Chaotic Neutral DM

[chaoticneutraldungeonmaster]

Just remember, while you’re going on your adventures in space...

[chaoticneutraldungeonmaster]

Give that hamster an Oscar.

[chaoticneutraldungeonmaster]

Half-Orc: I whisper into the dragonborn's ear.

DM: She doesn't have ears, only ear holes. Roll perception to see if you know where they are.

Half-Orc: *nat 1*

DM: You whisper into her nostrils.

[chaoticneutraldungeonmaster]

[chaoticneutraldungeonmaster]

My party:

Bard: Lock Wardick is better >.>

Sorcerer: Lick Woodcock

Paladin: You could get some nasty splinters that way...

[chaoticneutraldungeonmaster]

Quaggoth Nipples

Player 1: Hey, do you think quaggoths have two nipples like humans do, or are they like cats and have lots of nipples down their fronts?

Player 2: Do male cats have as many nipples as female cats?

Player 3: *googles* Yes, apparently, they can.

Player 2: How many nipples do female cats have?

Player 3: Apparently, six to eight on average...

Player 1: HOLY FUCK SOME CATS CAN HAVE TEN NIPPLES!!!

Everyone: WTF REALLY?

Me: It's canon now, Derendil has 10 nipples.

[chaoticneutraldungeonmaster]

Nobleman and Clueless Wizard

Player 1: I’m imagining awkward dates because he’s too proper to be too forward and she’s clueless

Player 2: I bet the two of you would happily grow old together... Not in a relationship or anything, just grow old

[chaoticneutraldungeonmaster]

I'm not helping

Player: So, I'm taking the soldier back ground, assuming that I'm going to be from Waterdeep, would it be better that I come from the City Guard, or have gone off to a mercenary unit, or some other military organization?

Me: Entirely up to you

Player: YOU AREN'T HELPING

Me: Ur fase aren't helping :>