I hate it. I don't want to be in the spotlight, but I just inevitably get noticed because I'm The Girl. They remark it so much. So often.
Everyone. The teachers ask me questions my peers often don't know the answers to, as though I knew because I'm the woman.
I've grown used to so many questions from them, to being able to answer them, I feel like I'm not learning in that awful classroom, but just performing for them.
I don't wanna be met with judgment if I found your quick, verbal instructions unclear, I just want to be able to quietly ask you shit without being in the spotlight. I want to blend in so badly. I don't want to be seen. I hate that peer pressure. I want to ask silly questions, too, but they all decided I must be smart because I'm the only one here, so I can't do any of that.
They don't ever think about any of this. They don't ever think about how mortified I'm of getting harassed. They don't know anything about me, of course. They shouldn't think about me, and I know I shouldn't think about them, but I'm crying in my bedroom because I feel paranoid about being judged, about being overestimated, underestimated, slow, textbook smart, practically stupid, and socially inappropriate.
Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I need to touch grass, maybe I shouldn't have picked a major based on what I wanted, but the environment I was going to be put through and my reaction to it.
Or maybe it's just my autism. Or my hormones. Or being sleep deprived.
Or maybe I'm right to feel this way. Maybe I am gauged, and continually missed.
Or maybe I'm not good enough for this career.
Maybe I'm just too disabled. Or too dumb. Or both. That is also a possibility.
But then again, everything's a possibility.
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