina and Emma

[stillalostgirl]

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’ll be okay. I just…” she trailed off, unsure what to say to make Regina think she was fine. “I’ll just–I just need time.” 

She was so cold. Was it because she felt so empty? Had she forgotten to turn on the heat? Was it simply because the warmth the alcohol had offered her had finally faded? She just wanted this to all end. “I’m so tired, Regina.” 

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“I know. But you don’t have to do this alone, all right?” Regina was still getting the impression that Emma wanted her to leave, but she didn’t plan on doing that any time soon. Leaving Emma alone was a horrific idea right now. She continued to hold Emma, a hand coming up to stroke over her hair.

“If you want to sleep, I can stay. Maybe that would help.” She meant that maybe sleep would help, but she couldn’t help but wish her presence would help too.

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Defrost - Emma and Regina

[stillalostgirl]

Emma didn’t miss the way Regina flinched away from her and her heart ached in guilt. Would she just hurt her by trying to make her remember? Should she… just try to heal what was left of her? 

“It doesn’t matter,” she sighed. “You’re… you’re not really her anymore, are you?” 

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The Soldier shook her head. “I’m sorry.” 

Swan looked so sad, and part of the Soldier wished she could make it better, but there was nothing she could do about it. “There are only bits and pieces left. I am not a person anymore.”

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Defrost - Emma and Regina

[stillalostgirl]

“We were…” in love. “Friends. For a long time,” Emma explained as she dusted off a chair and sat. “You were a spy for the American Army. I was a nurse. They… they needed volunteers for a super soldier serum. I volunteered. It worked.” 

She shrugged. “I became America’s pinup doll and their most powerful soldier. You were on my team, Regina. We did a lot of good together.” 

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The Soldier wondered why Swan hesitated, but she didn’t ask. There were some things she was probably better off not knowing. She nodded slowly, listening to the rest of Swan’s words. When Swan used her supposed given name, she flinched. 

“Okay. I don’t remember much of that. It’s hazy.”

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Defrost - Emma and Regina

[stillalostgirl]

“That’s okay,” she replied. “I’ll talk enough for both of us.” The inside of the cabin was… desolate. There were no mementos, no touches of ownership. It looked empty and uninviting. Emma tried not to think that it was a hideous metaphor for the person Regina was now as she ventured in a little further. “So… do you remember me?” she asked. 

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The Soldier didn’t sit down, choosing to lean against a wall instead. She was exhausted, but like hell was she going to let her guard down around this woman, even if Swan supposedly meant well. She winced slightly at Swan’s question. It wasn’t a clear yes or no. 

“You...you look familiar. But they took a lot out of my head. The museum said I knew you.”

[changeandlight-blog]

Closure - Regina and Emma

[stillalostgirl]

“Okay,” she whispered as Regina simply held her. God, she needed this. She needed to feel something and Regina was soft and warm and safe and, for a brief moment, she didn’t feel quiet so alone. 

“I just want this to stop, Regina,” she said quietly. She wanted to cry but she had spent so long forcing the grief down that she couldn’t let it out now. She couldn’t let herself sob no matter how much she wanted to–it was buried too deep now. Instead, all she did was cling like a needy child, hoping that, somehow, this would get better. 

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“I can’t make any guarantees, except that I can be here for you.” Regina knew sugar coating everything would only make it worse, and she knew the pain Emma was suffering better than anyone else around here. So she held Emma close, hoping her presence was at least some comfort. 

“It won’t go away, but it will fade enough to be manageable. At least in my experience.” Daniel crossed her mind less often now, but she would always have that internal scar, no matter how much time passed. She hoped she could help Emma through this, since she knew how it felt to go through something like that with almost no support.

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Defrost - Emma and Regina

[stillalostgirl]

“It’s not your fault,” Emma agreed. “Now, come on. Why don’t we go inside and… talk?” she asked. Maybe… maybe, with time, she could help Regina become herself again. Or, at the very least, maybe Emma could just help her heal. Even if she would never be the woman Emma loved, at least she might be able to help. 

“Come on,” she said, extending her hand to her oldest friend. “We’ve missed out on a lot.” 

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“I do not talk much.” The Soldier frowned at Swan’s hand and didn’t take it. Engaging in physical contact with anyone was too much of a risk. Still, though, she followed Swan inside, despite refusing to touch her. She kept her gaze locked on the floor, refusing to look her in the eye.

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Defrost - Emma and Regina

[stillalostgirl]

Emma couldn’t help but smile. “Regina, between you and me, we can take on anyone,” she said. God, she missed those days. The days where Regina was Regina and Emma was just this scrawny girl destined for a miserable existence. They took on anyone who tried to control them or tell them what they could and couldn’t do. Even as soldiers, after the serum, they had been like that. What Emma wouldn’t give to have that again. To see Regina look at her like she was a moron but then there would still be affection in her gaze and–

“I don’t care about my safety. Everyone I care about–they’re all dead. Except you. You… I still can’t believe it. I missed you the most out of everything I had to leave behind.” I love you. 

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The Soldier didn’t understand why Swan was smiling. Regina Mills had died a long time ago, and only a frozen husk was left. Swan was entertaining wishful thinking, and soon, she would understand the reality of things. It wouldn’t be pretty. She frowned slightly at Swan’s words, trying to process them.

“If you insist on jeopardizing your safety, I suppose I can’t make you leave. But if something happens to you, it won’t be my fault. I warned you fully before engaging with me.” The Soldier knew full well Swan missed Regina, so Swan was being honest here, but Regina hadn’t existed for years. The Soldier didn’t know what to do other than make Swan aware of the safety risks.

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Closure - Regina and Emma

[stillalostgirl]

Emma felt a brief flash of warmth at Regina’s statement. Regina would keep Henry safe. Regina would protect the most precious thing in their lives like a vicious guard dog. The fact that she would do whatever it took to keep him safe allowed her to relax beneath her hand and she felt like a child being lulled to sleep by someone who had just chased away all the monsters. “I’m so tired of all this, Regina,” she said, voice flat and barely above a whisper. 

“Just… give me back my alcohol,” she begged. She didn’t want to feel any of this. “I can’t–” she wanted desperately to let herself collapse into Regina’s warm embrace. She wanted the comfort of another human’s touch and she was still drunk enough to not care who it was. And why shouldn’t she be held by Regina? She was already touching her and that meant she cared. She fell into Regina more than anything else, clinging to her shirt while she hid her face in the soft material. She didn’t want to feel so goddamn lonely anymore. 

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“I’m not going to give you back your alcohol. That’s not negotiable.” Regina didn’t know if she was making any progress here, but it would undo it entirely if she were to allow Emma to get completely wasted again. Emma needed to sober up and work through things. She blinked in surprise when Emma suddenly fell into her embrace, telling herself that Emma was only doing this because she was upset. It didn’t mean anything.

Regina lowered herself to her knees to be on Emma’s level, while she was sitting on the chair, and she pulled Emma into a proper hug, hoping she wouldn’t regret it. If Snow saw Regina doing this, she knew she would never hear the end of it. But it was worth the risk for Emma. 

“I’m not going to leave for a while, all right?” And I’m going to poof all the alcohol out of your house. 

[changeandlight-blog]

Defrost - Emma and Regina

[stillalostgirl]

Regina didn’t understand and it hurt–they had promised to always have each other’s backs. Ever since they were young and foolish and innocent of the pains of war, they had been a team. Emma couldn’t remember how many times Regina had iced her bruises or cleaned cuts and taken care of her. Now, it was her turn to do the same, no matter what the cost. 

“Who’s going to come?” Emma asked. It wasn’t going to be an easy road to recovery but Emma would be damned if she didn’t stay. “If they come, we’ll find somewhere safer.” 

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“Hydra. The United States government. Governments of other countries I committed murder in. I have a reputation, and now my face is all over the news. I’m a sitting duck no matter where I am.” The Soldier wondered if Swan was really as naive as she sounded right now. One woman couldn’t fend off entire governments. The two of them together couldn’t even do that. “If you stay with me, you will never be safe.” It was strange to her how she cared more about Swan’s wellbeing than her own, but she supposed it was because Swan was a human being and she was not.

[changeandlight-blog]

Defrost - Emma and Regina

[stillalostgirl]

“I never really got the hang of Netflix anyways,” Emma said with a smile. Regina wasn’t pushing her away. This was going to be okay. “I’m here for you, Regina, not for the so-called comforts of this advanced world.” 

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The Soldier cringed at the use of her former name again, and took a step backward. “You will regret it. They will come and hurt you, and you will be another person hurt because of me.”

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Defrost - Emma and Regina

[stillalostgirl]

Emma laughed at the notion that they would hurt her. What could they do that was worse than knowing that the woman she loved had lost herself? No torture could compare to that. 

“Let them try,” she said, her gaze softening as she realized that there was some Regina still in this woman. She still cared for her, deep down. It was why she had dragged her out of the Potomac, after all. And Emma was going to help her find herself again. She knew that it would probably never be the way it had been before–Regina may never love her again but that didn’t matter. No, all that mattered was that Regina would be happy. With or without her. 

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It was becoming clear to the Soldier that Swan wasn’t going to leave any time soon. She figured she should warn her about the other unpleasant parts of her current lifestyle as well.

“I hunt and eat wildlife. I don’t live in luxury.” Half of her hoped all of this would deter Swan, but there was another, quieter half, that inexplicably wished she would stay. “There’s no heat out here, or television.”

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Defrost - Emma and Regina

[stillalostgirl]

“I would be defending my best friend,” Emma replied. So what–let them lock her away. She’d do whatever it took to save the woman she loved, even if that something meant losing her freedom. As long as she knew that she had made some progress with Regina, it would all be worth it. She would give up anything just to give Regina the happiness she deserved. 

“Alright,” Emma said. “Then I’ll stay here.” 

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The Soldier didn’t understand Swan’s fervent devotion. The Soldier hadn’t done anything to earn it, but Swan didn’t seem the type of person who would want to use her skillset. She frowned, watching the other woman.

“If they catch you with me, they will hurt you too.” Everything was foggy in her head, but there was a little clarity. She didn’t want Swan to get hurt. She tried to focus on that, even if she didn’t understand why it was happening. “I - I do not want that.” 

[changeandlight-blog]

Defrost - Emma and Regina

[stillalostgirl]

Nothing. There was nothing there. 

“You’re not a machine,” Emma said and she felt so goddamn numb with all the pain she felt. “I want to help you, that’s all. Before all this… I want you to have a life again. I know it won’t be easy, Regina, but you deserve happiness. Please, let me help you find it.” 

This felt like a nightmare. All they had been through, all the pain, all the love, was gone. And all this Regina was was a body with a mind wiped so many times that there was nothing left. She was just what they had made her. A broken, angry weapon created for destruction. 

“Please, Regina. Let me try.” 

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“I am a wanted murderer. Multiple organizations are after me.” There were a myriad of reasons why the Soldier could not live a normal life, but that was the biggest one. Swan wasn’t the only one who had been on her tail. “Most of the world wants me locked up.”

“You would be defending a war criminal.” If Swan was going to insist on helping her, the Soldier wanted to remind her of what she was getting herself into. The Soldier wasn’t worth helping. “I am not leaving this cabin unless I am forced.”